My Life

7 Reasons Why My College Entrance Essay Was the Worst

While being random and perusing my computer, I came across a folder labeled “College Papers.” It was a gold mine, if “gold mine” now means “painful reminder of my past inadequacies and immaturity.” There were about 25 documents from undergrad: essays, research papers and other things to let me know I’ve come A LONG WAY in this writing game. Whoooo.


The oldest document was the personal statement I had to write when I was applying to college. I opened it and was horrified at how terrible it was. I actually facepalmed while reading it. Praise Elohim for high test scores because I might have been so short.

I mean, I had correct grammar and syntax and all that but the content was just a mess. The thing is that I’ve always gotten As and whatnots on my papers and English has always been my strong suit. BUT I musta cobbled this together the night before my application was due. Procrastination has been one of my skills for a very long time.

Shamefully, I will present some of the foolery I wrote to y’all, and why this essay sucked so much.

1. “Being a doctor has always been my ambition. For as long as I could remember, I have pictured myself wearing a white lab coat and scrubs, with a stethoscope draped around my neck.”

Yes, 16 year old Luvvie. Because ALL being a doctor is about is putting on coats. Girl, you’re so damb shallow. STAHP. Also, this is your opener? THIS WEAKNESS? Ma’am. Nope.

Molivia Nope Mellie2

2. “Initially, it was because my family members always told me how intelligent I was, and that I would grow up to become one. Now that I have matured, and have become capable of forming my own ideals and principles, I still would like to become a doctor.

Ummmm… sooooo I said I wanted to be a doctor because I’ve always been smart. Yes. ME AND 6 BILLION OTHER PEOPLE CAN CLAIM SMART! Chile… look at this foolishment. And HOLY REDUNDANCY, BATMAN! “Ideals and principles.” I musta been tryna make the essay longer to make it seem better. I bet I set the margins to this essay to 2 inches around the border too.

3. “My desire does not warrant itself on what my family thinks, but because I genuinely like to help people. I realize that I could help people by becoming a firefighter or a police officer, but I do not think that I could measure up to their brazenness, especially in light of recent traumatic events. I just feel that I am meant to be in the medical field.”

9/11 had just happened 2 months before I wrote this essay so I’m basically saying I’m a punk. I wanna help folks and I picked being a doctor over a firefighter because I didn’t wanna run into a burning building. If that ain’t some punk bitch shit. WOMAN UP, TEEN LUVVIE! Also, who told me that these professions were the only ways I could help people? I was sheltered. I ain’t know no better.

4. “I have not decided yet, but emergency medicine is one of the medical areas that I am considering. In fact, ER is one of my favorite television shows. Although I realize that the situations are fictional, they seem to ring true.”

Teenage me is OFFICIALLY on timeout. Even back then I watched too much TV. Who says they wanna become a doctor because of ER?!? That show shoulda taught me that I didn’t wanna become one unless I get to work next to a hot doctor who looks like George Clooney. What kinda impressionable shit? No ma’am. Sit down.

5. “The diseases the doctors deal with and treat are real, and it proves to be an educational show. I admire the “doctors,” and the way they think fast, and on their feet. I like watching them save people with a command to the nurse or a compression of the chest. They can literally breathe life into someone, bringing them form the brink of death. It is images like those that further reassure my choice in becoming a doctor.”

LOLLLLL WUT?!? I know doggone well I ain’t learn about NO diseases on ER. I was boolsheeting like whoa. LIKE. WHOA. I really did my best to sell them this ER-manufactured dream. This is such a mess and I’m embarrassed.

Girl BYE gif

6. “I realize that a doctor’s life can be very stressful. I believe that I can handle it though. The stress is little price to pay for the rewards that come with being a doctor. A doctor does not only save a person, he/she saves that individual’s family from the pain of losing a loved one. I have always wanted to make a positive impact in someone’s life, and I can find no better way to do so than by being a doctor.”

Let’s play a game of “Count how many times Luvvie can say ‘doctor’ in one paragraph.” And did I forget that pronouns besides “I” exist? Also, DUH LUVVIE! Doctors aren’t the only people who help people! Get out of your bubble!

7. “Each year I’ve attended high school, I’ve taken a science class. This year, I’m taking Honors Microbiology. The things I learn in this class will prove crucial in the medical field, which is all about microorganisms and the way they invade the body.”

GIRL BYE!!! My dumbass was really outchea telling them that I’m ready to become a doctor because I took honors microbiology (which I’m pretty sure I didn’t get an A in). That’s it. I quit me. What is this? Who told me? WHY?!?

Chile, again. Praise Him for growth because this essay was *Jean-Ralphio voice* THE WORST!

Worst gif

This essay was so bad that the word bad filed a restraining order against me for sullying its name.

Not only was it badly-written but I clearly didn’t become a doctor (see: the fact that I was bullshitting). I was Psychology Pre-Med when I started college but after getting the first Ds of my academic career back to back in Chemistry 1 and 2, I dropped that pre-med with a quickness. And then I had a come to Jesus moment with myself and realized that I don’t even LIKE hospitals.

So there’s that. And here I am today. The one thing that I DID mean in this essay was that I wanted to help people in some way and today, I help folks laugh. SO TAKE THAT, TEENAGE LUVVIE!

Have any of you gone back to read some of your high school and college essays? Did you fall out your chair from embarrassment like I did?

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  1. October 23, 2013 at 11:19 am


    I’m glad you know this is bad. LOL.

    • October 23, 2013 at 11:26 am

      Girl how could I not?

      • October 23, 2013 at 12:16 pm

        I wish I could access my college essay. I typed it on a computer, but we used floppy disks back then. :-/

        • TramonaM
          October 23, 2013 at 2:01 pm

          Same here! I’m honestly glad that I can’t reread that mess! UCF probably got a good laugh at me. Also, chemistry let me know that forensics was not my lane.

  2. October 23, 2013 at 11:21 am

    I die. I wish I could find my college essay to see what I wrote. I bet it was foolishness that could rival yours. Thank you for my morning laugh Luvvie. You never disappoint lol.

    • October 23, 2013 at 11:27 am

      LMAO!! You’re welcome, Candice.

  3. MajorityFools
    October 23, 2013 at 11:23 am

    I didn’t know so much bullshit existed until now. Thank you teenage Luvie

    • October 23, 2013 at 11:27 am

      So much bullshit, so few words. I was a pro at that, if nothing else.

  4. Gayle
    October 23, 2013 at 11:25 am

    sooooooo funny!!!! But on a serious note, I would like to personally confer upon you, Luvvie, an honorary doctorate of laughology. You have earned it and I was totally swayed by that awesome teen essay. Well done, Dr. Luvvie.

    • October 23, 2013 at 11:29 am

      I really do enjoy the fact that you just called me Dr. Luvvie. lol

  5. Bethany
    October 23, 2013 at 11:32 am

    See I wrote my college essay (dating myself here) on a word processor. People were just starting to get computers but no one really had one. So we had a word processor w/a screen. All that to say thank the Lord it’s not saved anywhere.

    • October 23, 2013 at 1:01 pm

      Sooo the only Word Processor I know is MS Word.

  6. October 23, 2013 at 11:34 am

    Another reason I’m glad all my old college papers are locked away forever on 5 1/2″ floppy discs formatted for the Apple IIe.

    • October 23, 2013 at 1:01 pm

      LOL them floppy discs. I wish this one was locked up on it but apparently, I’m a document hoarder.

  7. JJ
    October 23, 2013 at 11:35 am

    Don’t feel too bad about the ER comment. I said some ridiculous about ‘A Different World’ making me want to attend a Black Uni when I applied to Howard.::cringe:: where were my parents?

    • Nicole
      October 23, 2013 at 12:47 pm

      Don’t even feel bad about that. I went to FAMU halfway because of Hillman! AND it worked out. But I wouldn’t have put that in my application essay though lol.

    • October 23, 2013 at 1:02 pm

      But that’s at least legit. A LOTTA folks wanted to go to an HBCU because of A Diff’rent World.

  8. Albani
    October 23, 2013 at 11:37 am

    Um… Well… I’ve gone back on old Facebook posts, if that counts. I’m just like “How did I have friends?” I used to use q as a g and did the extra letters and just Ughh. I was SO ANNOYING lol.

    • October 23, 2013 at 1:02 pm

      LMAO! We’re all doing better now because we know better.

  9. LalaRochelle
    October 23, 2013 at 11:44 am

    ER though? Girl lmao! But honestly, I can say the show Boston Public made me get interested in being a teacher. I don’t have any college papers saved, but I clearly remember using the word “which” way to many times. And I know for a fact, my scholarship essays were fullllllllll of bullshyt

  10. Milaxx
    October 23, 2013 at 11:46 am

    Cause I’m old my high school papers prolly on scrolls or something. Class of 81, holla! I have a few of them in a folder in the basement. After reading yours, I don’t think I want to hurt my feelings by going down there and looking them up.

  11. Gerri S
    October 23, 2013 at 11:46 am

    Lol lol! I was just as extra with words and fake passion in my college essays, sis. And I SWORE I could write with the best of them. This made me feel soooo much better about some of the foolery I found when I last looked through mine.

  12. October 23, 2013 at 11:47 am

    I applied to get into an “honors” University in MD where most people who applied got accepted. The instructions were to write about my three favorite books. I copied my essay about my life that I used for another school’s application. I wondered why I didn’t get in until I looked at the requirements again. FAIL.

    • jacko
      October 23, 2013 at 3:59 pm


  13. Deja
    October 23, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    I just ran home, ripped the motherboard out of my college PC and went straight Cyrus with the Cytron card on it.

    • Mia
      October 24, 2013 at 1:12 pm


  14. RP14_96
    October 23, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    Fortunately, I did not have to write an essay for college! I can’t imagine what that thing would have said. It probably would have told me to start life over!

    Thanks for sharing, and showing that we all grow. Seriously, Thank you baby Jesus for growth!!

  15. October 23, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    Thought I wanted to be a doctor too, some of this sounds familiar. I didn’t use any ER references but I certainly wanted to “impact lives” through medicine. College essays make becoming a doctor sound so dreamy, glamorous, and “I want to save the world” and it’s so far from that. I’m sure college boards are glad most of those medical shows are not on TV anymore.

  16. Dante
    October 23, 2013 at 12:24 pm

    I love the part about wearing the white coat and scrubs..
    and I guess if you have time saving some patients

    I switched my major when I found I had to go past Cal 2

  17. M
    October 23, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    I think its an age thing. If it makes you feel any better college essays received today are just as full of BS – current students use different references but its clear to tell when someone has no clue what they want to do and are just filling in word requirements.

  18. Nicole
    October 23, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    Soooo I am an ER nurse (just got off the night shift actually) and I am CRACKING up right now, like for real shedding tears over this post! hahahahahahaha!!!!!! Sigh, oh thank you ma’am I will still be laughing at this when I wake up for for tonight.

  19. Trina
    October 23, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    Ally McBeal almost made me go to law school. I even took the LSAT. Then I realized that being a lawyer entailed more than wearing cute, mini-skirted suits and dancing with imaginary babies. You have to actually know the law and stuff. Yuck!

    • ASNCY621
      October 24, 2013 at 12:56 pm

      Yeah, that 1L year will make you question why you were even born. You have a group of people you like (your study group) and everyone else is, in your mind, trying to come for YOUR spot. I went to Yale and we were willing to cut one another over a Law Review or Moot Court spot. If you saw someone bleeding on the ground on the way to an exam, your thought wasn’t, “Call 911!,” it was, “HAHAHAHA, he’s getting an F, that brings down the curve AND he’s fucked!” It was grimy and I have no shame in my game.

  20. Niki
    October 23, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    That Jem and the Holograms GIF has made my entire life!!!!

    • reallyMichael?
      November 2, 2013 at 1:18 pm

      While I laughed at teenage Luvvie, truly the best part was the GIF! I’d like to forget my college essays but Jem & the Holograms was my world…and I still watch the old episodes online
      #don’t judge me

  21. Dominique
    October 23, 2013 at 12:59 pm

    I almost spit out my water several times until I read

    “And then I had a come to Jesus moment with myself and realized that I don’t even LIKE hospitals.”

    That’s when I had to cover my mouth so I wouldn’t spray my computer. LMAOOOOOOOOO! I read a high school paper earlier this year. I promptly threw it in the trash (finally).

  22. Lenore
    October 23, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    “from the television show ER…” I face palmed and sighed a DEEP sigh right there. You are better now Luvvie and THAT is what counts.
    I will never reread my work pre-2004 (GO KITS! 000000-4!) because of this.

  23. Lexi
    October 23, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    Lol High School papers have luckily been on the computer that was thrown out!!! lol ha but I imagine it was just as bad lol well maybe not quite…lol love you luvvie!!!

  24. October 23, 2013 at 3:43 pm

    This reminds me of how I put “I am not a girl, not yet a woman” as my senior quote in the yearbook….o_O…it is from a dang Britney Jean Spears song though! lol a messss sorta like this essay lol

  25. Londa
    October 23, 2013 at 4:02 pm

    Luvvie, THANK YOU for letting me see your sixteen year old self. This is the second time in about three days that God has shown me, through the growth of other people, that my intelligent, but hard-headed seventeen year old son will be ok.

    Now, I realize that I don’t have to fret over his crazily written essays. He claims to be a BEAST at writing but he waits until the last minute – almost literally – to knock them out. He may or may not have gotten the b.s. gene honestly.

    I am not ashamed to admit that my back in the day essays would have been as full of extra stuff too.

    ER though? LOL!!! What? You wanted to major in gettin’ busy in the janitor’s closet with Eriq LaSalle? 🙂

    Could have been worse, I suppose. At least you didn’t make a Real World or MTV Spring Break reference.

  26. October 23, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    I died at the ER part. All I did for a whole year was watch ER 10-12pm 5 days a week. Never wanted to be a doctor but I wanted love with the hot Croatian doctor and Abby though!

  27. October 23, 2013 at 5:49 pm

    I won an essay contest my senior year for “Why I’m Optimistic for America”. Painful, trite, sophomoric and corny. Why they gave me $$$ for this I don’t know. I have it somewhere. Playing “America the Beautiful” while reading it out loud on the Fourth of July seems to be the key to appreciating that drivel.

    So yeah, bad knows bad.

  28. Entropygrl
    October 23, 2013 at 9:34 pm

    This makes me so happy. It is how a sixteen year old’s college essay should sound. Unless you were one of those children who eradicated world poverty with the invention of your NASA space doowicky before the age of twelve, you were on point. And who wants that, you know she doesn’t have any friends. As someone who intimately knows the seedy underbelly of IVY League admissions and the professionally written essays, I applaud you and the smart college officer who recommended you for admission.

    And yea, ER is some weak sauce.

  29. shescomeunstrung
    October 24, 2013 at 2:00 am

    I’m with Londa above — letting us see your 16-year-old self is so reassuring to me as a mom! My son will be writing college essays next year and I’m seriously expecting something about how much he has learned about life from Mario and Luigi. If he manages to get it done at all.

    I can’t even handle my 16-year-old self, you are a brave, brave soul to let yours out!

  30. Lisa
    October 24, 2013 at 8:26 am

    Don’t be so hard on your 16-year-old self! I’m a high school English teacher and I promise you your essay was better than 90% of the papers that ever get turned into me. Kids are generally soooooo much lazier and unprepared than ever before. I truly fear for our future society.

  31. ASNCY621
    October 24, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    At least you had some humility in yours! I wrote mine around the notion of “effortless superiority” and how I embody it. I rewound the calendar to slap myself in the face. I think the only reason why they all admitted me is because they thought, “Oh, watching this bitch fail will be hilarious! Somebody get snacks!”

  32. Dannon K. Stewart
    October 24, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    Wait, do psychologist even see the inside of an ER? I’m thinking about going back to see some of my college essays, but I have to prepare myself for the tomfoolery that may show up on the document.

    • ASNCY621
      October 24, 2013 at 1:28 pm

      Psychiatrists do if a patient comes in the ER and the ER doctors suspect the person may be there due to psych issues, because the person has tried to commit suicide, if a doctor/family member has called the cops because they suspect the person might harm him or herself. Psychiatrists are part of a “crisis team” for the ER to manage, evaluate, and plan for a patient who landed in the ER for reasons related to or totally unrelated to physical injury.

  33. Adwoa
    October 25, 2013 at 1:01 am

    Yassssss – stumbling across your old writing is the best! Let’s talk about how I found the essay I submitted with my International Baccalaureate application (high school entrance, and I was young for my year in school, meaning I would have written this when I was about twelve).

    Girl… when I tell you I laughed until I had to stop and rest between cackles! We had to pick a personal quality that made us great; I picked perseverance – and decided to use it in just about every sentence. An excerpt:

    “Perseverance gives me power. With this power I push myself harder and strive to do better. I ignore those who would try to hold me from my goal, and I achieve what I want to. This is a focused power.”

    …So basically aged twelve I was like “You should let me into your program because I’m a stubborn bish, and I get what I want.” For some unknown reason, it worked – and I’m currently in a creative writing MFA program. Ha! #ThisIsAFocusedPower

  34. Sunny
    October 26, 2013 at 6:23 am

    The best I got was some old half finished journals. The struggle was real back then too. Apparently I had no friends and couldn’t understand why. My “relationships” with boys went from nothing to why doesn’t he like me. Sad thing is there is a lot about books I liked and some rather depressingly dark poetry – better story then 50 Shades of Gray lol