The Worst Use of a Fork Ever (Not Safe For Sense)

People do the DUMBEST things sometimes, and it’s hard to feel empathy for the foolish situations they find themselves in. Especially in the name of sex and getting off. Folks will make the most mind-blogging decisions when it comes to eroticism and doctors get to see and feel the brunt of humanity’s stupidity. Like the dude who stuck a live eel up his yansh because he saw it done in a pr0n. People are idiots.

And then there’s the 70-year old Australian dude who ended up in the hospital for sticking a fork up his penis, according to Gawker. Here’s his X-Ray (which is not safe for LIFE):

fork in penis man


WHAT IN THE HELL!?!? What kinda shit is this? Who does that?? WHY WOULD YOU?!? I have so many questions and no answers.

This man stuck a 4-inch fork up the hole in his peen. And it was so absurd that even the doctors were like “Look at this dummy here.” Well, they published the case in a journal but it’s basically the same thing. In fact, the fork was so stuck in there that doctors had to use forceps and LOTS of lube to get it out.

I heard sticking a Q-tip in there during checkups makes the machoest of thugs cry. This geriatric goon saw a fork and saw the pinhole and thought it’d be a good idea. In that moment when he said “I’m gonna do it” why didn’t his brain go “ABORT! ABORT! BAD IDEA! DON’T DO IT?!” What happened there?

What the Fuck are you doing Cat

Things aren’t supposed to go INSIDE your peen, sir! In fact, how did he even get the fork to get up there? Was he twisting and wiggling? How did the hole stretch to the point where it even let him get the fork in there? How long did this take? And did he get ANY enjoyment from it? Like I said, so many questions and no answers. The logistics of this boggles my mind.

Just stupid. This is why some folks cannot have nice things. EVER. He is President, CEO and Executive Director of Team Bad Decisions.

WHOOO! Anyone have answers for me? Cuz… NAWL!

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  1. Nee
    August 20, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    OhMyGAWD!!!! WTF was he thinking.

    • CafeGirlsPress
      September 3, 2013 at 12:46 am

      Troubling tines. Troubling tines. (See what I did there?)

      This lonely old man just needed someone to spoon him.

      I’m done here.

      • Bwahaha!
        August 7, 2014 at 1:13 am

        I hope your creamer for your coffee goes bad tomorrow for ruining my life with those puns tonight!

        Den you had the nerve to drop the mic?

        You ain’t no good!

      • GaNeane
        August 7, 2014 at 1:14 am


      • sunshine74
        August 7, 2014 at 1:15 am

        You, my friend, have it! You HAVE to pun this mess.

      • nichole
        August 7, 2014 at 9:27 am

        Major chuckles on that one. Thanks.

  2. August 20, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    Listen, I don’t even have a damn penis and I am cringing in pain right now. What makes people think their bodies can take this!?

  3. August 20, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    Ewwwwwwwwwwww! *runs off to douse eyeballs with holy water*

  4. Sunny
    August 20, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    I have seen some crazy things (There’s a video of a guy putting 5 AA batteries in there and then poping them out).But that dam cat had me laughing so hard.

    • WhiskeyOnTheRox
      August 20, 2013 at 1:51 pm

      That cat got me at my desk crying…

    • Shakira
      November 20, 2013 at 1:30 am

      I want that cat. Like, fa reals.

  5. SanTara
    August 20, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    How did he get it in there? Jeebus!! I wonder: Did he scrape his legs up from the fork tips? If he rocks back n forth will the fork tips scratch his balls for him? AND At 70 he thought this was a good idea, what other kitchen utensils has his lower regions been privy to when he was in his prime?

    • Tracey
      August 20, 2013 at 2:05 pm

      The way you think fascinates and scares me all at the same time. Can’t you just hear what it was like in his home in the past?

      “Umm honey, where’s the spatula?”

      “Well…see…what had happened was….”

      “Oh for the love…how many times do I have to tell you to stay the fuck out the kitchen? Let me call Gladys over at the urgent care…AND PUT THOSE TONGS DOWN! You’ll just make it worse…hey, Gladys. It’s me…yup, he did it again…I’m so glad I have you on speed dial…DIDN’T I SAY PUT THE TONGS DOWN?! Girl, this man….”

      • Jabari
        August 20, 2013 at 6:37 pm

        Ma’am, will you please let me be great!!!! Bwahbwwwaahhbah

      • AshleyG
        October 28, 2013 at 11:05 pm

        I’m over here DYING!!!! Between you and the cat gif I’m crying

      • Dani C's ghost
        August 7, 2014 at 3:57 pm

        You have ended my ENTIRE life with the got damn tongs!!! I hateth thee… Ooooo geebus I hateth thee so sweetly.

        Cryin real tears with the damn Gladys recap.


    • Quita
      August 7, 2014 at 8:35 am

      If he rocks back and forth will the fork tips scratch his balls for him….. I just died and woke back up to read this again! Give me life!

  6. RavenJ
    August 20, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    Ummm…How…??? Can one of the male resident Luv Bugs please explain to me (like I’m a 3 year old) why someone would do this? Please use the most basic of terms because I just don’t understand.

    • Veritas
      August 21, 2013 at 5:45 am

      Does not compute…
      TF!?! did the doctors ask him wsup tho??

  7. WhiskeyOnTheRox
    August 20, 2013 at 1:50 pm

    So wait he’s 70 yrs old and he lives Australia. Bet money he’s stuck more than a fork in his tinkie hole…

    • Veronica
      August 20, 2013 at 9:53 pm

      Ha! “Tinkie hole!” Ha! Made me giggle like a third grader!

  8. Justlikehoney1
    August 20, 2013 at 1:55 pm

    Stick a fork in that wiener, it’s done! o_O

    • vanitaapplebum
      August 21, 2013 at 2:26 pm

      *Screaming loud cackles* I love this comments section!

  9. Tracey
    August 20, 2013 at 2:00 pm


    Can’t type response…just fainted…the hell….

    The only thing that keeps me sane with this post (besides the other incredibly funny comments) is that cat GIF, which should be required viewing by so many damaged people.

    Like Mr. Fork Up the Yang…damn, I just fainted again…the hell….

    • Tracey
      August 20, 2013 at 2:12 pm

      And is it wrong that the first question that popped in my mind was, I wonder what kind of fork was it? Salad? Dinner? Shrimp? Like the proper place setting would make this a little less incredibly sick….

      • Elle
        August 21, 2013 at 12:51 pm

        No, I did too. I was just hoping that it was a seafood fork or something small. Why? Because somehow a smaller utensil helps me to make more sense of absolute foolishness. BTW, catheterization can make grown men howl with pain or even pass out (I seent it) so I just don’t understand how a fork can be inserted where it’s tough to put a straw-sized tube. Forget about lube, what kind of anesthesia was he using?

  10. August 20, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    I have been on the Internet long enough to see some REAL strange shit. And I refuse to link anyone, but there’s folks doing some real cruel stuff to their penises with nails, hammers, feet, and other insertables. I mean, it stretches. Some people work on making it stretch and do get off to it. I uh…I’d rather not even think of somebody stretching any part of that hole.

    o_o I honestly didn’t think they DID stretch until I started seeing those shock vids and sites I mentioned. There are indeed some very special folk in this world.

    And by “special”, I mean stupid as heeeeeeeeeeeell.

  11. That Dude
    August 20, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    *crosses legs & curls up in fetal position* nonononononononononnooooooooooooNO!

    Idk why you would do that? The pain with even a Q-tip is no joke…I’ve had a catheter once, and I wanted to have Jesus come lay my burdens down…so this is just…no. I can’t imagine how painful it was to put it in, let alone when it came out – especially since its not smooth & they had to jiggle it…*faints*

  12. August 20, 2013 at 2:48 pm

    I. Can’t. Even. This has me cringing and crossing my legs and shaking my head and I am so glad I have some privacy at work right now because I would not know what to say to anyone that comes over to me and says “what are you looking at?”

  13. August 20, 2013 at 2:48 pm

    I’m just too damn curious for my own good and now I cannot unsee or unread this. Thank my eyes for the cat gif. Seriously I see all your questions and raise you one- How did he get the straightjacket off to even do this?

    They say “once a man twice a child” and this old dude just proved that. Babies stick sweets and buttons up their noses so I guess when you hit 70 you have to do something spectacular. I’m rambling to prevent myself from gagging. Oohh look a cat gif. Much better now.

  14. August 20, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    I volunteered in a ER. You’d be surprised how many people were walking around the house naked, slipped and fell, and something got up their azz. You know how it is – you’re cleaning your windows in the nude, fall butt-first on a lego, and it goes 4 inches up your booty? We’ve all done that. And 0___________________O

    • Sunny
      August 20, 2013 at 8:44 pm

      This made me laugh so hard I hyperventilated, cried, coughed, gagged, screamed, gasped, and couldn’t breathe. The dog came to check on me, so did the fiancé. Not kidding. SCREAMING laughing!

    • milaxx
      August 20, 2013 at 9:56 pm

      I used to work in an ER. We had a semi regular nicknamed screw man cause he was always showing them up his peen and would occasionally require medical assistance to remove them.

      • WhiskeyOnTheRox
        August 21, 2013 at 4:03 pm

        I once had a philosophy professor who’s wife was an ER nurse. Every class he would set aside like 15 minutes and tell us an ER story. One particular day it involved a flashlight and a pair of “D” batteries that didn’t make it out of a specific cavity of a man. O_o

        • August 7, 2014 at 12:26 am

          A friend was a tech at a convention of proctologists. They had a whole slide show of things people had gotten stuck up their butts. The grand prize winner was a Jack Daniels bottle. Jack Daniels bottle. SMDH.

  15. Jabari
    August 20, 2013 at 2:59 pm

    Sir, what exactly was your end game here? What kind of pleasure/enjoyment were you hoping to achieve with this?

    I’m actually confused on wtf is wrong with people #UhPeople

  16. Katori
    August 20, 2013 at 3:56 pm

    “This geriatric goon..” & The Cat! Hahahahaha!!!!

  17. Drea823
    August 20, 2013 at 6:01 pm

    That. Cat. Has. Me. Screaming! Pretty much sums up my sentiments exactly. WTF?? These freaky azz keeblers need to get on somewhere….smh.

  18. LadyO
    August 20, 2013 at 6:20 pm

    DAMN GINA! What the shit!
    I absolutely do not want to play with this man. This shit right cheah will get you kicked off the playground!

  19. August 20, 2013 at 7:08 pm

    First off, HOW IN ALL THE HELLS!?!?
    Second: That cat! *DEAD*

  20. Sunny
    August 20, 2013 at 8:37 pm

    That cat .gif has me in tears! Seriously, that cat ruined my makeup!

  21. Hasyti
    August 20, 2013 at 10:28 pm

    I work in an ER. People put things in all orifices. All types of things:potatoes, disposable razors, light bulbs, produce. Nothing about people confuses me anymore…

    • WhiskeyOnTheRox
      August 21, 2013 at 4:05 pm

      So basically you have lost all hope for humanity.

    • Tracey
      August 23, 2013 at 4:51 pm

      Wait, what…did you say potatoes and produce? Who puts a tater tot up their yang? Has our down economy really led to people using their zucchini or bananas as a substitute for shopping at Smitten Kitten? And how do you find out that sticking organic kale salad up your woohah is what gets you off?

      I’m not even going near the razors or light bulbs because…damn….

  22. Sunshine
    August 23, 2013 at 2:41 pm

    I honestly though that it was a woman that suck up her fork up her hoo-haa. But, a fork in his penis??? What in da helll??? I have more questions? Like what is the recovery time? How does he explain to his next sexual partner a stretched out penis hole?

    I bet when he pees it sounds like gushing water… I can go on but, I’m going to fall out my chair from laughter. I honestly can’t with these people.

    • mz. niecy
      August 25, 2013 at 1:50 pm

      Gushing water lol, you so #stoopid

  23. mz. niecy
    August 25, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    This ish gave me the chills and I don’t mean in a good way. If that was my grandpa he would be so disowned right now.

  24. kisha
    August 25, 2013 at 4:27 pm

    Oh my GOD! Best. gif. EVER. “What the Fck are you doing????”

    I’m weak.

  25. MzQuinn
    August 26, 2013 at 12:17 am

    I am absolutely *DEAD* at that cat gif! My husband thought I had lost my mind cuz I went from cringing while reading the story to laughing uncontrollably!
    As for Grandpa, there actually is a fetish for stretching the hole in the penis. Don’t ask me what it’s called cuz I don’t remember, but you can buy rods in various sizes to slowly make it wider…. *The More You Know* hahahaha

    • Prittikitti
      August 26, 2013 at 3:09 pm

      I saw the shooting star when you said that!! Lmao!!!

  26. Camille~
    August 30, 2013 at 9:03 am

    OMG..the cat!! #icant LMAO

  27. August 30, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    I have read it all! First off….naw….can’t ask…just no question can come out right now…..laughing and crying!!! And OMG @MzQuinn….uhhhhh??!!! I have heard it all…now! That cat…sending out subli-animal messages….:”don’t for the love of all that is…do that!”

  28. CafeGirlsPress
    September 3, 2013 at 12:44 am

    “Was he twisting and wiggling? How did the hole stretch to the point where it even let him get the fork in there? How long did this take? And did he get ANY enjoyment from it?”

    “It’s important to ask the tough questions, and get the tough answers, before taking action” — John Kerry

    I’m jussayin.

  29. Jazzy
    September 23, 2013 at 1:59 pm

    That made my vagina hurt. 0_o

  30. Shakira
    November 20, 2013 at 1:37 am

    No! BAD Pop Pop! No sticking forks in your pee hole, BAD!!!

    • Fran
      August 7, 2014 at 6:22 am

      There’s always that one comment that make me, laugh/cry/cough/hiccup all at once…..and this is IT! #badpoppop.

  31. Tish
    August 7, 2014 at 1:10 am

    Weellll, I know for s fact that a Wall St. dude walked into a certain medical center one night after waking up from a wild party to find his (swollen and oh-so-tender)peen stuck in a soda can. There was a cocktail of top-shelf liquor/cocaine/angel-dust involved…So I vote for drugs.

  32. Tira
    August 7, 2014 at 4:23 am

    Forking doesn’t lead to spooning. Pops done lost his mind. He’s that crazy relative that we would keep locked in a room with a big back TV and a box of Capri Suns back in the day.

  33. Bump21
    August 7, 2014 at 6:40 am

    This is exactly why you can’t eat at er’body house!!!

  34. Yolanda Johnson
    August 7, 2014 at 6:53 am

    I cant the cat the cat. Why why?

  35. Kamaisha
    August 7, 2014 at 6:55 am

    I am writing this after being resuscitated because this cat gif. Wait…I’m dead again.

  36. Nikki
    August 7, 2014 at 8:08 am

    Howwwwwwwwwww??? I’m clenching my legs like I have one.

  37. nichole
    August 7, 2014 at 9:30 am

    It was a salad fork.
    Lettuce pray.

  38. mschan
    August 7, 2014 at 11:50 pm

    Now I dont feel so bad for getting a pencil eraser stuck in my ear last week