Famous folksLetters

Dear Men’s Health Magazine, Your List Sucks

The other night on Twitter, I saw folks slandering Jennifer Aniston heavily and wondered why. They informed me that in a list that Men’s Health Magazine released, rating the Hottest Women of All Time, Jennifer Aniston was listed as #1. I asked for a link to it and what met me was a terrible list. It was clearly picked out by people who had NO idea what sexy looks like. Were they the Duggars??? Anyway, I need to write Men’s Health Magazine a sternly-worded letter for their foolishness.

Dear Men’s Health Magazine,

What the hell??? Seriously. This list of your is atrocious. It’s so bad that I kinda wanna ask the government to close you down. I’m even willing to start a petition. First of all, naming Jennifer Aniston the hottest chick of all time is like saying Kool-Aid is the healthiest drink one can have. No shade to Ms. Aniston (which guarantees that this will be full of shade) but she isn’t even the sexiest white chick named Jennifer who was on TV, let alone of all the chicks on EARTH. I think Jennifer is cute so I won’t e’em snatch her wig like others did. I’ma let her cook because her face doesn’t make me frown. But #1? NAWL, B.

But the list said she got there because she’s funny. If that was really the criteria, then someone like Tina Fey would be there. So I don’t understand.

As if that wasn’t ridiculous enough, the rest of the list is even worse. I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it’s subjective but your editors’ eyes musta been poked out. I went through the list from 100 to 1 and here are some of my strongest reactions and WTF moments:

100 Hottest Women of ALL Time

* Tina Turner is #99?!?!?! *reports MensHealth Magazine as a virus* I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS! So I’ma sit. \___. Tina??? Of the legs that are insured for millions of dollars?? Of the sequined minidresses?? She’s BARELY on your sexiest list? Who smoked too much before these rankings? Point them out!

* Julia Roberts is #95?? Pretty woman?? REALLY? Oh ok. So I HOPE 94 people on this list are way hotter than she is.

* Audrey Hepburn and Grace Kelly are ranked in the 80s. And Dorothy Dandridge is #88??? This list is LOSING.

* Elizabeth Taylor is #69??? She’s one of the sexiest women EVER. Men fell at her feet ALL HER LIFE. SHE HAD VIOLET EYES, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! I don’t understand how she’d be this low on this list.

* Alicia Silverstone is #66. She got about as much sexual charisma as this pic I just used to get meat out my teeth. I don’t e’em…

* Nicole Schee’fk’egeprgkerpgke of the Pussy Cat Dolls is higher on this list (#65) than Liz Taylor & Tina Turner. This is why we can’t have nice things. Ever.

* Pam Grier is #57. YALL BETTER #PAYCORRECTAMISH to Foxy Brown! I can’t. My blood pressure is sky high. My light bill gon be through the roof!

* Sophia Loren is #47. GTFOH. She should be higher on this list. Sphia SLAYS. That woman is FAHN, even in old age.

* Wait. WAYMENT!!! STOP THE PRESSES!!! Paris Hilton is #46. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore. Why is she even on this list AT ALL???

* Cindy Crawford is #39. She should be in the top 20. This isn’t up for debate. #SHEFAHN

* Halle Berry is #35. Folks are out here losing. HALLEH BERREH IS TOP 10! I have an attitude. (-__-)

* Beyonce is #33. *goes to sit on Men’s Health Magazine’s lawn* THEY WILL NOT!! Come on! Bey should be top 20. This makes no sense!

* Cameron Diaz is #24. She’s bout as sexy as a plain bagel. But aight. This list is clearly null & ALLAWAY void.

* Angelina Jolie is #10. I guess… y’all must not have wanted to put her too close to Jennifer. We know how J is still salty that she took Brad Pitt. SIX YEARS AGO.

* Madonna is #5. But she looks like a crypt keeper. Aight. (-___-)

* And Jennifer Aniston is #1, which is higher than Marilyn Monroe at #3. Jennifer doesn’t even have a dress that she’s made iconic. She DID have “The Rachael” haircut but no one has tried to replicate that since 1997.

Where is: Iman, Naomi Campbell, Diahann Carroll, Eartha Kitt, Beverly Johnson on this list??? ALL of them are stunning. Tyra Banks made it (#63), as she should have but these other icons should be there. And I ain’t gon be the one to say it. So I’ma say it. Not ONE colored person in the top 10? Now y’all KNOW… where’s Jesse and Al? But not only that, Charlize Theron is nowhere on this list. HAVE Y’ALL SEEN HER??? She’s stunning! And Topanga and her luxurious thick coif?

I WILL NOT LET YOU COOK, MEN’S HEALTH MAGAZINE!!! This list is about as accurate as Dubya was about those weapons of mass destruction. I need y’all to show some receipts on how this list was created. The raggelly ranking is soooo off the charts wack that I wish all your advertisers would give you the side-eye til you make it make sense! This list is rubbish.

Yours in Protest,

Did you see the list? Whatcha think? Who do you think did this ranking?

and add me on Facebook.

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  1. December 9, 2011 at 11:50 pm

    Ok I stopped reading when you said Tina was 99. 99?!? GTFOHWTBS!!!!!

    We all want Tina’s legs. 99. Hmph! 99. Im going to bed…..99 what da hayle?

    • December 9, 2011 at 11:52 pm


      • Palantra
        April 22, 2013 at 12:10 am

        Gals, you have to remember this is a white man’s magazine. You didn’t really expect them to put any black women within the top ten didn’t. Come on now. Did any Hispanic or Asians make it to the top ten?

  2. December 9, 2011 at 11:53 pm

    Was Greta Garbo on the list? Marlene Dietrich? Angelina is way hotter than Jennifer.

    • December 10, 2011 at 5:59 pm

      I know I saw Marlene on the list. Not sure about Greta though. And hell yeah Angelina’s way hotter than Jennifer.

  3. Jennifer
    December 10, 2011 at 12:03 am

    Helen Miren nowhere to be found? Travesty. This list is so rude and disrespectful.

    • December 10, 2011 at 5:58 pm

      RIGHT!!! Helen is BEAUTIFUL! Nowhere on this list. Men’s Health Mag is full of hater bishes. I swear.

  4. Sheera
    December 10, 2011 at 12:09 am

    I had a moment when I saw Paris Hilton! Seriously. I stopped looking at my computer, put my head down and banged on my laptop cause #seriously … and Kim Karwhorshian is hotter than HALLE BERRY, Tyra Banks, Tina Turner, Beyonce, & Nicole Scherzinger … what world do they live in!
    MAN … this list is the horriblest list in the History of the World! My god, Any of the aforementioned women have more sex appeal in their pinky than Paris or Nicole have in their WHOLE body!

    • Sheera
      December 10, 2011 at 12:12 am

      haha oops Paris or what’s her name … Kim Karwhorshian … I think that’s who I meant … she’s soooooo not hot … she is a desperate crone who keeps failing at trapping a rich, Black man to marry her skank behind

    • December 10, 2011 at 5:57 pm

      GURL. Paris & Nicole need to be erased from this list, never to be mentioned in the same breath as Tina Turner again.

  5. December 10, 2011 at 12:43 am

    I don’t even want to see the list. But you killed Men’s Health! I can barely breathe. They stupid (I mean it as I wrote it). I think this is a matter for homeland security. America’s media outlets (the rich, white ones) have obviously been infiltrated.

    • December 10, 2011 at 5:56 pm

      Right. This list means the terrorists have won.

      • Brianna Leigh
        December 10, 2011 at 6:30 pm

        The terrorists have won. #dead

  6. sincerelyalana
    December 10, 2011 at 1:17 am

    Listen…Elizabeth Taylor should have been in the top ten. That woman was BAD as hell. Just beautiful.

    And Madonna is #5 while Beyonce and Halle are stuck at #33 and #35 I want to talk directly to the person that put this list together.

    • December 10, 2011 at 5:55 pm

      Girl! I wanna talk to their management. Immejately.

  7. Magi
    December 10, 2011 at 6:27 am

    How dare they list that human daschund puppy Paris Hilton ahead of Dorothy Dandridge?! I hope Mae West was on that list! The men who decided this list are virgins who play Dungeons & Dragons in their parents basement as they wait for their mom to bring them a Swansons TV dinner on a Friday night! They wouldn’t know sexy if it walked into their wet dream and said “Guess what?! I’m sexy!!!”. *end rant*

    • December 10, 2011 at 9:21 am

      You win. Hands down. I had a funny comment all planned out about how my 16 year old neighbor must have put this list together, but you blew me away.

      This list is a tragedy. Literally, a tragedy. Jennifer Anniston wasn’t even the sexiest woman on Friends. She’s not even the sexiest woman Brad Pitt has been photographed with. She could win the “Sexiest Woman Whose Dad is on Days of Our Lives.” When does that award come out?

      • December 10, 2011 at 5:53 pm

        I’m just saying, Christi. This list is the worst EVER. “She could win the “Sexiest Woman Whose Dad is on Days of Our Lives.” She might not even win THAT. No shade.

    • December 10, 2011 at 5:55 pm

      LMAO @ human daschund puppy. WELP.

      Mae West was on the list, but she was low on it. They all lose.

      • December 9, 2012 at 2:21 am

        I would like to nominate my frenid Karen Timbrell, who raises funds and awareness of brain tumours in children on behalf of Brain Tumour Research. She is a complete inspiration her own teenage daughter Holly has a brain tumour and they are both amazing. Karen campaigns tirelessly with articles in newspapers, magazines, tv and radio and through petitions Holly even made it to the House of Lords to put her case for more funding forward. Karen organises fundraising evenings as well she really does put SO much time and effort in I would love to reward her with this gift just to remind her how amazing she is!Brain Tumours in children have so little funding compared to other forms of cancer and so little is known about this type of cancer it needs more research and the families need plenty of support.Karen always has a smile and has raised an amazing daughter through it all.

  8. Brianna Leigh
    December 10, 2011 at 6:36 am

    I stopped reading the list after Jennifer Aniston. I’m a straight woman, so maybe I just don’t get it…?

    • December 10, 2011 at 9:22 am

      Brianna, I told my husband that Jennifer won, and he looked at me like I farted. So, I don’t think it’s because you are a straight woman.

      • December 10, 2011 at 5:52 pm

        *cackles* at “he looked at me like I farted.”

    • December 10, 2011 at 5:54 pm

      I’m a straight woman too sooo…

      • Brianna Leigh
        December 10, 2011 at 6:32 pm

        Who made this list though? David Schwimmer? This is a question for Siri. Someone should ask her.

        • December 11, 2011 at 4:39 pm

          Yes, ask Siri, she’ll break it down for us! lol

  9. Sam
    December 10, 2011 at 10:11 am

    was myrtle urkel #2?

    • December 10, 2011 at 5:52 pm

      LOL!!! She #minuswell be.

  10. December 10, 2011 at 10:15 am

    The fact that Cameron Diaz is anywhere NEAR this list renders it TRASH and I shan’t have any of it. HOW IN THE COLD BLUE F*CK is Diahnn Carroll NOT on this list??

    Yeah, this is bullshiggity of the highest degree.

    • December 10, 2011 at 10:17 am


      *kicks all of the AweLuv trash cans & goes to occupy someplace in my angst*

    • December 10, 2011 at 5:52 pm

      Ain’t it boolsheet??? And Diahann Carroll missing really grinds my gears. NAWL.

    • December 16, 2011 at 2:52 pm

      Cameron Diaz looks like vaginal discharge.

  11. December 10, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    Men’s Health is trying to not be the icon for gay males, so they pick a manly-looking woman as their #1. I guess soft, smooth, and sensuous is not as sexy as angular, veiny, pale, and flat. 0____o

    • December 10, 2011 at 5:51 pm

      LMAO!!! They are flawed over there.

    • December 11, 2011 at 4:41 pm

      Ugghh at angular, veiny, pale and flat! We need to bum rush Men’s Health like we did Psychology Today.

  12. kelly
    December 10, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    I saw this list crap on Yahoo’s homepage and I kept waiting for Ashton Kutcher to pop up and tell me he was punking the internet but alas, he did not show up.

    Tina Turner #99? Men’s Health need to sit the ell down in all the seats. They needs seats that ain’t even been made.

  13. Nolachick
    December 11, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    What about Salma Hayek?

  14. December 11, 2011 at 10:23 pm

    What number was Halle Berry on this list? After your rundown, I dare not look at this list myself.

    • December 12, 2011 at 9:20 pm

      #35. Can you believe that???

  15. aStatesman
    December 12, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    I didn’t see Lena Horne on the list. That was a bad woman in her day.

    Seriously, Jennifer Aniston as #1!? My dental hygienist looks better than her. Angelina Jolie’s bottom lip has more sex appeal than all of Jennifer Aniston.

    • December 12, 2011 at 1:25 pm

      LULLLZZZ!!! Not Angie’s bottom lip!!!

  16. Emma
    December 12, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    hol up! how is Emma Watson not on the list?

  17. emti
    December 14, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    We need to occupy the men’s health offices…we need answers…who’s with me

  18. December 16, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    Did u just throw in Topanga? I CAN’T!!

    I dont even have enough weed to smoke in order to sift through and destroy this list. It comes from the pits of hell. Therefore, i rebuke it.

    Halle Berry, Sanaa Lathan, and Janet Jackson will forever be in the top ten of every single sexiest women list. I dnt care if GOD published one without them on it. I’ll rebuke his too.