LetterMy Life

Dear Roach That Punked Me Last Night

I saw a roach in my apartment last night. And it punked me. So I decided to write it a sternly-worded letter.

Dear Roach,

You won this round. And might win the entire battle too. I’ve yet to come to terms with your presence in my crib. In fact, I might just let you have the place. I can’t deal.

Last night, when I heard little taps on my hardwood floor, I looked to the right and there you were going across my floor like you belonged there. And I screamed. Like a banshee. And hopped in the same spot over and over again. And screamed some more, repeating “OMG OMG OMG!!! THERE’S A ROACH! OMG!!!” I looked like a tweenager at a Jonas Brothers concert. I almost fainted. LAWD!

Where did you come from??? Are there more of you??? I don’t have dirty dishes in the sink. My garbage isn’t even full yet. And the place is clean. WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM?? LAWD I GOT SO MANY QUESTIONS! And no RAID spray in sight. This is NOT COOL.

Roach

I hopped on my couch and stayed there. I wondered how long I could survive on the Couch Island I created but that only lasted 50 minutes because I had to go pee. But listen roach. You can have this place. You win. I will break my lease and move for you. You and whatever cronies you have. You bastards can throw little roach parties here. I will find somewhere else to live because MY life ain’t gon be shared with no 45-legged critter who wants to ruin my night. Ok I know you only have like 8 leg but that’s 6 too many.

If my mama was here, she’d hunt you down and murk you entirely. This is why I wanna be like her when I grow up. She ain’t scared of you or your other raggelly kind. Yes, y’all are the thugs of the insect world. Hell, y’all are thugs of life in general. Y’all will outlive us all. BUT STILL… I want your life ended!

I’ont appreciate how you dropkicked ALL my strength to face obstacles and trials through the goalposts of life, y’all. I NEED TO LIVE AGAIN!!! *drops*

Jesus finally gave me the courage to get off the couch and live my life again. I ain’t gon be entirely punked by no roach (let’s ignore the fact that I actually cried real tears). I AIN’T GON BE NO BISH (in spite of the almost hour I spent sitting at the top of the couch so my feet wouldn’t touch the ground).

Next time I see you, I’ma be ready with RAID spray. COME AT ME, BRO! (No, please don’t come at me. I can’t handle all those legs).

Yours in Phobia-dom,

LuvBug

Are y’all as scared of roaches as I am? Have you ever been punked like I was last night?

Update: When I woke up, I found the roach legs up near the last place where I heard. DING DONG, THE WITCH IS DEAD! ROACHES ARE MY KRYPTONITE, Y’ALL! I lose all cool and couth. But this one died overnight. Prayer changes. I finally got courage to sweep it up after 3 hours. YES LAWD!!!

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61 Comments

  1. Minacakes
    October 4, 2011 at 7:37 am

    YAAAASSSS!!!! I HATE THEM! I am just waiting (b/c you know no matter how clean you are at some point one of those crunchy ninjas will show up) waiting for the terrible day when I see one and commence to breaking down b/c I just can’t deal. I have trained my dog to “look” in the direction I point for this very reason (she killed some other funny looking bug from outside just last week).

    I’ve considered finding someone to date right now just so I can have somebody to call for these emergencies.

    I’m in Texas and we have those HUGE heart attack inducing actual 45-legged ones that have the nerve to be able to take flight….see I’m getting heart palpitations right now. I’m done.

    • Sierra
      October 4, 2011 at 8:18 am

      YAAASSSSS!! i used to live in san antonio and them roaches be flying!! we would be at the football games at night and we would have to swat those dang roaches away!

      • Tonia
        October 9, 2011 at 3:48 pm

        I HATE roaches, but, living in the south I’ve learned to calmly kill them. HOWEVER, a flying waterbug will send me into fits of screaming and a tear or two. I am the only female in the house so when they hear me scream they know a roach is nearby. It doesn’t matter the cleanliness all the time. When the seasons change they come in looking for refuge. Whatever I have nearby that sprays I will spray. Glass cleaner, hairspray…anything to slow them down to kill em!

  2. RhondaMo
    October 4, 2011 at 7:40 am

    Maybe it came from a neighbor. Anyways, some Home Defense from Home Depot should knock that out

  3. RhondaMo
    October 4, 2011 at 7:40 am

    Maybe it came from a neighbor. Anyways, some Home Defense from Home Depot should knock that out.

  4. October 4, 2011 at 7:42 am

    I stay spraying my trash can and around the windows. I don’t want any roaches in my house. I make sure to eat at the table and not my room. I know my grandmother sounds like your mother. She wouldn’t think twice about killing it. She told me they’re more afraid then we are but umm… I doubt that

  5. October 4, 2011 at 7:46 am

    LOL, that had my cracking up. Watch out if they start talking to you, like in that old tv show Joe’s Apartment.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate,
    Tiffany

    • Tonia
      October 9, 2011 at 3:50 pm

      Eww! That show was so nasty! I couldn’t watch it for all them roaches!!! LOL!!!

  6. Uglycleanbroke87
    October 4, 2011 at 8:04 am

    HELL YEAH I am terrified of roaches. A few summers ago I took a trip to Puerto Rico with my friends. One of their friends picked us up, and as we got into the car, I saw something crawling but I thought I was imagining things.

    As she kept driving, they were speaking in Spanish and I swore I heard “la cuckaracha.” (Or however you spell it.) At the same time, I saw little roaches crawling on the seats of the damn car! Apparently the girl had been sold the car and it was dirty as hell, and no matter how much she cleaned, the roaches wouldn’t go away. Oooohh boy, I was acting a fool! I literally was ready to jump out of the car.

    • NeicyRox
      October 4, 2011 at 10:04 am

      See, this is the stuff from horror movies. Made my skin crawl; I can only imagine how it was in real life.
      Lordhammurcy, that’s too much.

  7. October 4, 2011 at 9:58 am

    i’ve come to realize that you’re house doesn’t have to be dirty in order to get roaches. all it takes is a dirty neighbor. they migrate. not to scare you or anything but i heard a statistic that somewhere that says for every roach you see there are at least 10 you don’t see.

    you didn’t see any roaches in nigeria? when i went there were the size of size d batteries. i wasn’t even worried about them. i was more so worried about the scorpions.

  8. October 4, 2011 at 10:19 am

    I called maintenance with the quickness the day I saw three roaches in my kitchen. I hadn’t had roaches all summer, then tenants move in and bring their lil roommates with them who come in my apt uninvited. Rude asses!

  9. jay Wes
    October 4, 2011 at 11:01 am

    I need to copy your letter. I Too am deathly afraid of those things. I also found out recently that I am actually allergic to them so I may need to tweak your letter a bit…

  10. Janna
    October 4, 2011 at 11:29 am

    The other night, my kitten was cuddling me in bed. Then he jumped up and ran outside to the open balcony. He was scuttling around for a few minutes, then got tired and bored and cold and came back inside, jumping back into bed with me. He climbed atop my chest and as I was petting him, he ran down my torso, but I was still left petting something.

    THAT BITCH KILLED A MOUSE OUTSIDE AND BROUGHT IT TO ME AND I WAS PETTING THE FUCKING THING.

    Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl………. My downstairs neighbor knocked on my door because I was running laps around my apartment with tears flowing outta my eyes and my hair billowing behind me. I wound up in the shower with all of my clothes on, and you need to BELIEVE that I threw away my new pajamas and bedsheets, and am now sleeping in the guest room.

    I CANNOT.

    • October 4, 2011 at 1:03 pm

      o.O

      woooooooooooooow. And the poor kitty couldnt figure out why Mommy was freaking out, especially since he brought you a present and all. o.O

      Giiiiiirrrrrllll, you better than me. Everybody would have to be gone, mouse, kitty, errybody.

    • MObetta
      October 4, 2011 at 5:14 pm

      Oh…my…GOODNESS! I would’ve called for Jesus to come and take me home in that very moment because I would not have been able to go on living life as I knew it.

      But I must admit, that visual did give me life, LOL, maxing and relaxing in your bed petting a dead mouse! EEK!

    • October 8, 2011 at 10:49 am

      This is why cats do not win with me. I think I might have been as dead as that mouse after that discovery.

      x_x

    • October 8, 2011 at 12:16 pm

      HAAA! I love cats and my cats love me, so much that one of them did the same thing for me. Brought me a dead mouse and set it right at my front door. Just to show his love for me. I almost dropped dead when I opened my front door that day.

      But your kitty loves you more! 😀

  11. Kay
    October 4, 2011 at 11:32 am

    Luv Bug, calm down, I live in Houston, and ours fly!!! Here’s what you do, go and get those roach motels and place them in your cabinets on every shelf and in the corners in the kitchen..also, do your bathroom…promise you this will cease fire…and change them out every couple of months…

    • Chanise
      October 4, 2011 at 3:30 pm

      Thank you Kay. I live in Houston too and a flying ROACH has ran me clean out my own apartment before..lmao…I will definitely be looking for these Roach Motels you speak of TODAY!

    • T682
      October 9, 2011 at 3:53 pm

      I live in Charleston. You haven’t lived until one lands on you on a dark summer night. I was ready to fly to the angels!!!

  12. October 4, 2011 at 11:56 am

    LAWD.

    Yes, I was double-punked like that by a waterbug before. I ALWAYS hate when it rains (and it’s humid) because that’s when the waterbug goons arrive. I remember I had taken a flaxseed vitamin the prior night (or at least I thought I had) and woke up the next morning, turned on the light and thought I saw a waterbug on the floor near my bed. I SQUEALED, hurried up and grabbed my houseshoe and slapped the SHAT outta…

    … the flaxseed vitamin that I THOUGHT I taken, but had fallen off the bed that night whilst I was asleep.

    -_______________-

    • October 4, 2011 at 12:49 pm

      waterbug ain’t nothing but a fancy word for roach. kinda like the whole dove/pigeon thing. -_- , lol

      • October 4, 2011 at 12:50 pm

        I think a waterbug is an obese roach.

        • October 4, 2011 at 12:56 pm

          that racist, or sizeist or something. You are nto a good person, that’s why you got punked by a roach.

        • October 4, 2011 at 12:57 pm

          I’m mad you came full circle, doe. #CircleOfStrife

    • Janna
      October 4, 2011 at 1:21 pm

      So does that mean you ate the goonbug’s baby rather than the flaxseed….? You consumed SOMEthin’…!

      • October 4, 2011 at 4:44 pm

        LOL, definitely the vitamin since it still looked like a vitamin (it was a brownish gel joint) after I smashed it good with my shoe. A bug woulda been flat dinaa mug.

      • October 4, 2011 at 11:31 pm

        LAWDDDD!!! *Gags*

    • lexi
      October 4, 2011 at 2:56 pm

      lmao!!!everytime it rains im home defense’n it up!!! i dont play those games. my german shepard barks at it and tries to push it with his paw, my rottweiler will eat the nasty thing ugh!!! lol

      • October 4, 2011 at 11:30 pm

        I might need to get a dog now.

    • LB
      October 4, 2011 at 8:46 pm

      That flaxseed gel?
      It was sangin’ “Juicy” by B.I.G. af-er you gots done hittin’ the crap outta it.

      LOL. GREAT story!

  13. Serenity
    October 4, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    I once stepped on a roach that was so big, I felt it through my shoe. I ain’t mad at your concern. But unless you have someone in your immediate household that will take care of the job when you see it, you might have to man up. Remember as long as it isn’t as big as your foot, you’re good.

  14. Jocy
    October 4, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    Now that I’m finished laughing, I have to say that I feel your pain. Several years ago, I lived in a building where several of my neighbors must have been nasty. The leasing company had a contract with an exterminator who came out every other month.

    The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I woke up at 2 am with a roach on the side of my face. It had fallen from the ceiling and was buzzing in my ear. I’m certain my heart stopped for a few minutes. I did not sleep the rest of that night. I dang near asphyxiated myself with bug spray.

    My next step was to call my friend, the realtor. Within a few months, I was moving out of my apartment and into a house of my own. Yes, the roach won (I guess I won too).

  15. October 4, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    Luvvie, I feel you! I am a clean person, and when those lil f’ers showed up in my apartment, beleee when I had a fit. Had the place exterminated by maintainence and he told me that roaches will migrate, as was said earlier, from a dirty place to a clean one. He recommended a product called Combat. It comes in this little tube with a plunger. Apply it liberally. I had no more roaches after two days. (Granted, I only saw two, but that was two too many!)

  16. Karen
    October 4, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    You have me sitting here scratching. Let me go jump in the shower right quick!

    • October 4, 2011 at 11:30 pm

      GIRL.

  17. LB
    October 4, 2011 at 8:40 pm

    Yer Most (Afraid) Awesomelynessis?
    Hummmmm …. Was this some sort of parity ‘bout you buyin’ that new Lil’ Wayne CD an’ lookin’ at the cover pic?
    Just sayin’

    But I feel ya (we can sang Anthony Hamilton together now). Was once on a date at a very swank (with prices to match) restaurant an’ this uppity little roach walked right out on the table. Stared at both our dinners. Then I swear it looked up at me an’ did the head-diss, all like “Wha’ YOU lookin’ at?!”

    The date was not impressed. (But I wasn’t impressed with her either)

    L “I smashed it an’ Won” B

    • October 4, 2011 at 11:24 pm

      LMAOOO @ you not being impressed with the roach and your date. It be like that sometimes. It bes like that.

  18. October 5, 2011 at 9:29 am

    Boric acid. It’s a powder… I think you can get it by cleaning supplies and shit. You put it along the floor and inside your cabinets and shit and it kills them. Because the scary thing is that there isn’t ever ONE. Never ever. I’m sorry. So Raid only kills the one you see, not the other ones that are around. Boric acid dehydrates them or some shit and they all eat it and die. It works really well.

  19. Chanel T
    October 5, 2011 at 9:47 pm

    Naw. Roaches and mice are the quickest way to turn me into a lease breaker.

    Once I was doin the heavy cupcake thang…you know…candles, wine, suggestive panty dropper song on the radio…it was ON. I lean back and go to close my eyes when i see sumthin run up the wall. I jumped up faster than a mug and kneed this n!gga right in the side of his head. Didn’t apologize either. He talkin about “Why i gotta kill it?”

    O________o Look if u cant spot AND kill all bugs bigger than an ant for me…you get NONE of the goodies. I do believe that roach was tryin to warn me that he didnt deserve it anyway!

    • Ambar
      March 20, 2013 at 11:19 am

      lmao I just laughed so hard I am crying while I read this. I actually had the same thing happen to me. I was with a boyfriend (ex now but at the time I had just gotten with him) and he had just moved into an apartment. He was still in the process of moving and I thought cool he will get all of this fixed up within a week or so. The only thing he had set up was the bed. So of course we are about to do our thing…I got my glasses off, getting good and nekkid when I look up and even with my blind eyes see a giant brown spot MOVING on the wall. I throw my glasses on, only to find one of those giant, fat roaches crawling around. I screamed my head off and he had the utter NERVE to say, “What is the big deal it is only a roach.” I looked at him like he just told me he likes to murder old grandmas. After I put my clothes on and yelled at him he finally killed the roach. After profusely apologizing, I came by three weeks later only to find he still hadn’t done much with the place and when I walk into the kitchen and decide to make a snack, I open the microwave only to see dead roaches INSIDE the damn thing and along the place where the door connects to the microwave. I was done right then and there. Had to leave homeboy alone after that.

  20. Amber N
    October 8, 2011 at 8:42 pm

    Okay, yes I am terribly afraid of them but I think I’ve got you beat Luvvie! A few Sundays ago I wake up early in the morning to use the bathroom, I close the door and a MOUSE comes out from where ever the hell he was hiding and I am TRAPPED in the bathroom with it for God knows how long! It took me years to get the courage to open the door because every time I would move IT would move, running and scurrying around the whole bathroom. I was literally shaking! I finally got the courage to open the door and run out of the bathroom. I moved out THAT DAY and did not set foot in that bathroom again, I had my roommate get my stuff out of the bathroom. IT WAS THAT SERIOUS!!!

  21. donell
    October 10, 2011 at 6:58 am

    oh the hilarity and entertainment value of this post and comments! fellas – print all of these out and leave them laying around the next time you see ur girl bobbing her head just a taaaad too strong to beyonce or badu…sanginbout – ‘call ur boy tyrone…cause errthang you own is in a box to the left…’

    mmm hmmm…aint nuttin like the creepy crawlies to cure a sista’s ack right juice deficiency!

    ps: real talk tho – sistas – unless yo man is straight thug killa fa life – we are just as discombobulated by pearl harbor bug attacks as ya’ll are. the *difference* tho – is that we gotta man up real quick about it and attack that bug like we all thug life 4eva ninjas.

    and yes – @chanel – if ur man bishes up for longer than like 2 seconds – he deservedly should get nathin…definitely no penetration.

    • Tamika
      October 12, 2011 at 4:21 pm

      X_X…
      Donell just sent me to the upper room, lol. I know one thing, this post got me fixin the hubs a special dinner. Although we don’t have roaches, we keeps a spider, and he is the King spider Killa in our house. Woot woot!

  22. October 19, 2011 at 8:11 pm

    I lived in an apt that had roaches! I live in the frozen north and this is not common in my neck of the woods! turns out someone brought a friend back from vaca and then forgot to put the potatoes and onions away! as soon as I found them crawling in the baby’s bed we moved so frickin’ fast!

  23. Chela
    October 20, 2011 at 1:52 am

    I am crying with laughter at these stories! But I can’t front. I burst out in tears at the sight of damn near any bug. No lie. Even the ones that people think are cute, like ladybugs and fireflies. o_O Except spiders. I go under the theory that “the enemy of my enemy is my friend.” I don’t have roaches (thank God), but I’m always afraid of something getting into the house. There is a can of Raid on EVERY floor of my house, one near any place I might be chilling. I’ve spent too much time being trapped somewhere because I ran from a bug and lost track of him. I feel your pain, believe me…

  24. […] mind me. I’m the same one who created an island of paralysis on my couch the night I saw one tiny roach in my apartment two week ago. At least he’s afraid of something that could technically bite him. […]

  25. Laik
    October 25, 2011 at 10:21 pm

    So lil wayne and flava flav are trying to disrepect your house? Don’t even trip. Go to the store and get some of that good Raid Bug Barrier and just spray down the perimeter. Then log onto e-trade and buy stock in Raid, because I am making their profits go up buying that stuff and spraying it allll over the inside and outside of my place…just in case. I live in the country and I can’t abide nature in my house. Plus the bottle for Bug Barrier is battery operated and makes a laser sound….it’ll make you feel a bit more powerful (like a starship trooper) if you have to face the bug menace again!!!

    • October 26, 2011 at 3:37 pm

      iHollered at Lil Wayne and Flava Flav. You right, doe.

  26. […] I have a HUGE fear of roaches. Remember the time I wrote a letter to the ONE roach that punked me in my house and made me build a Couch Fort because I didn’t want to face it? You don’t? Read the roach letter. […]

  27. Tbaby
    March 18, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    Hey Luvvie,

    Do you order things from Amazon a lot? I could swear they either come from the distribution center or the UPS truck.

  28. Ra
    March 18, 2013 at 2:59 pm

    I used to be scared of roaches… till I went to college in Savannah GA. When a roach looking superhero flies in the air, down into your sunroof, while you’re driving, into your cleavage, and you damn near have a MAJOR wreck, because you slaw your brakes on immediately, fling open the car door and run… while screaming and beating yourself up cause that damn thing is ON you somewhere, and you pretty much almost relieve yourself of your clothes… car running… in traffic….and you don’t give a ONE shit???? After that???

    Roaches can kiss my ass. Raid and a magazine, all I need in this life.

    • Elle
      March 18, 2013 at 3:13 pm

      I was reading shaking my head and reliving that entire scene in my head. Chile bless your heart I would have died chile

    • March 18, 2013 at 3:46 pm

      Why did I immediately start feeling something crawling on me as soon as I ready your story? Girl, I cry for you. A roach ON me? I die.

    • Mrs.McElroy
      July 11, 2013 at 1:06 am

      Oh…my…gawsh. I laughed soo damb hard at this post I believe I brokeded ma insides. I am unable to deal wit dese comments. I know I’m late responding but I couldn’t help it. Someone please tell my family I wuv dem. #DEAD

  29. Bebe
    March 18, 2013 at 5:14 pm

    I’m from San Francisco and have NO idea what a dang waterbug is, so I googled it and YUCK! By why did I find this on a website talking about the difference between the two, “Originally from tropical Africa, cockroaches are thought to have been brought to North America aboard slave ships.”

    Slave ships??? Black folks is the CLEANEST damm people I have ever seen!!!! I don’t ever see us on Hoarders and ish. Why it gotta be us bringing them over? Dayum.

  30. Amber
    March 18, 2013 at 6:22 pm

    My roach story stilll scares me to this day, I was at least 10 yrs old and staying with my grandma for the weekend and I had just gotten out of the shower when I saw something out of the corner of my eye (i’m slightly blind without my glasses) then it landed on my foot, I screamed and tried to open the door my hands were wet, so I couldn’t get out. So I finally get out and find the raid, but I couldn’t find the bug, the bug came out of nowhere (literally for my blind ass) and landed somewhere near my head, please believe I was fighting three air like Cuba Gooding Jr. in the end I won.

  31. Terri
    March 18, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    This post has me itching from head to toe!
    I was in California a few years ago and my best friend and I went to a not so great part of town to see some of her other friends. Its daylight when we go in, dark when we come out. I wear glasses and don’t have the best vision. So when I walked outside and thought I saw things moving on the sidewalk I thought surely my mind is playing tricks on me. I tell my girl, Do you see something moving on the ground. She goes, “OMG, those are roaches!!!” The BIGGEST roaches I have ever seen scurrying across the sidewalk like they own the place….and at that moment they did! There was no other way out so we proceeded to scream and run at full speed to get to the car. Roaches are OGs and iCannot deal!

  32. Liz
    March 19, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    I remember watching some E.R. show some years ago & a little boy was on there screaming for dear life cause he had a freaking roach stuck IN HIS EAR! I still go into convulsions thinking about that!

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