Dear Roach That Punked Me Last Night
I saw a roach in my apartment last night. And it punked me. So I decided to write it a sternly-worded letter.
You won this round. And might win the entire battle too. I’ve yet to come to terms with your presence in my crib. In fact, I might just let you have the place. I can’t deal.
Last night, when I heard little taps on my hardwood floor, I looked to the right and there you were going across my floor like you belonged there. And I screamed. Like a banshee. And hopped in the same spot over and over again. And screamed some more, repeating “OMG OMG OMG!!! THERE’S A ROACH! OMG!!!” I looked like a tweenager at a Jonas Brothers concert. I almost fainted. LAWD!
Where did you come from??? Are there more of you??? I don’t have dirty dishes in the sink. My garbage isn’t even full yet. And the place is clean. WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM?? LAWD I GOT SO MANY QUESTIONS! And no RAID spray in sight. This is NOT COOL.
I hopped on my couch and stayed there. I wondered how long I could survive on the Couch Island I created but that only lasted 50 minutes because I had to go pee. But listen roach. You can have this place. You win. I will break my lease and move for you. You and whatever cronies you have. You bastards can throw little roach parties here. I will find somewhere else to live because MY life ain’t gon be shared with no 45-legged critter who wants to ruin my night. Ok I know you only have like 8 leg but that’s 6 too many.
If my mama was here, she’d hunt you down and murk you entirely. This is why I wanna be like her when I grow up. She ain’t scared of you or your other raggelly kind. Yes, y’all are the thugs of the insect world. Hell, y’all are thugs of life in general. Y’all will outlive us all. BUT STILL… I want your life ended!
I’ont appreciate how you dropkicked ALL my strength to face obstacles and trials through the goalposts of life, y’all. I NEED TO LIVE AGAIN!!! *drops*
Jesus finally gave me the courage to get off the couch and live my life again. I ain’t gon be entirely punked by no roach (let’s ignore the fact that I actually cried real tears). I AIN’T GON BE NO BISH (in spite of the almost hour I spent sitting at the top of the couch so my feet wouldn’t touch the ground).
Next time I see you, I’ma be ready with RAID spray. COME AT ME, BRO! (No, please don’t come at me. I can’t handle all those legs).
Yours in Phobia-dom,
Are y’all as scared of roaches as I am? Have you ever been punked like I was last night?
Update: When I woke up, I found the roach legs up near the last place where I heard. DING DONG, THE WITCH IS DEAD! ROACHES ARE MY KRYPTONITE, Y’ALL! I lose all cool and couth. But this one died overnight. Prayer changes. I finally got courage to sweep it up after 3 hours. YES LAWD!!!