How To Survive Black Friday. Tip 1: Avoid WalMart
As folks know, I’m an avid shopper (read: shopaholic) and likes to dabble in sales from time-to-time (read: shops too much). So MY Superbowl equivalent is Black Friday, which is the day after Thanksgiving where stores everywhere have RIDICULOUS sales. Stores open at midnight or 4am and items are like a bajillion percent off! It’s a shopaholic’s wet dream. EVERYWHERE. In fact, stores have already released their sale papers for that day. I’ve drooled over a bunch of things already. I got my GOOD eye on what I want.
Sidenote: Black Friday is called that because during most of the year, retails’ stores accounting books and profits are negative (aka in the RED). This day is when they catch up and actually make some profit (aka get in the black). Or so I’ve heard.
Needless to say, I shall be partaking this year. So many discounts, so much to buy, not enough money. BUT because of the nature of the day, one needs a survival plan. Why do you ask? Well what other day of the year is every store doing stuff like 70% off items? People go NUTS. I’ve seent it. I’m here to help others help themselves through Black Friday so here are some tips:
* Don’t go to Walmart. This is the most important tip I can give you. DO NOT GO TO WALMART! People who go there are SO sincere about the sales that in past Black Fridays, folks have DIED. Yes… imagine you get to the Golden Gates of Glory and St. Peter’s ask you how you left this Earth. If your answer is “I got trampled at a sale at the Walmarts,” don’t be surprised if the archangels laugh at you. You followed the drinking gourd to your Lord because you were tryna get a refrigerator for the low. NAWL.
I mean it y’all. Don’t go there! The shoppers are CRAZY and they will get that specific item they want by all means necessary. Skip Walmart. Or order from their website. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. If you DO want to brave Walmart, bringing a helmet would be a good idea.
* Don’t go to an outlet mall at midnight. This is from past experience. Me and my girl Kindred took our raggelly behinds to an outlet mall on Black Friday. The mall was in the suburbs and would usually take us 40 minutes to get there. Because it was Black Friday, it took us 4 hours. FOUR! The expressway had cars back to back and we saw some people get out the car and walk (apparently it was that serious. O__O). Sooo… we pledged never again. We’ll wait til morning, thankyouverymurch.
* Make a list of what you want in advance. Check out all the sale papers (and apps) that have been released online. Figure out what stores you can’t miss and what you want. If you go in wandering into stores, you might get whiplash. It’s all SO MURCH!
* Let your kids stay home. Black Friday shopping is not for the faint of heart. It goes on for HOURS and HOURS! Don’t make your kids suffer with you. Let them sleep in and stay home. It’s for the greater good of both your kids and you. You don’t want to drag them everywhere. Besides, they’ll just slow you down. It’s also best that they don’t see you cussing out the lady who grabbed that 2nd shoe of the Prada pair that’s now $150 and you saw it first until that trifling hoe came and thought she was slick… wait… where was I? Yes. Let them stay home. They don’t need to see that ugly side of you that comes out when the phrases “clearance” and “80% off sale” are involved.
* Let your boo stay home if he wants to. Same as up top. He’ll judge your behavior and your purchases and won’t understand why you really NEED that cashmere sweater in burgundy. He’ll say you already have one in the same color and you’ll have to correct him and say that one is MAROON. Either way, who needs that? Let him stay home and go shopping with the girls.
* Pray that the good Lord gives you self-restraint because your wallet will be murked: You oughta pray and fast for 3 days and 3 nights on this one. Black Friday will render your account empty and echoing if you’re not careful. ALL those sales?? *rolls around on the floor* LAWDT! So yes, break out that holy water and wash your debit and credit cards in it because otherwise, you might find that you’ve spent your December rent money at Best Buy because you wanted that new laptop. And word on the street is that laptop boxes don’t provide adequate shelter from the cold.
But yes, I shall return on Monday. Hopefully, I won’t have lost my mind and spent all my AdSense monies on Black Friday. Group prayer MIGHT be needed on that one.
Anyone partaking in Black Friday madness? Whatcha doing in advance?
P.S. I’ll be posting shoe deals and sales on my shoe blog, so you shoeaholics can getchu some DOPE kicks for that low low!
P.P.S. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!