How To Survive Black Friday. Tip 1: Avoid WalMart

As folks know, I’m an avid shopper (read: shopaholic) and likes to dabble in sales from time-to-time (read: shops too much). So MY Superbowl equivalent is Black Friday, which is the day after Thanksgiving where stores everywhere have RIDICULOUS sales. Stores open at midnight or 4am and items are like a bajillion percent off! It’s a shopaholic’s wet dream. EVERYWHERE. In fact, stores have already released their sale papers for that day. I’ve drooled over a bunch of things already. I got my GOOD eye on what I want.

Sidenote: Black Friday is called that because during most of the year, retails’ stores accounting books and profits are negative (aka in the RED). This day is when they catch up and actually make some profit (aka get in the black). Or so I’ve heard.

Needless to say, I shall be partaking this year. So many discounts, so much to buy, not enough money. BUT because of the nature of the day, one needs a survival plan. Why do you ask? Well what other day of the year is every store doing stuff like 70% off items? People go NUTS. I’ve seent it. I’m here to help others help themselves through Black Friday so here are some tips:

* Don’t go to Walmart. This is the most important tip I can give you. DO NOT GO TO WALMART! People who go there are SO sincere about the sales that in past Black Fridays, folks have DIED. Yes… imagine you get to the Golden Gates of Glory and St. Peter’s ask you how you left this Earth. If your answer is “I got trampled at a sale at the Walmarts,” don’t be surprised if the archangels laugh at you. You followed the drinking gourd to your Lord because you were tryna get a refrigerator for the low. NAWL.

Black Friday Shoppers


I mean it y’all. Don’t go there! The shoppers are CRAZY and they will get that specific item they want by all means necessary. Skip Walmart. Or order from their website. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. If you DO want to brave Walmart, bringing a helmet would be a good idea.

* Don’t go to an outlet mall at midnight. This is from past experience. Me and my girl Kindred took our raggelly behinds to an outlet mall on Black Friday. The mall was in the suburbs and would usually take us 40 minutes to get there. Because it was Black Friday, it took us 4 hours. FOUR! The expressway had cars back to back and we saw some people get out the car and walk (apparently it was that serious. O__O). Sooo… we pledged never again. We’ll wait til morning, thankyouverymurch.

* Make a list of what you want in advance. Check out all the sale papers (and apps) that have been released online. Figure out what stores you can’t miss and what you want. If you go in wandering into stores, you might get whiplash. It’s all SO MURCH!

* Let your kids stay home. Black Friday shopping is not for the faint of heart. It goes on for HOURS and HOURS! Don’t make your kids suffer with you. Let them sleep in and stay home. It’s for the greater good of both your kids and you. You don’t want to drag them everywhere. Besides, they’ll just slow you down. It’s also best that they don’t see you cussing out the lady who grabbed that 2nd shoe of the Prada pair that’s now $150 and you saw it first until that trifling hoe came and thought she was slick… wait… where was I? Yes. Let them stay home. They don’t need to see that ugly side of you that comes out when the phrases “clearance” and “80% off sale” are involved.

* Let your boo stay home if he wants to. Same as up top. He’ll judge your behavior and your purchases and won’t understand why you really NEED that cashmere sweater in burgundy. He’ll say you already have one in the same color and you’ll have to correct him and say that one is MAROON. Either way, who needs that? Let him stay home and go shopping with the girls.

* Pray that the good Lord gives you self-restraint because your wallet will be murked: You oughta pray and fast for 3 days and 3 nights on this one. Black Friday will render your account empty and echoing if you’re not careful. ALL those sales?? *rolls around on the floor* LAWDT! So yes, break out that holy water and wash your debit and credit cards in it because otherwise, you might find that you’ve spent your December rent money at Best Buy because you wanted that new laptop. And word on the street is that laptop boxes don’t provide adequate shelter from the cold.

But yes, I shall return on Monday. Hopefully, I won’t have lost my mind and spent all my AdSense monies on Black Friday. Group prayer MIGHT be needed on that one.

Anyone partaking in Black Friday madness? Whatcha doing in advance?

P.S. I’ll be posting shoe deals and sales on my shoe blog, so you shoeaholics can getchu some DOPE kicks for that low low!


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  1. November 24, 2010 at 8:37 am

    WalMart got privy to whole folks dying for TVs…now they let everyone in in an orderly fashion starting at 2am but you cant check out until 6am for Black Friday deals… thats the devil….how angry will you be standing idly in line for 4 hours…with a heavy cart of wallet murking wonderfulness. Well…its a catch 22 but yo’ feet gon’ be mad at you. That being said…i’m going to WalMart at 3am…getting my Band Hero and my DVDs and getting UP OUT!!!

  2. TB_BT
    November 24, 2010 at 8:47 am

    I violated tip #1 AND #2 last year. I didn’t have a problem in my city. Part of me partakes in Black Friday to laugh at the people. Then I get home and razz them on Facebook. That makes my day. Last year it was about the drunk people at Kohl’s. One dude was so drunk, his family had to usher his behind to the car because they refused to have him in line cutting a fool. Or how about the woman standing outside in freezing temperatures at Kohl’s in shorts. I got her whole life story…She lived in Hawaii, but grew up in the Midwest. So I asked her…”Why come you didn’t know that this time of the year required something other than short?” Hmmm, perhaps I just need to stay away from Kohl’s.

    My biggest snafu of last year was getting so excited to run out of my car to get to the store, that I frgot to unbuckle my seat belt (multiple times). I almost choked myself to death. Not a good look.

    • Dr. Kiti
      November 24, 2010 at 5:24 pm

      Oh LAWDY LAWD!!! I was half drunk tryna shop last year. We almost had a code 10, man-down situation in Macy’s when I saw a girl I’d hated since we were in elementary standing too close to my mama! That’s why ALL my weaponry is staying at home this year. That’s just too much temptation.

  3. November 24, 2010 at 9:00 am

    oh my….well i lost my debit card in the shuffle last year!! le sigh….but that joint had my pic on it and was cancelled by the time i got home!! and i lost it after making my WalMart purchases…le sigh

  4. Ms. Heaven
    November 24, 2010 at 9:35 am

    In college I worked @ a sporting goods store. We opened @ 5am. I got there @ 4. Folks were ready to murk me for walking through the crowd & just walking up to the door. Bish I gots a key! I’m sposed to be in there! How you gone try to snatch me to the back of the line? The store manager heard the commotion & had to come outside to walk me into the store & save me from being stoned to death by angry shoppers eager to get a deal on a pair of Nikes.

  5. Kay
    November 24, 2010 at 9:45 am

    Lawd, I rebuke Black Friday….I just can’t and won’t with those fools..Cause I know how my mouth is on a regular day, just imagine on Black Friday!!! People will get cussed out for just looking at me…Naw, I’m good…

    • likeramona
      November 24, 2010 at 11:25 am

      this right here –> (Cause I know how my mouth is on a regular day, just imagine on Black Friday!!!) is the very reason i stay in my bed. i can just imagine my ignant arse goin to jail for a $4 zhuzhu pet that my lil princess just has to have…no ma’am!

  6. November 24, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    Chile, you forgot to mention that we had to CLIMB A FENCE to get in the outlet mall. *cackles* Never again.

    November 24, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    The best way to survive Black Friday I have found is to skip it altogether and partake in Cyber Monday!!! I have gotten some great deals from online shopping madness. But the only downside is you have to know your size and be ready to jump on that deal because putting an item in your cart doesn’t mean it’s yours until you have hit the purchase button.

  8. Dr. Kiti
    November 24, 2010 at 5:20 pm

    I’m on a hunt for a tv this year and I’m sending my husband out to get it (let HIM be the man) while I do the mall. We got a system. My mother is allowed to go only if she had good behavior all year and hasn’t acted ugly in public. However, she is NOT allowed to hit the Macy’s home department unchaperoned because she WILL spend all her hard earned money on stuff she already has. I will be putting a puppy harness on her back so that she stays close to me, I’ll have stacks of paper in my purse in case she has a hot flash and cant get to her fan fast enough and I promise to leave all my weaponry at home (Richmond, Ca is a dangerous place y’all, I’m sorry).

  9. November 24, 2010 at 11:58 pm

    * Don’t go to an outlet mall at midnight: Now you got me scuuured. I’m going to an outlet mall. 203 miles away. Normal drive is 3.5 hours. I’m sure it will take me 3.25 hours to get to the exit ramp and 3 hours to get off of it. Jesus be an empty bladder.

  10. November 26, 2010 at 7:06 am

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