Dear Antoine Dodson, I’m Not Mad At You But…

I realized that I had not written a sternly-worded letter in far too long. In fact, the last one I wrote was to Laurence Fishburne about his wayward daughter, Tana. 2 months ago. FAR TOO LONG! Today’s recipient is someone I was (and still am) cheering for, but may need to have a little seat.

Dear Antoine Dodson,

How you dewin? It seems pretty doggone great. I see that good things have happened to you since that unfortunate night when someone tried to rape your sister, Kelly. You were an urban superstar, saving her from the hands of a rapist and I STILL say kudos for your actions because they were brave. Then you told your story with such emotion and animation on the news, which then brought the world the “Bed Intruder Song” which I may or may not have downloaded as a ringtone. I even wrote this post about how I got Dodson Fever (because I did). I might have hit a coupla dougies from that song too. It went HARD. Still kinda does. I’m a fan of your Facebook page. Yeah… I’m a sucker for great stories.

You made enough money to move your family OUT the projects and into a safer place. And ended up on the BET Awards. Chile… I’m happy for you. Don’t e’em get me wrong not ONE bit. You’re a true rags-to-riches story. You seem genuinely nice and happy. However, I’m afraid you might be doing the most. Why do I say so?

Antoine Dodson Dog

See this here? They even got a dog rocking your costume.

Wells first of all, you have an Antoine Dodson Halloween costume, complete with a ratty wig, red bandanna and ashy black tank top. I didn’t raise my brows TOO much at it at first. Then I thought “Damb. People are really about to take this and run with it.” I’m truly afraid of the pics that will come from this Halloween of the thousands of Antoine Dodsons in the world, who will be wearing the costume to laugh AT you, instead of with. Then I saw this status on your Facebook fan page and went *deep sigh.*

Antoine Dodson on Facebook


Now, you’re the pitchman for a sex offender tracking app for iPhones and Androids? And you’re wearing the red bandana and black tank top still?? *deep sigh* I’m not hating on the fact that you’re the face of a sex offender tracker app. In fact, it makes perfect business and marketing sense. But did you have to put on that tank top and red bandana again? Is your whole persona about to be tied to that getup? Come on, Twan! You’re more than a tank top and raggelly bandana.

Antoine Dodson Sex Offender Tracking App

Umm... was the lean necessary though? And the get up? Did they tell you to swerve your neck with extra sass? Oh ok. And I'm mad they put a red bandana on the iPhone on the commercial.

They’ve (who THEY is = everybody) turned you into a caricature of yourself, and you’ve let them. It’s something I honestly didn’t think was possible. That’s like turning the Cat in the Hat into more of a cartoon. “They just tryna use you, Almondt!” *Name that reference and get 500 cool points*

Make that money. Twan Twan, I ain’t mad at you for stretching these 15 mins of fame to 16.5. But the less shucking and jiving they make you do, the better. I’m just saying.

Yours in Looking Out,

P.S. Watch your money and getchu a lawyer and accountant to do your taxes. We don’t want the IRS coming to snatch your hairhat in a coupla years. And don’t spend all your money on random stuff. Getchu a financial manager. I want GOOD things for you. OK? *hugs*

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  1. October 28, 2010 at 9:14 am

    Ah dayum,if I see someone dressed like this fool …I guess I will be a bobble head cause I’ll be shaking it all damn night.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate

    • October 28, 2010 at 10:31 pm

      LOL! Prepare yourself. There’ll be many.

  2. October 28, 2010 at 9:20 am

    The commercial…HATED IT! However, his lips are glossy!

    What does Kelly have to say about alluh this?

    • October 28, 2010 at 10:31 pm

      Girl who knows? We haven’t heard from Kelly since that first interview.

  3. Capricorn
    October 28, 2010 at 9:45 am

    Nothing. Kelly is cashing her check just like Toine is. What’s up with the would-be rapist, is my question.

    And yes, Antoine, please sitchoazzdown.

    • SweetTee
      October 28, 2010 at 10:57 am

      Isn’t it amazing how everyone has forgotten all about that dude?

      What started off as Antoine’s frustrated response to the non-responsiveness of the authorities has completely spawned into a jokey joke at the expense of a young black woman’s safety and well-being. I wouldn’t be surprised if the attempted rapist is sitting at home thinking of his YouTube reply so he can start cashin in…(i’m just sayin…don’t rule it out)

    • October 28, 2010 at 10:31 pm

      That damb rapist ain’t nobody caught yet. I hope they get him!

  4. SweetTee
    October 28, 2010 at 10:49 am

    Let’s go down the list, shall we? We have-

    1) Song and Video (check)

    2) Wig and costumes for humans and pets(check)

    3) Dolls

    4) Random appearance and TV shows. I’m just waitin for VH-1 to give him a reality show along with the Basketball wives or that other show with Real and Chance (I know, I should be a damn shame of myself for even knowing who they are)

    What will be number 5?

    I’m thinking the next trick turned will be a board game!

    Let’s think of some game objectives and titles?

    • NY2VA
      October 28, 2010 at 11:07 am

      The object of the game will be to work your way around the game board hidin yo wife, kids, and husbands in an attempt to keep them from being “snatched up.” The Starting point will be Lincoln Park and the finish line will be “out the projects.”

      • SweetTee
        October 28, 2010 at 2:15 pm

        ROTH(3X)LMBAO(Literally)! I wish you all could see the side eyes I’m getting from my co-workers as to why I’m laughing so hard!

        OMFG someone call Mattel, Hasbro and Warner Brothers right now and pitch this!

        That is the game right there!

        Now we just need to figure out the game pieces:

        A bush

        A red bandana (your mama’s old runny stocks with the crotch area cutt off or 10 year old doo-rags can be acceptable substitutes)

        A white reporter

        A protools machine(I call dibs on that one)

        Am I missing anything?

        • NY2VA
          October 28, 2010 at 6:40 pm

          A hot comb.

        • SweetTee
          October 29, 2010 at 11:07 am

          And we not talking those electric hot combs that you plug into an outlet either. We are talking the ones that your mama used and her mama used and her mama before her used (cuz you don’t eva through out a hot comb)to heat up on the stove. When the acrid smell of burnt hair and Blue Magic Grease permeates the entire house, you know it ready for use! I won’t lie, the memories of getting my hair pressed as a little girl is enough to send me to a therapist right now!

        • October 28, 2010 at 10:52 pm

          Nope. This is pretty comprehensive. lol

      • October 28, 2010 at 10:33 pm

        *dead and ALLA way GONE* You better hit Mattel up to make this game happen. You don gave them premise and mission and ERRTHANG.

    • October 28, 2010 at 12:58 pm

      I’m pretty sure he’s gonna open a restaurant called Antoine’s that serves gourmet soul food with gimmicky names.

      • SweetTee
        October 28, 2010 at 2:27 pm

        That’s right, if we are going to turn this into a franchise, we have to include a chain of chicken and rib joints. Hey, if you are going to exploit a situation, leave no opportunity behind!

        What would be on the menu?

        The RunTellDat made with Red flavored kool-aid and Night Train (if you want a more classy drink, mix with Hypnotiq instead)

        Any ideas on the appetizers? Main Course?

        • NY2VA
          October 28, 2010 at 6:39 pm

          “The RunTellDat made with Red flavored kool-aid and Night Train (if you want a more classy drink, mix with Hypnotiq instead)”

          Oh you fancy huh?

        • SweetTee
          October 29, 2010 at 10:59 am

          Damn straight! The version with night train will get served in a Red Solo plastic cup while the version with Hypnotiq will be served in those plastic champaigne glasses people like to pull out for New Years Eve. Because we all know that champaigne glasses makes everything more classy by at least 75% (don’t make me find the science to prove this!)

          They will be prechilled for you drinking pleasure! Hey, at $10.00 a pop, I got to give you your money’s worth, right?

          *Takes sip from champaigne plastic glass with my pinky up and out because I keep it classy!

      • October 28, 2010 at 10:34 pm

        Lawd hold my meal plate. People will frequent this spot too.

        • SweetTee
          October 29, 2010 at 11:01 am

          You know you got a standing reservation at his joint? Please, as much as you stan for Antoinne! There will be no 45 minute wait for you.

      • October 29, 2010 at 10:30 am

        LOL, yes.

        “You Are Dumb, You are really Dumb For Real” oatmeal and ish…

        • SweetTee
          October 29, 2010 at 11:11 am

          LOL! with the “ish” part being some dried up raisin left in the the bottom corner of an unfinished box of SunMaid raisin or some rock hard brown sugar that has been in the kitchen cabinet for about 15 years (mama don’t want to throw it out because she never knows when she’ll need some).

          Don’t forget to add the entire stick of butter (cuz better makes everything tastes better)…

    • October 28, 2010 at 10:32 pm

      LAWDDDD!!! Not the countdown. And ooo a Dodson board game. I might play it at someone else’s house. O__O

  5. October 28, 2010 at 11:24 am

    DEAD @ NY2VA’s comment. The starting point is Lincoln Park……iCant.

  6. NY2VA
    October 28, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    And the artwork will be done by the folks who brought us “The Proud Family.” Can’t you just see their artistic rendering of Mr. Antoine right now?

    • SweetTee
      October 28, 2010 at 2:29 pm

      Proud Family, I got one better, let’s get the people who drew BeBe’s kids (yeah, I just dated myself so you can RunTellDat!)

      • October 28, 2010 at 10:54 pm

        OMG! I LOVED Bebe’s Kids. “We don’t die. We multiply.” YESSSS!

    • October 28, 2010 at 10:34 pm

      LMAO!!! Omg they gon draw Antoine to look like one of the Gross Sisters. All blue and whatnot. iCANNOT!

  7. October 28, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    Yes Antoine is definitely doing the most right now. He seems to have confused making money with making a mockery of himself.

    I’d never seen the costumes (should’ve known they’d be coming soon) and I’m slowly dying over the dog one pictured above. That’s a hot a$$ mess.

    Antoine needs to get it together, the minstrel show is getting old.

    • October 28, 2010 at 10:36 pm

      That dog wearing the costume is all types of outta order. It’s all pitiful looking. WOMPERS!

  8. MsMelissa!
    October 28, 2010 at 8:26 pm

    I’ve decided that I am going to dress lke Antoine tomorrow for Halloween @ work. In the spirit of all things hood I am gong to make my own bootleg costume and use my jobs printer to make a sign that says “Hide yo kids Hide yo wife!” on one side and “Run tell dat” on the other….

    ~~~~I am so serious~~~~

    I’m having a bad hair week anyway so ths is my excuse to wear a scarf to work!

    • October 28, 2010 at 11:03 pm

      iRebuke this. O__O

  9. Hollatyogirl
    October 29, 2010 at 10:24 am

    The Almond reference is from Martin. “You’s a tough piece of leather, but you so well put together.”

    *Takes a bow* Thank you. Thank you.

    Sadly, Im extremely proud that I know that.

    • ChiChi
      November 11, 2010 at 12:48 pm

      I was just about to say! Baby, I’m a Grade A Certified #MartinStan

      I love that character, too! LOL

  10. bogart4017
    November 16, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    Now this is what you call riding the wagon till the wheels fall off!

  11. […] Related posts:Dear Antoine Dodson, I’M Not Mad At You But… […]

  12. January 29, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    The less shucking and jiving you do to stretch out your 15 minutes of fame the better. Well said! Thank you for your sternly written letter. I love it!

    • January 31, 2011 at 12:44 am

      You’s welcome! That’s what I’s here for. lol

  13. July 6, 2011 at 9:45 pm

    I wonder if it’s going to b true? Could THE Donald going to go for president? He would get a bunch of support!