AwardsTV and Movies

The 2009 MTV Movie Awards was a Fail

Y’all already know what time it is. AWARDS SHOW REVIEW TIME!! *crowd goes wild* (and by “crowd”, I mean “no one”). The victim is the MTV Movie Awards, which isn’t known to be the best, despite MTV’s lax standards of etiquette. Anywho, I live-tweeted the show, and my followers were kept company with my running commentary. Tis my outline.

I was gonna do a highlights/lowlights recap but seeing as how the whole show was a lowlight, I will just do chronological order.

So anyway, ONWARD…

First, I was getting off the high of watching “The Hills” season finale so my mood was elevated. The MTV Movie Awards began with an opening sequence that had Andy Sandberg, the host, dropping in on the different movies that have been popular this year. His “Slumdog Millionaire” cameo left him covered in feces, and it was THAT point that I knew this would not end well. He stopped through “Twilight” and “Star Trek” too and somehow ended up naked. This carried through to where he was in a limo with Justin Timberlake. As he exited, his Mr. Bojangles ended up in JT’s face. Who’da thunk that this was foreshadowing what would be the best/worst moment of the night?

* Why did Andy Sandberg have his stand up begin with fart jokes? Your name is NOT Rob Schneider. Who does fart jokes (especially off the bat)?

* Why did Ashley Tisdale have on Wedged Air Christs? They did nothing to flatter her legs. She came onstage to accept her award and I couldn’t stop wondering what were on her feets.

* Why did Megan Fox’s extra stern ponytail make her look like an extra from “iRobot”? Her forehead was TIGHT!

* Could Shia LeBouf’s pants get any tighter? Homeboy was rocking denim leggings and looked like he was breathing in short spurts.

* You know I heart Taraji right? Why was you hollering when introducing Eminem? Was she tryna make up for the fact that no one else was that excited? Just wondering…

* Why did Eminem look all emaciated and gaunt? Homeboy looked like he needed Sally Struthers to plead on his behalf. Why was I so unmoved to see Eminem? Oh yes. It’s 2009, not 2003.

* Why did I cackle so loudly when I saw Will Ferrell (as Neil Diamond) rocking that red sequined jumpsuit? That was THE highlight of the entire show in my book. He had on a House of Dereon Fall 2010 Men’s Collection Prototype. Btw, I LOVE Will Ferrell, and wished he would have hosted the show. The dude wakes up and pissed funny (and of course, excellence).

This was also the only amusing part of the show. Their song called “Cool Guys Don’t Look at Explosions” was hilarious.

* Why does Robert Whathisface from “Twilight” get hyped up as being so fine? Dude looks like post-mortem and perpetual shock. Plus, his arrogance whenever he came on that stage just about made my eyes twitch. Him and his socket surprise hair need to go sat down.

Then came THE BEST/WORST moment of the night.

* Why did Bruno Mars land ass UP into Eminem’s lap? His sausage and eggs was all in Em’s face. All types of uncouth. I was at home cringing as I watched it. Who wants to see a grown man with his butt in someone else’s face like that? Em’s team wanted to go IN on Bruno. If this moment wasn’t planned, then F Eminem’s life for being desperate enough for attention to go along with it. If it WASN’T planned, then F MTV’s life for thinking it would be a good idea. UGH. MTV should fire everyone that had a part to play in that. Em and his crew ended up walking away in a huff and a puff.

* Why was there a medley of Andy Sandberg’s random songs from Saturday Night Live? LeeAnn Rimes, A Dude I forget, and Forrest Whitaker did opera versions of “Jizz in my Pants” and “Dick in a Box.” Rewind. Forrest Whitaker?? How did his agent allow him to partake in that foolishness. He shoulda slapped someone with his Oscar at the suggestion. I was like WTF?

* Why was there so much cussing? First, some dude said “Dick” and it wasn’t censored. Then came the “WTF Award”, and every other word being spoken by the presenters was bleeped out. At one point, my ears started ringing from all the bleeps. I didn’t know I was gonna be watching “The Osbournes”.

* Why did Miley Cyrus rock a dress that blended in with her skin? Jeebs be some color contrast for her. Thought she was naked and had some loose skin. TURRBLE! Plus, why was she hollering?

* Why was Zac Efron’s hair swooped 47 degrees to the left and covering his eyes? How’s he gon be swagger jacking Aaliyah? *HEATED* Him and that WRAP of his that would make the editors of “Black Hair” sooo proud need to stop.

* Why did “Twilight” win fifty-eleven awards? Was it really that good? Or did the power of the tweenager carry it?

* Why does Denzel Washington STILL make me think thoughts that would make Mary Magdalene blush? SHEESH! On the sabbath too??

*Why did MTV take 2 hours of my life I can’t ever get back? I can’t even get store credit. I should have tuned out to better things like watching my toenails grow.

There was no rhyme or reason to a lot of the ish on the Awards show. Jeebs be some new writers for MTV because all their current ones need to be handed pink slips unceremoniously. Either that or they need to send that bunch to Remedial Comedy 101. Shoot, do they need ME on their team? I could roast til the cows come home (or until Lil Wayne takes a shower. Whichever comes first).

To ALL of this, I say to MTV…

This show was an EPIC FAIL and MTV doesn’t even get an E for effort.

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  1. Skip Serpico
    June 1, 2009 at 3:08 am

    Thanks for the recap. I haven’t watched one of these in years and you’ve perfectly illustrated why.

    There is way too much car waxing going on and in it’s own way it’s as overblown as the Oscars.

    Thank you for wasting your time so I didn’t have to.

  2. JunePearl
    June 1, 2009 at 8:23 am

    You still watch MTV?

    LOL, shoot girl, I think one of the reasons I didn’t bother watching it was because I knew you were probably gonna do a recap. Thanks, lol!

    Oh, and um, Zack as Aaliyah 2.0 is hilarious!!! Makes me wanna watch just to see what his hair looked like. Oh, and it is ever so precious that Disney kids are trying to transition to MTV crowd. Ever so precious.

  3. ChiChi
    June 1, 2009 at 8:33 am

    I heard Twilight sucked ass AND monkey balls, so it musta been the power of the tweenager.

  4. Shawnta`
    June 1, 2009 at 10:21 am

    Thanks for the recap. I did not watch these awards but was getting tweets from people as they watched (including yours). I'm glad to read that it doesn't look like I missed much. I wouldn't have minded seeing Denzel but since he has a new film with Travolta coming out, I'm sure I'll see plenty of him in upcoming weeks. A lot of the tweets were giving his daugther, Olivia, a hard time about her hair. I thought that was funny because although I couldn't see it, I pictured it from their criticisms. The whole thing with Eminem…has it been determined whether it was staged or not? I read that he had a mic on & since people usually don't have mics on while sitting in the audience, I think it was staged but from the clip I've seen, he looked pissed for real…so maybe it was staged but went awry.

  5. Shawnta`
    June 1, 2009 at 10:22 am

    It’s funny because I heard nothing about Forest Whitaker until I read your post…craziness. How did the Last King of Scotland end up with that gig is right. 🙂

  6. TheBeez
    June 1, 2009 at 11:39 am

    Your post makes me realize how much I’m NOT missing by just using my “convertable box” when I have the urge to watch something on the TV square.

    “*Why does Robert Whathisface from “Twilight” get hyped up as being so fine? “

    Because he’s Cedric Diggory. Everybody loves him, Luvvie. His existence lives on in all of us! 🙂

  7. Lite Bread
    June 1, 2009 at 1:38 pm

    This stuff makes me feel so OLD. I hardly knew MTV even existed anymore.
    To think, I can remember when MTV played, like, music. Was “present” when MTV helped blow Rap mainstream (i.e. white kids who couldn’t find Compton on a map started buying the stuff) with RUN/DMC & Aerosmith – “Walk This Way”.
    Remember the “controversy” on the first time they aired an MJ (no, not His Greatness, with all that NBA hardware, but the freakin’-weird white guy with the black family) music video. And the “Thriller” premier.
    Little could the conscious mind ever have imagined the deeps that would be plumbed by this in future years…
    Now, you Awesomelyness get to pay for my “Off Time” from work, as complete Retinal Detachment happened the second I scrolled down and saw the digital image of M&M (with no nuts, ‘cause he ain’t got any. Heck, I got more street cred than that weezer) and dudes butt wear “Dick In a Sling” …
    Good thing this here keyboards got Braille on it, ‘cause I’m blind after that.

    PS, you got those iCANT shirts in something I could wear? I generally don’t wear stuff that’s tapered/waisted and got Darts in the chest area. Unless you doin’ the Miss Honey …

  8. LadyRn
    June 1, 2009 at 11:26 pm

    No man deserves to be Adebisi'ed in the face like Eminem did.

    ^^^ that right there … and this right here….

    *Why was Zac Efron's hair swooped 47 degrees to the left & covering his eyes? How's he gon be swagger jacking Aaliyah?

    brought me straight outta lurk status..!!!
    whooooweeee Zac know he can wear a swoop better than me..!!

  9. Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts
    June 2, 2009 at 9:26 am

    I didn’t watch the awards show but I kept hearing about (and seeing) the “Bruno” and Eminem “incident”. That was some funny shigity.

  10. amymay
    June 2, 2009 at 5:11 pm

    LadyRn…. are you perchance a NURSE!! OMG!! Luvvie, a potential recruit to the Red Pump ranks out of lurkerdom…. Oh, I hope you’re a nurse, I hope you’re a nurse!

    What grade were you in when MTV dropped? Methinks you have conscious memories of the 80’s as well!

  11. Mar
    June 3, 2009 at 12:58 pm

    Eminem and Bruno was rehearsed. Yeah right. This is just an attempt for the media to save Eminem's humiliation and notoriety. I don't believe Eminem had any idea that Sasha Cohen was going to descend on him like that. He was humiliated b/c he wants to be seen as the ultimate bad ass who can take care of his. Yeah right. He's not fooling me, why can't he just be a man and accept the fact that he didn't know how to handle the situation with Cohen? Of course he didn't attack Cohen, Eminem couldn't beat up a 10 year old boy! He was finally caught at his most real persona, and that's of a wuss trying to look bad on the exterior.