You Know What Grinds My Gears?

“You know what really grinds my gears? Nobody’s come up with a new priest and a rabbi joke in like 30 years. I mean, okay, ah, umm. Priest and a rabbi go, go onto the supermarket, and, uh, the priest wants to buy a ham. And the rabbi says, “Ah, I can’t eat it. It’s forbidden.” Couldn’t eat it. Not allowed, pigs are like superheroes to them. Is it perfect? No, but I don’t see you coming up with anything. And that people is what grinds my gears.” – Peter Griffin

As you all know, I am easily annoyed by foolishness, which is why I never have a shortness of things that GRINDS MY GEARS!! I have not done one of these in a bit, but you can check out my old “Things that Grind my Gears” series.

* People that list on their online profiles that their favorite books are “The Bible & The Sex Chronicles” – How can you type that out without giving yourself a major side-eye? I mean REALLY in the same sentence and breath? How are you going to be quoting the book of Job in one breath, and reading about blow jobs on the other? NOT whats hot in the streets or frigid in the gutter. It is an oxymoron, and you definitely need a gang of people (maybe that Priest and Rabbi?).

* People who wear sunglasses at night – You are not COOL for doing this. You actually look blind. Why would you wear blu-blockers after 8pm (4pm in winter) knowing DAMN well you can’t see ish? Every time I go clubbing, I see at least 5 offenders and I secretly hope they run into a wall.

* The phrase “No homo” – It is indeed the dumbest phrase. Your attempt at making sure folks don’t think there’s an extra edge to your statement is ridiculous. Why are you so pressed to let folks know you aren’t gay? People use it at the end of all their sentences now, whether it is even remotely necessary or not. I hate when I hear ish like “Man, I like watermelon. No Homo.” Me: “WTF?? How is that even relevant?? Go SAT DOWN.” I think I’mo start putting “Completely unhetero” on my statements just to be an ass.

* P3OPl3 whO wr1T3 LiK3 ThI5 – TypoCOP (my superhero English professor alter ego) weeps every time I see this. I am not sure of its purpose but it is hella obnoxious. The tweens started this net speak, but I’ve seen grown people write whole paragraphs (or even emails) that look like this, and nothing grinds my gears more. Someone on my friend’s list on Facebook AlwAy5 wr1t3s her stAtu5e5 like that, and I am so tempted to defriend her. SO tempted.

In fact, all of these offenses make me re-evaluate certain associations and acquaintances. Actual people I call friends would not do any of these, and if they did, they would be pulled aside and given a STERN lecture on the error of their ways. If things don’t change, I will walk 5 feet from that person so folks don’t think we are affiliated.

And THOSE, are some things that GRINDS MY GEARS!

Back to you, Tom…