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You Know What Grinds My Gears?

Grinds my gears

“You know what really grinds my gears? Nobody’s come up with a new priest and a rabbi joke in like 30 years. I mean, okay, ah, umm. Priest and a rabbi go, go onto the supermarket, and, uh, the priest wants to buy a ham. And the rabbi says, “Ah, I can’t eat it. It’s forbidden.” Couldn’t eat it. Not allowed, pigs are like superheroes to them. Is it perfect? No, but I don’t see you coming up with anything. And that people is what grinds my gears.” – Peter Griffin

As you all know, I am easily annoyed by foolishness, which is why I never have a shortness of things that GRINDS MY GEARS!! I have not done one of these in a bit, but you can check out my old “Things that Grind my Gears” series.

People that list on their online profiles that their favorite books are “The Bible & The Sex Chronicles” – How can you type that out without giving yourself a major side-eye? I mean REALLY in the same sentence and breath? How are you going to be quoting the book of Job in one breath, and reading about blow jobs on the other? NOT whats hot in the streets or frigid in the gutter. It is an oxymoron, and you definitely need a gang of people (maybe that Priest and Rabbi?).

People who wear sunglasses at night – You are not COOL for doing this. You actually look blind. Why would you wear blu-blockers after 8pm (4pm in winter) knowing DAMN well you can’t see ish? Every time I go clubbing, I see at least 5 offenders and I secretly hope they run into a wall.

* The phrase “No homo” It is indeed the dumbest phrase. Your attempt at making sure folks don’t think there’s an extra edge to your statement is ridiculous. Why are you so pressed to let folks know you aren’t gay? People use it at the end of all their sentences now, whether it is even remotely necessary or not. I hate when I hear ish like “Man, I like watermelon. No Homo.” Me: “WTF?? How is that even relevant?? Go SAT DOWN.” I think I’mo start putting “Completely unhetero” on my statements just to be an ass.

P3OPl3 whO wr1T3 LiK3 ThI5 – TypoCOP (my superhero English professor alter ego) weeps every time I see this. I am not sure of its purpose but it is hella obnoxious. The tweens started this net speak, but I’ve seen grown people write whole paragraphs (or even emails) that look like this, and nothing grinds my gears more. Someone on my friend’s list on Facebook AlwAy5 wr1t3s her stAtu5e5 like that, and I am so tempted to defriend her. SO tempted.

In fact, all of these offenses make me re-evaluate certain associations and acquaintances. Actual people I call friends would not do any of these, and if they did, they would be pulled aside and given a STERN lecture on the error of their ways. If things don’t change, I will walk 5 feet from that person so folks don’t think we are affiliated.

And THOSE, are some things that GRINDS MY GEARS!

Back to you, Tom…

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8 Comments

  1. KD
    October 10, 2008 at 9:15 am

    First let me say that Family Guy is just an awesome a$$ show!

    I usually say "All Hetero" or "No Lesbo" because I'm ignant like that.

    And I hate internet typing gibberish. It makes my eyes hurt. Who told people that numbers replaces letters. That's only acceptable on license plates…and the number betta be at the end of Jesse White is gonna tell you to try another suggestion. That's my rant for this 10th day of the 10th month of the 8th year of this 21st century. Ho11a (<—-just cuz I'm ignant)!!! lol

  2. amindinmotown
    October 10, 2008 at 9:21 am

    I hate when people type like that! Actually, I sort of hate when people type any way but the ONE correct way.

    Friends who text me with “wats up” drive me bonkers, especially when they all-too-often follow with “u.” I was an English major. People should know better… Ha.

    Love your blog, and definitely look forward to more rants!

  3. NaturallyAlise
    October 10, 2008 at 12:29 pm

    “P3OPl3 whO wr1T3 LiK3 ThI5”

    Grrrrrrrr…. double grrrrrrrr. I abhor that mess.

    Th0$e f0lk$ need 2 [email protected] there [email protected] a$$e$ 2
    sk00l e-meejitly

    *all typos,letter substitution, and incorrect uses of there were brought to you by the letter @*

  4. J.R. Bernard
    October 10, 2008 at 2:06 pm

    I think we all know church folk that do the first bullet-point. Shame.

  5. suga
    October 10, 2008 at 7:23 pm

    Kudos to #4. People who type all crazy like that, should not be allowed to have fingers.

  6. LJ
    October 10, 2008 at 7:26 pm

    Yes I totally agree with number 4 so annoying!

    I LOVE PETER GRIFFIN!

  7. Monk
    October 11, 2008 at 1:18 am

    The sunglasses at night or in the club gets me every time. One of these days, I plan on just completely fall out laughing and pointing like it actually is the most hilarious thing I’ve ever witnessed. I’ll embarrass myself for the sake of embarrassing them with hopes that they will feel compelled to stop the foolishness.

  8. Nameless Blogger
    October 12, 2008 at 12:14 pm

    You said a mouth full. book of job and blow jobs, all in the same breath. side eye is right.