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About the Weary Weaponizing of White Women Tears

Picture it: a white woman feels challenged or uncomfortable about something a Black person said or did. Instead of using her words, she cries. Instantly, no matter what the initial catalyst of the situation is, she ends up being appeased, pacified and pampered. Lawd knows we’ve all seen virtual white woman tears shut down conversation, even if she was the instigator of conflict. The other person? Ends up being scolded. Or fired. Or arrested. Or killed. When Lorelei cries, heads roll.

Isn’t it the story of countless Black folks who have to work with white women who don’t know how to get anything but positive feedback? Isn’t it the story of why 2 men got arrested for standing in Starbucks? Isn’t it the story of Emmett Till?

White women tears are especially potent and extra salty because they are attached to the symbol of femininity. These tears are pouring out from the eyes of the one chosen to be the prototype of womanhood; the woman who has been painted as helpless against the whims of the world. The one who gets the most protection in a world that does a shitty job overall of cherishing women. The mothers, sisters, daughters and aunties of the world’s biggest bullies (white men). But the truth is, white women have been bullies themselves because they’ve been the shadows behind the white men who get all the blame. They have been doing much of the subjugation in white supremacy without any of the accountability, because: innocent white woman is a caricature many have chosen to embrace, even subconsciously. Why? Because it shields them from consequences. We talk about toxic masculinity but there is toxicity in wielding femininity in this way.

The Damsel in Distress reveling is real. Alice drowned people in Wonderland with her tears. Helen of Troy started a war. Miss Millie ain’t let Miss Sophia go home for Christmas.

alice in wonderland tears

White people will never have to deal with the fact that their skin is considered a weapon but they use their skins as ammunition by using all the privileges that come with it to terrorize the world. White women use their tears as pity me bombs all the time and it often instigates Black people being punished.

Last night, Shay Stewart Bouley (aka Black Girl in Maine) did a Twitter thread about this topic, and it is really what prompted me to write this piece. She then turned it into a longer post on her blog, called Weapon of lass destruction: The tears of a white woman. Do yourself a favor and read it. Here is the first of her many tweets on this topic:

I have an acute realization that I’m SUPPOSED to work for myself. Why? Because I realize I don’t have the tools to work within a corporate environment. Hearing the stories (daily) about what Black people deal with, with their white coworkers. They gotta do their jobs AND make sure they are not offending tender sensibilities.

It infuriates me. I would absolutely get an annual review that I was “aggressive.” I would get fired, and I know this. Because I would not be able to hold my tongue every day when I get the white women tears in response to something direct I say. So I am saluting those of you who have to deal with this every day. I see you. You are superheros.

I posted this on my social and Black women’s comments of their experiences being on the opposite side of white women tears were infuriating to read, because this is real.

TP: My son was in Pre-K and another child got upset and hit and kicked him. He told me on the way home and I called up to the school and said tomorrow morning I wanted the president, the teacher, the teacher’s aide and the boy’s mother in the office to meet with me. The moment I walked into the door, the mother approaches me and broke down into tears. I never said one word as she gave a long speech about how her sons rough house a lot at home. At the end of her speech, I simply said, “what you do at home is your business but your baby needs to keep his hands off of mine.” Later that day, I found out that my husband works with her. He told me she came to work late (because she was being comforted for about an hour by the school President and teacher) and went to my husband and said, “your wife almost kicked my ass this morning”. *Blank stare* umm when and where? We don’t believe in violence in my household, I don’t even spank my child, I’ve never thrown a punch or received one. His response to her, “umm okay”.

KW: My God. This. White women tears = cancellation of my WoC feelings and my valid voice screaming into a void.

GD: I’m seriously having flashbacks to a co-worker that almost got me fired because I didn’t want her petting my afro-puffs; the tears, oh the tears she shed because I told her I wasn’t her pet. This was almost 20 years ago.

MR: I was a young girl, got fired from my first job because a white girl cursed ME out. By the time the boss came out she was crying and he let me go. I didn’t know how to defend or protect myself when I was seen as the aggressor. And frankly speaking the shit creeped me out and I think somehow they convinced me that my posture, or something made her cry. Hadn’t thought about it until now.

VK: Two years ago, I was barked on by a [bipolar] white woman at my job. I barked right back on her. She ran crying to a supervisor. Somehow I was called to meet with the only Black supervisor at my job. That heifer had the nerve to DEFEND the white woman’s tears. I no longer give a single f**k about any of their feelings. I call things as they are and keep it moving. They are not the end all and be all of my existence.

gif of assorted white women tears

MH: It’s for this same reason that I’m leaving my job. The “tears” of whypipo have got me fed up. I look at them and question their real intent of moving here to Abuja to teach.

NP: I ended a friendship during my Peace Corps service over white women tears. I never looked back.

AS: As I was reading this thread, I was having little epiphanic moments and it dawned on me that this is why I have such a hard time at my current job. I didn’t want to go to HR about some white woman making racist and anti-Semitic comments because of her tears. And I didn’t feel comfortable taking it to HR because the HR is another white woman with tears. I don’t speak up in meetings -even when I’m 110% right- because of white women and their tears. I get chastised all the time over Lisa and Linda and Kayla and Amanda and whatever other white women’s feelings I hurt that day by not putting up with their bullshit. And I had the same problem in the military. There was never a problem in the office for the WoC unless a white woman was involved.

JLP: I had this same experience years ago. I went to HR about three white women that were making my life miserable. I know for a fact that at least one made a racist comment. Instead of HR handling the situation I was told that I need to go out of my way to be friends with them. Now, I’m a very friendly, polite person so I always at least acknowledge people, even when I don’t like them. That wasn’t enough. I was told that I should go to their offices during the day and spark up conversation. My horrid manager even put in my mid-year review that I need to work on socializing with these particular women.

KGM: *Because in every other circumstance, victims of psychological and emotional abuse are ALWAYS taught to appease their abusers*  ???? ???? ????Oh wait! No they’re not! The globe stops spinning for a white woman in an abusive situation, be it domestic/academic/professional landscape. You’re in the wrong skin for that protocol & protection, it seems. #HRappeasingtheabusers #AbusedVictimsshouldjusttryhardertogetalong MISS ME WITH THIS!

AG: Had to start a whole new career & almost lost my sanity behind white women tears. Took years of work & an old school friend who just would not let go to give up the bitterness before it consumed me.

LW: At an early position in my career I would see how they could cry in a meeting and immediately get their way, truly baffling, and no way could or would black women do that.

gif of white woman crying

KH: I used to work for a local govt magistrate court that handled evictions, small claims, etc. One day during an eviction proceeding, the petite, blond woman who was a property manager burst into tears bc she was “afraid” of the tenant, a black man, after he raised his voice at her. Just a bit. In the courtroom. She had to be led out & brought back into the office with a sheriffs deputy for her “safety”. I could’ve ripped her to shreds. The other black woman and I seemed to be the only ones to recognize this power play for what it was. I was absolutely livid. We don’t even get the luxury of having somewhere to put our anger over these types of things that are so very common—from the tired ass angry black woman trope to Patty Mayonnaise get-out-of-jail-free tears for nothing.

FJ: My AA lit professor at a very prestigious PWI once called me into his office for a dressdown. I had made several of his sensitive white female students cry with my recitation of “If We Must Die”. I learned early to shut it down. Hell my grandmother washed clothes for wealthy white women. I have no sympathy.

LD: I supervised a white woman whose negative reputation preceded our introduction. Determined to wipe the slate clean, I disregarded the baggage she came with and even offered praise on her performance evaluation. I said “she put forth an unusual amount of effort” on a task. She thought “unusual” was critical, took it (teary- eyed, of course) to the executive managers, and I was required to “fix it.” A white woman tears story I will never forget. That was some bullshit.

JG: Amazingly, these tears come out of nowhere! However, I always say to people ‘never throw daggers when you can’t take a splinter’. These White tears often start off as daggers (on the offensive/ ‘raising Cain’) and end up as splinters (playing the victim). #pliersortweezers #useyoursleeve #growupplayingthedozens #dontwriteacheck #whitetearscauseblackfears

JT: Years ago on a job I was on, an older white woman was so jealous of a younger, more attractive black woman that she tried to push a chair on wheels into her. Instead of hitting her intended target, the chair ricocheted off the edge of the desk and hit the initial aggressor. Immediately, the white woman jumped up and ran into her out manager’s office, crying, insisting the black woman initiated the attack. The black woman, rightfully and angrily, followed after her to tell her side of the story but was shooed away.

Instead of being fired, the older white woman was moved to a spot next to me and became and tried to use her feelings of entitlement against me to demand attention from me. When I refused to engage her, she also tried to report me to management to no avail. She eventually stomped off to sit elsewhere. Thankfully, the black woman wasn’t fired either and she eventually moved in to a better job opportunity. This an example of a power dynamic that is frequently played out in work spaces and social settings and it is oppressive. It needs to end.

KG: been dealing with this ish for the past ten years. My co-worker and I got reprimanded because Holly, old enough to be our momma and alabaster asf, felt left out of our convo and cried to the bosses about it.

LM: This is also happening in developing world where white women especially young ones come into countries under this international development work and dare to cry in a meeting. This happened to me and till date I’m a bit stunned as to how she literally pulled tears and how that shut the whole meeting down. I remember watching the scene unfold and just saying out loud – now you are making me look bad.

Drowning in tears

AW: I’m always confused at how they are pushed into leadership roles but can’t handle someone yelling at them. I have seen it happen. When I relayed a story of my client cursing me out and how I replied, they were “shocked,” I also told them how he called back 20 min later apologizing and realizing HE was at fault. They would rather go to management and not work with the individual than face the fact that it’s like that sometimes. You can’t work in a “man’s world” and want equality, but can’t handle getting yelled at!  ???? ????

SH: I see this often in mixed race groups-especially when white women are confronted on some inappropriate behavior or micro aggressions. Almost like a conditioned response that deflects responsibility. Makes any meaningful conversations or accountability in understanding white privilege impossible. Wipe your tears away and take responsibility for your shit!

KT: A few years ago I was called into a meeting with my black female department chair after a white female student who I barely noticed…it was the first day of class…walked into her office and burst into tears because she found me “intimidating”. The student didn’t have any particular complaint about any action I did but before the semester was over her father demanded meetings with the chair and dean demanding something be done. But what could be done since I hadn’t done anything to the student. I stopped meeting with white female students without witnesses after that.

To quote Shay:

To cry is human but not all tears matter. And they particularly shouldn’t matter when they come at the expense of someone else. Rarely do the tears of a non-white woman carry any value; instead. society conditions us to not cry and, with tears not having equal value, you create a “strong” Back woman. The damsel in distress is never Black. We are expected to always be strong yet also expected to never show anger or disappointment. To always turn the other cheek and be the calmest person in the room. White women tears are multipurpose: They derail conversation, they emotionally bully others (particularly people of color), and they are almost never questioned—which only adds to the power of a white woman and her tears.

When I posted all of this and the thread was popping, a few white women who read my work commented that this prompted them to reflect on if they’ve been guilty of this.

KKB: This is great and challenging and I hope my fellow white women will read and actually LISTEN without getting defensive or self-justifying. No more comments from me until I go sit with this/reflect on my own actions. Thanks for sharing.

LK: Wow, this is a seriously humbling post. Taken to heart. My husband, who happens to be a POC, often hesitates to tell me things because of my reactions, which quite often include tears of embarrassment and selt-pity. I’ve been conscious for awhile now that my tears do not help anything, are purely selfish, and only serve to derail any type of communication, but this just gives me a whole other perspective. I vow to do better.

NCA: This goes to the intertwining of racism and misogyny. white women in America have come up in a system that holds them back, but from the very beginning we were taught that at least we weren’t “one of them.” And that our only power was our sex and our tears (whereas slave women and WoC had no power at all). We have been taught that men are supposed to “protect” us, don’t worry our pretty heads about things, and if we cry “our men” will rush to the rescue of whatever Big Bad (usually a man of color) is hurting us.

It’s all toxic. All of it. White women who have experienced sexual harassment, assault and rape (I’ve experienced the “fun” of all three) are nonetheless trained so well from such a young age to dismiss the cries of WoC who’ve experienced the same things, but with the added layer of racism. It has to stop. White women and women of color have to be sisters, and it starts with us white women. We have to stop being defensive. We have to listen. We have to take a back seat. We have to learn (and the learning part? We need to do that ourselves and not constantly ask WoC to guide us!). And above all, we have to be strong enough to accept that sometimes, hard truths are going to make us uncomfortable, but keep in the forefront of our minds: our discomfort is NOTHING to the daily indignities and the life and death fears of PoC who are just trying to live their lives.

Two Black men were arrested in a Starbucks for NO. FUCKING. REASON. because some dumbass white woman cried (or in this case, called the cops, because sure). Enough.


Is there hope?

It’s interesting. White people have somehow created the narrative that Black and brown people are violent. When they have been the most violent and traumatizing people in history.

It is high time to do better, white women. But I already said this on this blog and in my book.

P.S. I wanna take this moment to shoutout Jully Black, Canadian R&B singer, who let a white woman know she ain’t here for her little feelings, in the best way ever.

Have you bought my NYTimes-bestselling debut book I’M JUDGING YOU: The Do-Better Manual? Haven’t ordered it yet? Now’s your chance. You’ll love it. Amazon. Barnes & Nobles. iBooks. Audible (I narrated the audiobook myself). Kobo. Books-A-Million.

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  1. Jen
    April 17, 2018 at 9:55 pm

    Holy crap, I feel stupid for not knowing this was a thing. Crying white women everywhere make me apologize to everyone. Work isn’t for crying to get your way. I apologize to everyone every where that this happened to. I had a wonderful black woman as my manager on a project a few years ago. My work wasn’t what the client wanted after all and she spoke too me about it. I sure as hell didn’t cry while she was talking to me. She was right and the talk was needed. I was disappointed in myself and cried later, alone, where no one could see me. No one should have to put up with this white girl’s tears except my husband. Crying in public like that is a weak ploy when you don’t want to admit you were wrong. Suck it up white ladies.

    • April 26, 2018 at 4:10 pm

      I thought I was the only one who thought this was a thing. This is why I have such a problem with the #metoo movement. There are a lot of WW tears around this issue, and I don’t want to diminish anyone’s authentic experience, but something is not sitting right with me. WW seam to be advancing their careers in the wake of all the #metoo flameouts, but black women still get left beyond in a toxic atmosphere often fueled by the very WW who have cried #metoo. Thanks all for sharing. I guess misery does love company or at least validation.

    • Trudy
      April 29, 2018 at 12:27 am

      These crying women will especially try to remind you that you are not being professional because you tell them “no” when of course THEY are the ones crying and tattling on you to the boss because they can’t get their way.

  2. Scoyy
    April 17, 2018 at 11:26 pm

    Heck… You should be married to one. Then you can talk. ????

  3. Brian McCallum
    April 17, 2018 at 11:30 pm

    As a white dude who doesn’t even flinch when WW cry I, sort of, in a small way feel your pain. I’ve never been fired but people do think I’m a jerk because I don’t run over and see if they are ok. I’m not a robot I’ve just seen it do often to me it’s just another crying WW.

    • lkeke35
      April 27, 2018 at 10:30 am

      I know its not just a Black woman thing. I’ve heard from white men that they also find the tears to be manipulative. So I know its something that gets deployed against everyone, especially when some of them just want to have things their way.

      I’ve heard some white women say they use tears to get out of responsibility for a lot of things, even speeding tickets.

    • Kat
      May 12, 2018 at 5:11 pm

      Naw. This is 100% different. White women use their whiteness and womanhood to oppress and control black folks with their tears.

      You aren’t being oppressed- fucking sit down.

  4. Amy
    April 17, 2018 at 11:48 pm

    I’ve NEVER cried to get my way — or get out of a ticket — cause crying was for when you got a whipping for doing something manifestly wrong.
    I don’t even understand why someone would do that, really. Crying in a meeting–at work?! Who DOES that!
    I can’t apologize to WoC for what other WW have done, but while I am indeed, a WW, I feel very, very bad for anyone who has been victimized by this particular behavior. In my family, that behavior was NOT acceptable, and I do not accept it — ever.

    • Jacky
      April 19, 2018 at 3:21 am

      Yes, and Thank you!!!

      Who does that!!!

      I am a beautiful black woman…nothing ever puts me down…like never. I teach with WW in Africa. I ever encountered an episode with a WW, and she started crying right in the middle of the conversation…I looked her straight in the eye, and told her I will wait for her to calm down, so the conversation can go on! I told her what she was doing ie crying was evil!
      I am glad I did that!

  5. ini
    April 18, 2018 at 5:29 am

    As much as living in an African country can be trying for a woman, this is why is one of the reasons I have always go back home after living after living a mostly white space. The dehumanization, for those of us, raised in wholly black spaces the feeling is palpable, and it requires a level of grit and hardness which I do not have and refuse to get. I was living in the UK which is ostensibly better than the US when it comes to racial issues (meaning no one will burn a cross on your lawn but you will KNOW you are an outsider, no your position in society). WW tears i can write a thesis on this it is absolutely disgusting how they are supposed to be in charge , yet refuse to do the heaving lifting , how i am supposed to provide emotional support or be the mammy of the group (i pretend not to understand ) and yet wonder why xx does not hang out with them. I do not have the bandwidth to deal with WW tears , life is too GD short.

    • lkeke35
      April 27, 2018 at 10:56 am

      Oh no, no, no! I don’t do the “Mammy” thing. I don’t coddle. I will calmly wait for them to finish, or sometimes just walk away. I don’t believe in comforting someone I know is being deliberately manipulative towards me (and yes, you can tell the difference.)

      Luckliy this has rarely happened to me, as I have really spent most of my life in majority Black spaces. The best white women friends though, are the no nonsense, pragmatic truth tellers, who believe in handling their problems, not crying about them. Those types of women I get along with just fine.

  6. Antonio
    April 18, 2018 at 7:33 am

    So recently I’ve had to have a private talk with a supervisor, a white gay man, (I am black and gay) about my attitude. The conversation boiled down to him calling me everything outside of calling me a stone cold bitch, that he sees that I treat my colleagues differently than him, and that ‘he doesn’t deserve to feel uncomfortable at work just because of my attitude’. I couldn’t respond to him with my true feelings or opinion because I can tell that it would have ended with me basically screaming into the void. Is my encounter particularly unique?

  7. M
    April 18, 2018 at 7:57 am

    Wow…just wow????

    • Jenn
      April 21, 2018 at 10:26 am

      That was my reaction too.

  8. DCFem
    April 18, 2018 at 8:35 am

    You must have asked this question the week I was on vacaton and unplugged from electronic devices because i could write a book on this subject. i had to work for a genuine sociopath who got away with all kinds of ish for years because she would cry and talk about how much she was trying to help, etc. I freed myself from her by scaring her, but in a way that is acceptable to white people. I wrote down with tremendous specifcity all of the things she’d done to undermine me on my job and uploaded them to the performance review that she’d written. Once somethings in that sytem, only the director of HR can take it out and she declined to do so. What I wrote put such a scare into that bitch that she asked for me to be transferred to another supervisor. If you think it won’t get you fired, find the most professional way you can to let Ms. Becky know that you’ve got her number and your days putting up with her bullshit are over. It worked for me.

    • JL
      April 22, 2018 at 2:46 am

      This is what I’m talking about. Learn how to play their game 10x better. You absolutely have to as a black woman. What Becky understands is proof, lawsuits, and formal shaming and consequences.

  9. Lopinot
    April 18, 2018 at 8:56 am

    White women use tears and emotional outbursts to justify their passive aggressive treatment of blacks. They are very sneaky, and can’t verbally defend their bad acts….so they cry and act like children as a distraction. Even the ones married to black men behave this way. In my entire 20-year professional career, I have consistently had the same problems with white women. They pick a fight with me and then run to HR playing the victim when I assert myself.

    • BlackWomensTearsMATTER
      April 18, 2018 at 12:09 pm

      I feel you, I too have experienced this from the time I was in grade school. The first time I became conscious of this weaponizing of WW tears I had my very long hair pulled by a shorter haired Jr. WW classmate. When I defended myself by shoving her off of me, she immediately burst into loud dramatic tears and reported that I hit her.
      I was immediately taken to the principals office for my aggression towards her, I was so confused about what was happening until I saw her laughing. These WW tears have been showing up in my life ever since.

    • lkeke35
      April 27, 2018 at 11:03 am

      Omg! That so perfectly encapsulates White Feminism. They want the kind of power that white men have to bully people.They cant get away with doing it the way white men do because that’s too easily called out, and by behaving that way they can’t possibly pretend they’re being good people, (especially having been on the receiving end of that kind of behavior from men.)

      They want to be able to bully like a white man, and express resentment against PoC, without consequences, but cant do it any other way.

  10. Stephanie
    April 18, 2018 at 9:32 am

    Your words truly help me reflect on my own thoughts and actions. Thank you!

  11. nickiw
    April 18, 2018 at 11:17 am

    As I am reading this, a new book/poem title comes to mind:
    for white girls who considered tears when privilege was not enough

    • April 18, 2018 at 4:47 pm

      You win the internet today girl!

    • Sweethunhun
      April 19, 2018 at 3:53 am


  12. Randowhitelady
    April 18, 2018 at 11:30 am

    I’m a WW who stress cries, and I hate it. I’ve gone into meetings with tissue in hand and warned everyone, “Look, I’m probably going to cry, but I can’t help it. I’m not sad about this, so nobody should overreact.” It’s embarrassing to me. I feel like it undermines my point and makes it harder to communicate and be taken seriously, and I know it makes other people uncomfortable. How incredibly shitty to embrace the whole female frailty thing and use it to punch down. I’m really sorry WW have done this to you.

    • MAC67
      April 18, 2018 at 3:55 pm

      Somewhere you learned that crying gets you what you want. Does it occur to you that maybe, just maybe, the real reason why you “stress cry” is because it undermines everyone else in the room? It gets people to soften up, pliable, amenable to what you have to say. Even warning people of the possibility of your theatrics is a way to undermine the people who showed up with a backbone. And guess what else? THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU!

      • April 18, 2018 at 5:07 pm

        KAPOW! Now cry yoourself a river over that Randonwhitelady.

      • April 21, 2018 at 2:13 pm

        I can’t speak for anyone else, but I tend to cry, now as a 40 something woman, when I get seriously angry or frustrated because my first reaction of being verbally brutal has lost me jobs, friends, and “romantic” partners. It happens at work, it happens in my personal life. I’ve had to learn the art of semi-gracefully excusing myself to get it out, regroup, and come back calmerand functioning like a semi-adult who has her shit mildly together. Keyword, mildly.

        I’d suggest the OP learn some tricks to do that because, it’s far better than this years being unconsciously used as a sorce of power or other realms of bullshit.

      • Roe
        April 25, 2018 at 8:47 pm

        I’m not disagreeing with the premise, and you’re right that it’s not about us, but I think some people just cry easily, regardless of race, gender, or background.

        For example, while I never actually cry in public, it doesn’t take much to make me have to fight back tears, despite growing up regularly hearing “stop crying before I give you something to cry about.” But since I do whatever I can to keep it from being noticeable, it doesn’t seem like it’s even subconsciously meant to be manipulative. It just happens automatically.

        What you say is certainly true much of the time. I’ve seen plenty of white women who are prone to theatrics (not even remotely limited just to crying; even the silent treatment is a prime example of this) to manipulate people into doing what they want, and in a society that often dismisses what women say, it’s an easy habit to fall into, because it works. (I’d be lying if I said I’ve never done it myself, though not with crying that I can recall, but it’s mostly been behaviors I picked up from my dad, the king of huffiness, so I think there’s another conversation to be had about passive aggressiveness in white people, in general.)

        But, because society is less accepting of emotional expression from men and from WOC, those who cry easily have to learn to fight that impulse from a young age, while white women can simply say they cry easily and society more or less shrugs. Frankly, I think the racism and sexism inherent in that fact (in addition to general social responsibility to minimize emotional outbursts in public) is already a good reason to try to reign in the tears, but having been made aware how often they’re weaponized this way, we really have no excuse not to. It doesn’t have to be intentional to cause harm.

    • Vanessa
      April 20, 2018 at 10:34 am

      Aww, i actually have to hear her there. I am a WoC and I stress cry. I cry when I get really mad, too. It’s terrible. I can’t lie, I have used tears to get out of a ticket. Some of that shit is just hard-wired. I hate it so much.
      But I ain’t gonna lie, I do use them to get out of shit every now and again. Female tears are a powerful thing, even ours. I remember getting into an office-wide fight with all the white people in my office when I was about 25 (this is like 20+ years ago). I was the only person, let alone woman, of color at my place of business. I started a conversation one day about how important Affirmative Action was. (My real political awareness was just coming online). The white people did not agree. The conversation got out of hand, they all jumped on me (verbally) and I started to cry. I felt like a schmuck, but it was as good a way to shut down the conversation as any. I used my tears a lot at that office. I guess I should be ashamed, but we can at least know that some of us get to use some of the same weapons they use against us, sometimes.
      Now, all these years later, I’m a lawyer who works for herself. I don’t have to hear anyone’s bs, and people cry all the time. Nobody cares, and judges aren’t usually moved by bs tears.

    • TearlessWW
      April 20, 2018 at 2:26 pm

      You can learn how not to cry. You just do it. Crying worked on the playground, and maybe even at home, but crying has no place in business. Grit your teeth and act your age.

    • Zaina
      April 26, 2018 at 5:17 am

      You are exactly the type of white woman that I cannot stand. Those stress cries are CALCULATED tears and you know exactly what you’re doing. Miss me with the “I can’t help it bs”.
      I have worked with you and your ilk for years and it has been harrowing. The biggest trait you display is passive aggression. You often say that you feel intimidated. As a black woman who is now gloriously self employed, I can openly and happily say that white women who act the way you do disgust me. I’m glad that I don’t have to engage in your nonsense any more. As uncharitable as this may sound, stick your sorry up your flat arse.
      PS. Whoever compared US racism to UK racism hmm. Apples and oranges. English people INVENTED racism, it’s their most profitable export. They excel at it. I grew up in 3 cities in the UK so I’m an expert!!

  13. Elizabeth Patitsas
    April 18, 2018 at 12:28 pm

    I agree it’s terrible that there are white women who use their tears to avoid taking responsibility in racism. These types of tears are problematic.

    I’d like to note that there are white women who confronted with their own racism cry tears of realizing how they have been complicit in oppressive power structures. This is different from the examples in the article where white women cried to avoid confronting their own complicity.

    It can be easy to forget how emotionally difficult it is for anybody to confront their own complicity in the oppression of others. The tears that come from that mental space I think should be understood differently from the tears that come from an entitled space. It’s worth having a discussion on how to handle the tears and emotions of realizing one’s complicity, and how to then channel that into useful action.

    • Sara
      April 18, 2018 at 4:47 pm

      Ok, but it’s audacious for WW to cry and expect comfort for finally dealing with their complicity in white supremacy in the presence of POC who are the ones actually oppressed.

      • Karen
        April 22, 2018 at 8:34 am

        As a WW who has often contemplated surgically removing my tear ducts bc I HATE how easily I cry, would it help for me to to also yell ,”I’m realizing I’ve been shitty! Just need to sit with it! No comfort expected or wanted!” (And yes I’m being serious lol)

      • Lm
        April 22, 2018 at 8:41 am

        Exactly! Ww crying because they they get it: ew

      • Keisha
        April 26, 2018 at 6:31 am

        @Sara Boom.You have expressed very eloquently what I could not. I hate to admit that I still feel some residual disdain for several white women colleagues who pissed and piss me AWF with their DAILY passive aggressive thuggery.

    • Sweethunhun
      April 19, 2018 at 4:09 am

      The emotion is understood but to expect comfort and sympathy because WW are crying over the realization of their complicitness of their tears being racist, is akin to asking a stabbing victim to feel sorry for the person doing the stabbing. It’s quite audacious to put the responsibility solely on the victim’s shoulders. It’s not their responsibility to put their hurt aside and turn this into a “teaching moment” for the offender. The point is for the WW to learn to look beyond their selfish behavior in that moment and understand their irresponsibility in these situations.

    • ShifterCat
      April 19, 2018 at 12:38 pm

      I’m a white woman, and I agree with what Sara said: even if you’re upset because you’ve had an awakening, it’s still inappropriate to expect people of colour to assuage your feelings about that. You need to be able to manage your reactions, if only for long enough to say, “Thank you, I need to go process this.” If you need to find a shoulder for that, find a white shoulder.

      You’ve heard of the “ring theory” of social interaction? It basically says that the person who’s having to handle the worst stuff should get a break from handling other people’s stuff. “Comfort in, dump out.”

  14. Kira Ross
    April 18, 2018 at 2:56 pm

    This is so good – Thank you for writing it.
    I hesitate to bring this up… but here we go: This makes me think of the Larry Nassar case(s). As a strong advocate for women, with a professional history in working specifically with domestic and sexual violence survivors, I (of course) strongly sympathize with the victims of this disgusting dude’s actions, and applaud them for speaking up. That being said, I couldn’t help but wonder if the media coverage and overall public uproar about the cases would’ve carried the same charge had his victims been primarily WoC? The public responds with such passion and outrage when young, pretty White women speak out. So much encouragement and such an outpouring of love and support (which, again, is GREAT)… Still, would that have been the same?? Pretty much most certainly not. Because I’m sure these women HAVE come forward before… We just never heard about it. And that’s seriously messed up.

    • Saiton Tameno
      April 19, 2018 at 1:52 pm

      Don’t hesitate… I have an example for you… R. Kelly.

      • Kira R
        April 19, 2018 at 4:29 pm

        Ah, yes.

    • aDm
      April 20, 2018 at 9:55 pm

      Daniel Holtzclaw

    • April 21, 2018 at 2:20 pm

      I think all we have to do is look at the Cosby case, where most abused we’re women of color and the Weinstein case where they were mostly, if not all white.

      The public outcry and linked “movements” regarding Weinstein we’re rampant, but you didn’t see all the white lady celebrities picking up the baton for the survivors of Cosby’s abuses.

      History has shown us this chasm over and over, relentlessly.

      • LT
        April 26, 2018 at 4:20 pm

        What are your thoughts now that Cosby’s been convicted? Does this change your perspective? Not sure how I feel about it, which bothers me. Thoughts?

  15. MAC67
    April 18, 2018 at 3:43 pm

    With the exception of sexuality, tears are really the only form of power little white girls see and read while growing up. And they learn to use them against their victims all the while believing they themselves are wounded…

  16. Nopegnome
    April 18, 2018 at 4:03 pm

    I do feel like we have to be careful though to not shame people for having emotions at work. I know women of all races who have had their “emotional nature” used as a critique at work and it’s so degrading. It’s one thing to cry to get out of a parking ticket, it’s another to cry in a private meeting with your boss because you’re having a horrible chronic health issue that you’ve been keeping a secret (something I literally did because I was afraid of seeming weak.)

    • Sweethunhun
      April 19, 2018 at 4:18 am

      I understand your POV. And it’s valid because no we don’t want to invalidate real emotions. But I believe it’s understood that we’re all talking about things far beyond that.

  17. Chaveevah F
    April 18, 2018 at 4:18 pm

    I was in my 50s the first time I experienced a WW trying to use tears to get out of a situation she’d created. She was a student in my class–with a poor attendance problem, which she thought [incorrectly] that I’d ‘overlook’ because she was a lead singer in the school’s Lyric Opera. She actually stopped me before class to ask me for a ‘bit more leeway’ regarding her attendance, and I told her that I didn’t give grades–students EARN them. I advised her to either withdraw from class, start attending regularly before it was too late, or prepare to receive the failing grade she was setting herself up for. As I talked, I noticed that she was getting choked up and turning beet-red…I was scared! I asked if she needed me to call an ambulance or something, because I thought she was having some kind of attack. Barely able to breathe, she squeaked out between gasps, “I’ve–never–had–any–one–talk–to–ME–like–this!”, then started sobbing uncontrollably. I just looked at her; I had never seen such, and sure as HELL never thought that kind of behavior would get me anything. After I saw that nothing was wrong with her–except she couldn’t have her way–I was done. Given the choice to actually earn her grade or get the one she deserved, she eventually earned herself a D-

    • Christine
      April 24, 2018 at 11:20 pm

      D-…she would have to take the class again, right? *cackles*

    • M Lee
      May 8, 2018 at 10:30 am

      That girl must’ve been a millennial. They love to cry about anything when the world doesn’t bend over backwards for them.

  18. Lin
    April 18, 2018 at 4:58 pm

    I have sownt 42 years on this planet. I’m certain I have been saying white women are dangerous for 36 of those years. They are cloaked and protected in a way that is flabbergasting. I would go up against someone with a gun before ai would a crying white woman.

  19. pacalaga
    April 18, 2018 at 6:19 pm

    good gravy I’d sooner eat my shoe than cry at work. I don’t know that I’ve ever known anyone else to do so. I’m not doubting that it happens, or that it happens for exactly the reasons laid out above, but jeebus, until I read this I thought that was something 8 year olds did.

  20. Linda Davis
    April 18, 2018 at 6:20 pm

    I got fired from a major international nonprofit organization because a black woman (Mammie) said I offended my white coworkers during a conference call when I stated that the organization’s annual conference lacked racial diversity. She said my words were accusatory. Made a big deal about me kissing their asses as she did.

    • Sweethunhun
      April 19, 2018 at 4:24 am

      This is so unfortunate. That’s another thing. We also have to navigate those that support this erroneous behavior.

  21. blackprofessor
    April 18, 2018 at 6:44 pm

    This is why I don’t trust White women any more than White men! I am 44 and I have one White female friend in my life! We are only friends because she is “woke” for a White person and we have real conversations about race. Otherwise, I ignore White women as much as I possibly can.

  22. Nneka
    April 18, 2018 at 7:02 pm

    Hmmm. Now I realize why I was so confused several months ago when my WW housemate and I had a disagreement on how to split a bill which resulted in her sobbing on the floor. *Sobbing* Ummmm? Followed shortly by other WM housemates “intervening” and calling me cruel for refusing to engage with her. Same WW was previously regaling me with with TMI about black bf (sounded more like fwb to me). Did not renew that lease.

  23. Tsenan
    April 18, 2018 at 7:33 pm

    Please let me guffaw in all 600 African languages! Is it when WW years where weaponized on my only vacation to throw me under the bus to 4 levels of supervision for her incompetence even though I had receipts? A move that her WM savior (2 bosses up) who was retiring in 6 months used to punish me by docking my pay level for almost 2 years after his retirement? Or the time that another WW’s tears were activated because she didn’t want me leading the team? Or when I was advised to be the bigger person, be strong, tone it (tf?) down and try getting along with this same female when I had a voicemail from her & her fellow WW (she didn’t realize she hadn’t dropped the phone) basically calling me stupid and fat when they literally JUST met me? WW Tears is why I ended an 8 year long “friendship”. And since I live in the South & I’m so effing through with y’alls fake ass tears, fake epiphanies, & fake NotAllWW, I’mNotLikeThat bullshit, I’m moving my thrilled af ass Black to Africa in November. Find another Olivia Pope.
    The people who helped me in all these instances (because I inherited my African mother’s bullshit deficiency & don’t know when to let it be) were AA women & to y’all I’m forever grateful. You can come through any day. To all ye WW, I’m posted up with holy water. I’d rather deal with your men; I respect a direct enemy far more than a plastic snake.

  24. Mary Jordan
    April 18, 2018 at 7:53 pm

    Has anyone attended the new Civil Rights Museum in Jackson, MS? You monoliths engraved with the 587 names of lynched black folks. 24% of the lynchings were linked to offended white women, including a black male farmer who was farming across the road from a white woman as she walked home. She screamed raped, and he was lynched.

    All those lynchings and current racism within Mississippi haven’t stopped black men from pursuing white women and at an alarming rate. Between 2012 and 2016 there were 2904 marriages between blacks and whites in MS. The vast majority, 73%, were between black men and white women. The white male and black female unions had the highest rates of college and advanced degrees.

  25. Mary Jordan
    April 18, 2018 at 8:05 pm

    Has anyone attended the new Civil Rights Museum in Jackson, MS? It has monoliths engraved with the 587 names of lynched black folks. 24% of the lynchings were linked to offended white women, including a black male farmer who was farming across the road from a white woman as she walked home. She screamed raped, and he was lynched.

    All those lynchings and current racism within Mississippi haven’t stopped black men from pursuing white women and at an alarming rate. Between 2012 and 2016 there were 2904 marriages between blacks and whites in MS. The vast majority, 73%, were between black men and white women. The white male and black female unions had the highest rates of college and advanced degrees.

  26. Sandra Hayhes
    April 18, 2018 at 8:15 pm

    Am I the only black woman who finds it incredibly strange that Bill Cosby was able to get away with abusing white women, especially during the 60’s when black folks were still fighting for equal rights? I do believe his guilty but I don’t believe that he could have gotten away with his crimes against white feminity unless powerful white men protected him. But at the end of the day, he is clearly obsessed with whiteness. It appears that even his almost white wife Camille wasn’t white enough.

  27. April 18, 2018 at 9:08 pm

    […] the media this week about WW tears has been spot on. The magnificent Luvvie has articulated it […]

  28. LaVonne Jones
    April 18, 2018 at 10:46 pm

    I worked in the medical field for over 20 years and I have been set up, vilified and victimized by WW and there Very convincing Tears!!
    1) Manager set me up, then proceeded to tell Boss that she needs to go home early because she feared that I would do something to her. So they let her go and took me into the office and insisted that the consensus was ‘you are not a team player and they are threatened by you’
    2) Another manager would TIME my bathroom breaks and it was actually put in my personnel file along with lunch breaks and when I confronted them and it was taken to HR, the tables were turned on me and I was told to be mindful of my time..meanwhile Becky would come to work and clock in and SIT and eat Breakfast instead of working!! These are mild compared to some of the other shit that was done to me!!

    • Sweethunhun
      April 19, 2018 at 4:59 am

      When I was in a hospital in Chicago I was giving advice to a BM Nurse. He was being harassed by a WW co-worker. She was setting him up, crying to anyone who would listen. She never did her work but tried to deflect the attention onto him saying he hurt her feelings. I quickly laid out for him the exact path she was laying out in order to advance her career. I also instructed him on the ways to respond and behave everyday he came to work in order to not get caught up in her games and save his job so he can eventually post out to another department. He didn’t really want to leave his current position but in order to save his job he needed to. By the time I left the hospital he had a better handle on his situation and things were turning around in his favor. He may not hapöp

  29. Frances Fitzpatrick
    April 19, 2018 at 4:33 am

    Do you like it when someone makes broad generalization about black women (like you do about white women regularly) ?

    • Ruth
      April 19, 2018 at 6:38 am

      1. If you know these are generalizations, you should already know they don’t apply to everyone. This thread isn’t here to take care of your feelings.
      2. Look at all the separate stories on this thread. This is a thing. Hear it.
      3. Perhaps the point of you being here should be self reflection. If this conversation makes you uncomfortable, good. Me too. I didn’t know this was a thing and I am horrified. But that feeling isn’t going to make me cry and perpetuate this cycle. I’m going to look at myself and make damn sure I don’t ever do this. I’m going to call it out when I see it. And I’m definitely going to teach my daughter to do better.
      4. To be really extra clear: I think your comment is passive aggressive and unproductive. And that’s putting it generously.

      • Lyn
        April 19, 2018 at 8:34 am

        Daaaayyyyuuumm! I think I have found my soul mate! That clap back was so meticulously articulate! You get it! Thank you!

        • Ruth A Quiles
          April 19, 2018 at 5:46 pm

          Thank YOU! Let’s hang out 🙂

      • Sarah
        April 21, 2018 at 5:26 pm

        Ruth just made me grab my church fan and hum a little.

    • Nicole
      April 19, 2018 at 12:29 pm

      No more than I enjoy the actions of fellow white women shaming one another when they cannot coerce, shame, or deflect others into seeing society their way. I learned that I was the bastard child of a teenage mother, raised by her grandmother and her brother because a white woman on our street felt I earned a higher grade than her child at the History Fair at school. She felt it her place to let me know I was poor white trash, despite being raised by a proud gay man and his amazing first college graduate in her family sister in a lower-middle-class home. A family that was on the outside just like all the other whites on the block but we were treated very differently. And it stung. It’s been my own experience that whenever I achieved academic excellence, was able to travel, become debt-free, and when I started working on my first book, it was always fellow white women who sought to tear me down. It was white women who were the first to remind me I was a bastard. To inform me that I didn’t have a place in the front pew of the church. That my looks wouldn’t last forever. To comment on my weight as if it was a matter of public opinion. To insinuate that because I was raised in an LGBTQ home I was HIV positive, a bad influence on others, or would molest others. White women who belonged to Fred Phelps church who carried signs stating my uncle would burn in hell. Women that literally and physically, spat in my face the day we buried my uncle. A man shot to death for being gay. All on the day of his funeral. I was 16 years old. Then there were the white women who months later allowed their teenage sons to throw a pipe bomb into the dining room window of the home my grandmother worked twenty years to pay off, only to cry in court, demanding leniency for her white sons. Because their delicate sensibilities were offended by us living in their neighborhood after the media publicized my uncle’s murder. White women who shamed me for being the first female president of my college democrats. Even in recent years, white women in broad daylight defaced Clinton signs in my own front yard while my child watched. Telling my only child that her mother should be ashamed to vote against God. White women than would cry at the drop of a hat to partners at my former law firm in desperate hopes of stealing a promotion from other women. White women who would steal and discard your husband without batting an eye. And just to think, they did this to me. A white millennial woman. Keeping in mind what has been done and is being done to WOC is infinity worse. Thankfully, I grew up surrounded by amazing gay men and my grandmother’s friends, beautiful, older black women. Whose dignity and strength helped to lift me up more times than I can count. Women who taught me self-respect, how to make my home a showcase, that food could nourish the soul, and to not cry at the drop of a damn hat. WOC who came to my uncle’s funeral and stood in a line, turning their backs to Fred Phelps so my grandmother could have the dignity of walking into the mortuary where she would bury the brother she raised. While fellow white women called her everything but a child of God. Those same WOC also taught me that your oppressor wasn’t worth your tears or the time to cry. It’s for those women that I esteem so greatly that I read articles like this and seek to re-educate myself. Even as a liberal white woman. Including voting for politicians that don’t seek to go against our better interests or the interests of WOC. And just so you know Frances, when a person reads an article and becomes uncomfortable, its because you’ve been triggered by your own previous actions. As white women, we have all been complacent. We do need to do better by WOC. Each and every day. Now, go generalize that.

      • Michele
        April 22, 2018 at 10:59 am

        Wow. I am overwhelmed. Bless you and your journey.

      • Zaina
        April 26, 2018 at 5:39 am

        Why are you here? Go somewhere. That poorly punctuated, long winded trash was horrible to read…so I didn’t. See what I did there, invalidate your experience, belittle you and dismiss you. This is what white women do to black women in the work place every bloody day. How does it feel?

  30. Shannyn
    April 19, 2018 at 7:08 am

    The struggle is real and if it hasn’t happened to you yet, it will.
    This passive aggressive warning. Becky’s chin quivers, eyes turn red then the various words they use “pre acid tears”
    You are:

    Intimidating (really Becky, can you give me an example? She never has one)
    Too direct
    Too confident (yes I am how come you’re not?)
    You’re mad (yes Becky cuz you’re trying to f with me)
    Susan is friendlier than you (the only diff is Susan is a WW)
    You act like you think you’re better than me (no Becky, you just don’t like the fact that I know I’m just as good as you)

    The list would get too long and I’m tired of typing. The boo hoo response gets a blank stare from me. And I have actually told two people in the past six months to stop using the fact that they think I’m intimidating and good at my job as their excuse for their poor performance.

    • Lorna G.
      April 19, 2018 at 4:38 pm

      Shannyn, you better understand Right Now that I am passing the collection plate in your honor with CRISP $5 bills (none of those wrinkled ones from the strippers club) cause You Have PREACHED!!!!!

      Amen in every language in existence, Sis!!!

      • Shannyn
        April 19, 2018 at 6:52 pm

        Hahaha Lorna thank you Queen. I’m 60 with 30 + years working in corporate America. WW count on the fact that we won’t call them on their bullish!t so when we do they whimper. Stay woke/stay strong stay strategic and keep your Wakanda citizenship card current xoxo

    • Tia
      April 25, 2018 at 7:14 pm

      Yes!!!!! ????

  31. W.E.
    April 19, 2018 at 8:04 am

    I have seen the many wonders of whitebtears working my whole life but I will never forget this day when one of my managers severely disappointed me and changed my perception of her forever:

    A former employee came to visit, as with most work enviorments some people don’t like each other. It’s human nature. Allegations came up that this former employee was still being given her employee discount and was asked to to come back. She asked to see the manager on duty to discuss these allegations (which I think anyone would do).

    This manager under the guise of “avoiding confrontation” chose to hide and stall. Eventually, this employee came to the managers office, where I was eating my lunch that is why I saw the entire encounter and calmly ask if she had done something wrong. She showed the manager her receipts to prove she was not still getting any discounts and the manager told her everything was fine and she was welcome to come back as long as she always paid full price.

    I though this would be the end of it.

    As soon as this former employee left, this manager starts crying asking why anybody told her, the former employee where she was, and saying how she was so mad and thought she was going to “ beat her ass”.

    I was floored. What in this literally 90second conversation could have shaken and intimidated this woman so badly that she is in tears?? She proceeded to the tell security to ‘not let her in at all next time because she was scared of her’.

    When I tell you this woman never raised her voice and never talked over her, was the simple act of defending herself against false claims that shook this “manager”? Or was it the fact that she did so while simultaneously being black???

  32. Chiedza
    April 19, 2018 at 9:19 am

    This reminds me of Mary Beard on twitter when she was called out for rationalising child abuse in Haiti. She turned herself into a victim so quickly I was stunned, complete with crying selfies about how the episode was stressing her.

  33. Hmm
    April 19, 2018 at 11:29 am

    Are white women also more prone to Borderline Personality Disorder? There are white fragility outbursts and then there is completely undeniable manipulation, venom and intense gaslighting, victim blaming, with a martyr complex. Just seems like it.

  34. M.G.
    April 19, 2018 at 1:16 pm

    Thank you for this great post! I just read an excellent essay by Rebecca Solnit in Lit Hub where she argues that one of the great debates in the country right now is whose story are we telling? When WW cry, they’re making the story all about them. E.g., the WW whose child is aggressive doesn’t think to ask about the victim’s experience (how does he feel? what is *his* story?); rather, she makes the whole episode about her own suffering. Of course women shouldn’t feel shame about the public display of real feeling, but there’s a huge difference between honoring a woman’s right to emotion and a WW manipulatively using tears to redirect the focus of the narrative away from a person of color’s experience.

  35. Grace
    April 19, 2018 at 2:40 pm

    I have never seen this stated so succinctly stated before, I did not realize that this was such a shared experience!

    I had a high school “friend” be mercilessly and brutally awful to me. One day, I told her that sometimes, she could be a little inconsiderate. I will never forget that day (I’m 27 now). That’s all I said. She had treated me HORRIBLY that day, and had done so for years. And I said, “sometimes you can be a bit inconsiderate.” She started bawling uncontrollably, I let her have everything she wanted and comforted her, and she went back and told all our friends that I had yelled at her. They later all ganged up on me, would not believe a word I said, and made me apologize to her (I already had). To this day I just want to scoop up that little black girl and tell her that her voice does matter, her feelings matter, and she doesn’t have to mammy white women to be accepted in society. Sadly, I’m still not sure that last part is true.

  36. Lauren Victoria Romans
    April 19, 2018 at 3:50 pm


    • Eric
      April 19, 2018 at 8:43 pm

      Sounds like the problem is YOU, not white women. But, by all means, use the information in this hack article as an excuse to forego doing any self-reflection on your own shortcomings and poor attitude (we’ll just call it a hunch), decide that it must be the collective fault of white women, and I’m sure you’ll eventually rise to the top of society’s rungs. What could go wrong when you are assigning negative characteristics to entire populations? Come to think of it, isn’t there a word for that? Racial proliferation? Racial prometheus? Promethazine? I’ll think of it.

      • Angie
        April 20, 2018 at 3:20 pm

        This article isn’t about or for you. The commenter didn’t ask for your opinion about a situation you don’t know anything about.

        There’s crazy irony in you going on about how she’s the problem, when you don’t know her. You tell her all about her experience, based on nothing.

        Nothing other than who you assume she is because she’s a WoC. She was there; you were not. Then you promptly move on to cry about her racial profiling against her allegedly wronged WW boss?

        Pack up your privileged mansplaining move along. Maybe do some of that self-reflection you’re talking about. You might find out who the problem really is here. The WW boss doesn’t need you to defend her. And I’m sure the commenter doesn’t need me to defend her either but I really can’t with this.

        Even if the commenter “made” the WW cry because she was over the line somehow, it looks like the WW had the power in this situation to handle it with more than her tears.

        A WW who keeps her tears to herself, and doesn’t spill them just because someone with a strong voice dares to challenge her opinion/decision which may (shock!) be wrong/misinformed.

      • Lauren
        April 20, 2018 at 4:06 pm

        First Luvvie– you are my spirit animal and I love you for this post– thank you for seeing US!

        Oh “Eric” you should really read the things you write before you go checking anybody. I have worked for 5 years in higher education… I come in earlier than my coworkers, stay later than my coworkers and hustle hard than my coworkers. Becky doesn’t need your defense her tears have said enough. and I work hard for my shit… And just like my boss’s tears there is a place for your opinionated big words….In the pit of “I don’t give a fuck”– and “Keep your Twitter fingers to yo damn self”

        This post is not about or for you, your “lack” of empathy of the experience of WOC around you.It was MY truth. Obviously you didn’t read this article. Maybe you should read it again…

  37. Radschel
    April 19, 2018 at 3:59 pm

    I live in Germany (and yes, i am white and a woman), and to be honest, I gladly never came across such bullshit. I mean the crying thing.
    I cannot even imagine having one of my colleagues starting to cry because I critiziced her. I am used to women not being really accepting the criticism or being angry, bt no women would be taken seriously anymore if she would start crying on work. I would lose any respect to that woman.
    On the other side, there are different laws about work, so maybe the crying to the boss is just not effective.

    But WTF, what kind of childish behaviour is that and wtf is wrong with these women?

  38. Not Becky, Felicia nor Karen
    April 19, 2018 at 5:01 pm

    Great article. I’m a non-teary WW myself. This read made me realize, however, that I work for Becky. Explains so much, and underscores my need to find a new job. (working on it.) This is definitely a thing, but don’t think those who’ll use tears focus only on POC. WTFisup with raising anyone to be so spineless, narcissistic and entitled to protection at the expense of others? I’ve got no answers, but I do want to say that my new favorite word is epiphanic.

  39. Jane
    April 20, 2018 at 7:42 am

    Wow! Just Wow! As a white woman who started work in the 1070’s in an otherwise all male workplace, it has occurred to me to cry in the workplace. We have been fighting for years for equal treatment in the workplace, and tears just set us back. (Yes, I have shed angry tears in private over injustices in the workplace.) I can honestly say at age 63 that I have only seen this once, and from a pregnant co-worker who kept apologizing for her tears, and was mortified. I needed this post because as a “boss” now, I need to be aware that this is a thing. SMH over the narcissism that has overtaken our culture.

    • Jane
      April 20, 2018 at 7:44 am

      Big typo above. I mean to type that it has NEVER occurred to me to cry in the workplace.

      • BlackAndWhite
        April 21, 2018 at 10:41 am

        I agree Jane. I am mixed and have cried once at work because I have ptsd and I had a flashback. I have actually never seen a white women or black women actually cry at work. This just feels like another hate filled article.

        • ImFedUp SoNow YouCanSitDown
          April 22, 2018 at 12:44 pm

          Just because you have not seen or experienced something first hand DOES NOT make it any less real.

          You see how you feel you had a reason to cry at work (ptsd)? Well I respect that. I may not have known or understood why you were doing it had I been there and seen you doing it… But now that you took the time to explain yourself, I have a better understanding and I sympathise.
          NOW… Similarly, WoC are trying to explain their EQUALLY JUSTIFIABLE reasons for their feelings/attitudes/reactions/behaviours/lives so, the best and fair thing you can do is listen so you can understand as well.

          If you don’t understand something or disagree with something that someone is sharing with you in earnest, just sit back, take it in, ask (intelligent) questions if you like, then reflect. If after that, you empathise with what we’re saying, then power to you! I even invite you to speak up and help us fight. Otherwise, respectfully just STFU. You also have the option of simply walking away… silently.
          Do not EVER comment or criticise something you know nothing about.

          Don’t make us have to explain this again.

        • Utterly confused
          April 23, 2018 at 10:25 pm

          Umm wow! She was giving her thoughts. How can you start a sentence nicely with respectively and then jump to STFU”? Sorry not everyone has the same encounters as you but when a post is public expect others to comment.

        • Adwoa
          April 26, 2018 at 5:50 am

          Another “hate filled article”? hmm, did you actually
          read it in its entirety?
          Digest it?
          Think about it?
          Ponder over it?
          Step outside of your own experience and consider the long list of examples?
          I’m going to hazard a guess that you didn’t.

          As you’re so self absorbed, superficial and shallow, run along to a different platform where your sound bites and thimble sized intellect will be appreciated.

          Some articles are not meant for everyone. Le sigh.

          Hate filled? No, Accurate, provocative and liberating.

    • Kaydub
      April 21, 2018 at 5:08 pm

      You can read all of these comments of peoples genuine experiences and dismiss it completely as simple hate? I found the timing of this article so ironic as I just spoke with a Hispanic atty at work whose wife (also Hispanic) is on the verge of quitting her job because of young white girl tears and tge exhaustion she experiences trying to balance holding them accountable and tiptoe-ing around their various reasons for tears and emoting endlessly about anything that displeases, embarrasses, or otherwise disrupts their right to 100% joy and affirmation.
      Talk about entitlement!

  40. Mark Neil
    April 20, 2018 at 12:09 pm

    “Picture it: a white woman feels challenged or uncomfortable about something a Black person said or did.”

    This is something any women, but especially a white woman, can do at any time, and is used, often, against anyone, especially men, and not just black people. It’s more typical of the privileged class of white women, particularly the educated ones that never needed to overcome any obstacles on their own, and know full well tears gets results (note, no man can ever get even remotely similar results from crying, and yet we’re called toxicly masculine because we can’t be bothered to cry).

    “Isn’t it the story of countless Black folks who have to work with white women who don’t know how to get anything but positive feedback?”

    Again, why limit it to only black folks. Even white men must endure the wraith of white women with tear ducts loaded. It’s what drives movements like feminism, and most recently the co-opting of #meToo (One just needs to look at some of the inanely trivial complaints that are held up alongside legitimate ones to see this).

    “Isn’t it the story of why 2 men got arrested for standing in Starbucks?”

    This is where you lose me. It’s unfortunate what happened in Starbucks, but it wasn’t a result of white woman tears. A store manager saw two individuals who refused to purchase or leave, called the police (and we have the audio from those calls, no tears, only professionalism). When the police arrived, those same individuals still refused to leave or purchase anything, and so, after several attempts to resolve the issue peacefully, they were arrested (thankfully peacefully). The manager is perfectly within their right to insist people using their facilities be paying customers. There may be some argument about how consistently that policy is enacted, but we don’t know that store or manager, or how she personally applies it. And for some reason, nobody is directly asking her.

    Ultimately, the Starbucks incident seems more an issue of entitlement on the part of the two individuals who felt this business was some public pit stop and lounge. It isn’t, it’s a business.

    “The mothers, sisters, daughters and aunties of the world’s biggest bullies (white men). ”

    So are you seriously going to pretend white men are safe from white woman tears? White men are the enforcer and administrators of white women, but it is still white women that ultimately drive those men’s actions. Don’t believe me… look at feminist theories that are prominent in today’s culture. Now juxtapose those to this list of Jim Crow etiquette, and you’ll see that men are the new black, and women the new white, but the expectations remain the same:

    Never assert or even intimate that a white person is lying.
    Never impute dishonorable intentions to a white person.
    Never suggest that a white person is from an inferior class.
    Never lay claim to, or overly demonstrate, superior knowledge or intelligence.
    Never curse a white person.
    Never laugh derisively at a white person.
    Never comment upon the appearance of a white female.

    Oh… And there is also reckless eyeballing, also known as the male gaze. I’ve got to go for a meeting, or I’d continue the demonstration.

    • conlakappa
      April 20, 2018 at 6:28 pm

      You have written a lot of words, the response to which will take less:

      Luvvie wrote about her black-woman perspective, which she is entitled to do. You want to draft one from a WM’s? Have at it. Where’s your blog? You so clearly don’t know the origin of “reckless eyeballing” or you might not have used it.

      You wrote this today so you should know by now that the two gentlemen were in Starbucks all of 2 minutes before the manager called the police. That is what constitutes loitering? Refusal? Heck, enough time to even place an order? Never let facts get in the way of umbrage.

      • BlackANDWhite
        April 21, 2018 at 10:39 am

        I don’t agree with everything the man you replied to said but he has a right to say it just like the author has a right to her article. This is a public post asking for comments.

        • conlakappa
          April 21, 2018 at 4:29 pm

          How circular. He came to someone else’s blog to complain about the content of said blog, asking that *his* stories/perspective be addressed in what sure seemed like *he* was blogging. You do get that, don’t you?

          He also was uninformed about the sequence of events at Starbucks. You did get that? Clearly, YMMV.

    • Macklin
      May 8, 2018 at 10:40 am

      Mark, have you even been to a Starbucks? There are plenty of people running their businesses out of Starbucks who never order anything. I own my own business and have waited in Starbucks for clients or colleagues without ordering anything because I have the common decency to wait until my guests arrive before ordering. If sitting in Starbucks without ordering constitutes loitering then 1) They should put a sign up, which they won’t do because people hanging out there is part of their business model, and 2) They should have been throwing out all kinds of folks before now. The bottomline is we live in a fluid economy where people are working all over the place. Starbucks is benefitting from this aspect of our working world and they need to train their managers on how to manage this new normal. As for attempting to school Black women on behavior, your tone and discourse says you need to check yourself. I don’t believe in wholesale accusations, but this forum has revealed a very real phenomenon that is worth acknowledging. I also will acknowledge that the #metoo movement, while achieving some very real reckoning for some egregious bad actors, might also be weaponized to attack and remove men, white and black, from their jobs without significant evidence. This is one of the reasons why I am ambivalent this movement, but your behavior here is reinforcing why I should support it.

  41. April 20, 2018 at 12:15 pm

    Thank you for this !!! I’m a brown man with a white ex-wife. This torment she put me through because of those “tears”…

    • ThanksButNo
      April 21, 2018 at 11:54 am

      Bet you haven’t quit em yet tho.

      • Janel
        April 21, 2018 at 3:28 pm

        LMAO!!! you are so right!!

      • ChilePlease
        May 5, 2018 at 9:53 pm

        You read my mind… lol

  42. Kat
    April 21, 2018 at 12:07 am

    I’m another WW who sometimes cries easily, and I do hate it. I’ve gotten better about it, (part of it is due to an anxiety disorder I think), and most of the time I can wait until I’m by myself. Still not fun.
    THAT BEING SAID, it’s MY problem. I’m not going to blame anyone else, or use it to get what I want. I do not WANT people to give me anything for crying. I hate pity. If I fuck up, let me know, and I’ll apologize and try and make things right. Really.

  43. L.
    April 21, 2018 at 9:53 am

    WOMEN in general have a harder time stopping tears because they have shallower tear ducts than men. Also because they have far more of the hormone prolactin than women.

    Scientific Fact:

    Men that undergo hormone treatment find themselves crying very easily.

  44. Natasha
    April 21, 2018 at 10:18 am

    OMG I can’t even count the number of times some white woman has pulled this stunt on me at work!!! I LITERALLY just had this happen a month ago and right now she’s madder than a wet hen that I shut her all the way down and she couldn’t get her way. They really think that their white woman tears is the solution to everything even when they are so wrong Ray Charles from the grave can see it.

  45. BlackANDWhite
    April 21, 2018 at 10:31 am

    I’m mixed black and white. And I’m so tired of this hatred and divide I keep seeing. My fathers side is black and my mothers side is white. I see the hate when my fathers side talks about white women. And how does that make me feel? Am I in a state of being forever cursed in your eyes and the eyes of other black women because I have a white mama. Stop blaming white women for everything. When women should be coming together there is still so much hate.

    • No time
      April 21, 2018 at 3:29 pm

      *rolls eyes*

      • conlakappa
        April 21, 2018 at 4:31 pm

        You know?

    • Kid Sundance
      April 24, 2018 at 12:47 am

      Be honest, by “women should be coming together,” what you really mean is that Black women and WoC should unconditionally support WW.

      Otherwise, if you actually cared about ALL women’s well-being and support, you would not have rebranded these Black Women’s experiences in being victimized as us being “hateful.” By your own advice, you should be support BW who were victimized at school, work, home, stores, society, online, etc. by WW aggressors and manipulators. But you are not. In fact, your ridiculous response is in fact proving the article’s thesis.

      For a mixed person, you turned that narrative around and victim-blamed BW frighteningly fast and with nauseating ease. But honestly you seem like a troll based on this and other comments of yours, so you probably did it on purpose. If you’re not a troll, I truly pity the job your black dad and white mom did in raising their mixed daughter.

    • Althea
      April 26, 2018 at 6:02 am

      This is something that infuriates me about you mixed race people, not all blah blah blah, you cannot handle the truth about race, racial politics and anything from a black woman’s experience that makes YOU feel uncomfortable, you call it hate and blaming. Erm it’s NOT. It’s our diverse and divergent experiences of being black women, living our lives right across the Diaspora and the world. (if you care to review the article and the comments you will note that black women are sharing OUR experiences in America, Europe and Africa)
      Thanks to Luvvie, we will continue to articulate our ACTUAL experiences on this thread so that we can all compare notes, vent, laugh, get new tactics and feel a nebulous sisterhood, you will have to deal….OR NOT. A lot of mixed women keep talking about “coming together” and “stop blaming” which is just empty rhetoric. This is why I’ve had to eliminate confused mixed race women from my friendship groups. Colleagues? yes. Friends? Not a chance.
      I’ll summarise it for you: RACIAL PREJUDICE., DISCRIMINATION and WHITE WOMEN MANIPULATION is a thing. A very real thing. Deny it all you want.
      A BW in Canada.

    • lprlpr
      May 3, 2018 at 8:42 pm

      Take it to the altar honey, we aren’t responsible for your feelings or your tragic mulatto story.

      While you are at please ask someone to bless you with reading comprehension skills because it’s clear this post went way over your head.

    • OhPlease
      May 5, 2018 at 10:03 pm

      YAWN- I’ve seen your type so many times. Understand that it is your white mama who rocks the cradle and poisons your mind by making you think somehow you are better than black women and a gift to black men. When you finally figure out that you eat, breathe and poop like the everyone else and are not special in the eyes of either race, this is when your angst sets in. You would do well to read and watch both versions of the movie, “Imitation of Life” and seek to understand the black side that you want so desperately to disassociate yourself from. Don’t be another tragic mullato only embracing your “black side” once you realize your white side won’t grant you any privledges.

  46. Kajani500
    April 21, 2018 at 11:46 am


    The number of folks taking “WW tears” literally in this post is so frustrating. Yes, women tend to cry more than men in general. Nobody is attacking women for any emotional display when overwhelmed. But when folks say “WW tears”, what they really mean is manipulation and control.

    No… your co-worker who bursts into tears because she was reprimanded isn’t being shamed for having feelings. But if she’s being reprimanded for her hurtful or negative actions and she cries to elicit sympathy or flip the situation to become the victim and avoid accountability, yeah…THAT is a problem.

    Stop reducing this to “oh, I’d never cry at work…” and read to understand. It’s not the tears that are the issue. It’s the manipulation and victim playing. There don’t even have to be actual tears. A WW saying a POC is intimidating or threatening with no actual offense to justify the charge is akin to a cop saying “I feared for my life.” The weaponization of “WW tears” isn’t in the actual tears themselves, but in her insistence that no matter who the aggressor is, she’s always the victim. THAT is what’s being discussed. So please take your “Ugh…I hate when girls cry too” misunderstanding somewhere else. That weaponization has ended LIVES. The tears were just the selling point securing the death warrant.

    • conlakappa
      April 21, 2018 at 4:38 pm

      Yeah, I will be sending this to my mother who had a direct-report complain to the head of school that she “felt intimidated” by my mother reprimanding her. My mother was nearly 70, is barely 5’2″, and speaks in a high-pitched voice. But she tried to put my mother in the Angry Black Woman box while having an attendance problem.

    • ImFedUp SoNow YouCanSitDown
      April 22, 2018 at 12:52 pm

      Slow clap. ????????????????????

    • Kid Sundance
      April 24, 2018 at 1:27 am

      Kajani500, you just educated so many one-dimensional people giving themselves pats on the back for doing the bare minimum. Watch out though, they might start crying when they realized they probably have done this manipulation and victim-playing to Black bodies but with their eyes dry.

      “The tears were just the selling point securing the death warrant.”

      Dang! I got that feeling of finishing an enlightening book just by reading that one sentence of yours. Please tell me you write. If you don’t, you definitely should.

  47. Mellissa
    April 21, 2018 at 1:34 pm

    I have dealt with this at my workplace being called “intimidating” by WW and always feel like I have to be especially careful not to make WW cry. Meanwhile they have every opportunity to critic me and are allowed to be awful. I agree with Kanjani500, WW use tears to ensure the death warrant to their alleged victimization. ????

  48. April 21, 2018 at 3:54 pm


  49. Kaydub
    April 21, 2018 at 4:58 pm

    I recently withdrew from consideration after the final interview for an executive position because my direct reports were two needy (our “chat” during lunch was ne interviewing them for this exact trait) young white women who I knew would stab me in the back with their tears and whining the first chance they got – esp since the task we would be asked to accomplish was impossible with the model the org was using. I saw the set up for what it was and withdrew.

    …but I learned after my college experience to cry first and use their same tricks against them. It throws them off their game COMPLETELY and they can’t handle being the one labeled the aggressor who reduced you to an emotional state! It’s thoroughly entertaining watching them try to regroup and find a new “out.” #trappedrat #gamerecognized

  50. Nell
    April 21, 2018 at 10:50 pm

    In my job as a supervisor a WW pulled this mess because SHE didn’t do what I asked her to do. I called her on it because her inability or unwillingness to follow directions set our project back 2 weeks and costed our department money. She cried and ran and told my supervisor that I was “mean to her”!!!! I was floored. She was a grown ass woman AND she was wrong. Luckily, my supervisor, a white male, wasn’t having it. He told her she wouldn’t be crying if she had followed directions, but she tried it though.

  51. Marjane Carvalho
    April 22, 2018 at 3:08 am

    Hi, I am a white lady and I don’t believe in using tears to manipulate people, in fact I fight against it in myself, I really don’t like when I have the urge to cry instead of defending myself with tears, let alone use it against someone else. I am sorry about these things you go through and to be honest I never thought about it before but it is truly unfair and I am sorry!!!

  52. Curious about it
    April 22, 2018 at 7:26 am

    Curious why you chose the name Lorelei in the article?

    • Eleanor
      April 22, 2018 at 9:32 am

      Are you white? If so then this would explain your feigned curiosity. If you are black, then no explanation is needed.

  53. Eleanor
    April 22, 2018 at 9:30 am

    Happens here in the UK too. I was working for a private company which helped to unemployed people back into work. I was the only black woman working alongside an older white woman.

    One afternoon, she asked me if I could see a client of hers who she could not relate to. I am quite a creative person, and this “client” was an artist and I happily agreed to see the man the following morning when he was due to visit the office. The following morning, I went to this colleague and told her that I had a few ideas to discuss with this man and she looked at me with feigned horror. The boss was actually in the office that day and she proclaimed that she did not understand why I was wanting to see her client. I responded to her with utter confusion. I felt as is somehow I must be going a bit mad and that I must have imagined the conversation we had the day before – but of course, I knew the reality, but, she was attempting to make me feel as if I created the conversation from my own false imaginings. She took the boss to one side and started to complain and cry about how I was attempting to undermine her by poaching her clients. The boss then took me to one side and gave me a written warning. I was in tears as I told him that she was simply not telling the truth. He did not believe me. I left the company the next day and never went back. This is but one of similar encounters with white people.

    My brother, who attended a special school (and despite having moderate learning difficulties is a lorry/truck driver) has experienced the same sort of thing – so has my mother, my deceased father, my sister…. It also does not matter if you carry around a dictaphone or video record what happens – much the same way in which police brutality is recorded and nothing is done. In my opinion most white PEOPLE are dangerous and in work situations they can cost you your livelihood.

  54. Alexa
    April 22, 2018 at 5:04 pm

    I had this happen at work a few years ago. I was a lead at my job and my boyfriend and I worked at the same job (we got together BEFORE I was promoted and everyone in the office was well aware of it).

    One day a WW (someone I had considered a friend) was being inappropriate and talking about having her nipples pierced and everytime she would get angry at a customer she would go outside and punch the vending machines or she would punch the walls. I’d seen the preference she was given in the office so I didn’t say anything when she was talking about her nipples, I just gave a her a look like “quit talking about that.”

    She went outside just because I gave her a look and began throwing a tantrum. Later when I was taking my break in the break room with my bf she came and put her FULL CHEST on his back as she reached over him for something and he told her not to do that. It was full on sexual harrassment as an attempt to piss me off. Later when another WW coworker came in (who was racist) she asked my bf to hand her the piece of paper instead of reaching over him and I said, “Thank you for not putting your titties on my bf’s back.” Her and the other white girl got so offended that they went and complained, lied and said that I was spreading rumors about her, and as a result there was an investigation. I was told in the office that because I’m a lead I should “expect” behavior where WW put their body parts on my bf. I feel that this is another conversation that should be had. WW sexually harrassing black men in the workplace because they’re “supposed” to like it. That wasn’t the only time I’d seen that type of behavior directed at my bf, even before we’d gotten together.

    We both got suspended but she only got suspended for appearances sake. When we came back I was demoted and sent to work in horrible conditions and she was allowed to stay in the office. She apologized to me for her behavior towards me a year later on FB but since then I steer clear of WW at work.

    They are the worse and most sneaky type of bullies that I’ve even seen in my life and when you stand up for yourself, they will claim victim. It’s ridiculous.

  55. April 22, 2018 at 6:28 pm

    This is an eye-opener for understanding a situation that I’ve experienced with a WW. It is all tied into their sense of entitlement and the bigoted belief that Black women are strong Mammies. No matter how much they verbally abuse us, cry, wrongfully accuse us, etc. we are suppose to say “Come here child” and give them hugs. If not, then they believe we are wrong for rejecting their entitlement. That means more tears out of anger.

  56. Dee
    April 23, 2018 at 10:30 am

    “White women tears are especially potent and extra salty because they are attached to the symbol of femininity. These tears are pouring out from the eyes of the one chosen to be the prototype of womanhood; the woman who has been painted as helpless against the whims of the world. The one who gets the most protection in a world that does a shitty job overall of cherishing women”.

    Luvvie, truly she who knows it feels it….. This piece of yours says so much that needed to be said. Thank you for writing in a way that makes me feel like I’ve just laid one of my burdens down. The feeling of release and relief is mighty.

  57. Stacy
    April 23, 2018 at 1:39 pm

    I had a situation at work where two white coworkers confronted me about something AFTER a staff meeting. I mean they were finishing each other’s sentences so it was obvious they had had a discussion after the meeting. As I was standing there defending myself I realized that I didn’t owe them an explanation and if they had questions they should’ve been brought up in the staff meeting. I also felt myself getting angry so I ended the conversation and walked away. After our next staff meeting I asked the two of them to stay behind because I wanted to speak with them. I told them how I didn’t appreciate them questioning and confronting me in that way.

    It wasn’t necessarily what they said but how they said it that was the issue. The rapid blinking started immediately. They both apologized profusely. I got up and walked into our main office. I’m checking my mailbox and turn around to find one in complete hysterics behind me. She was crying so hard she couldn’t even speak. I just stood there for a second but then put my arm around her and told her to stop crying that everything’s fine. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have comforted her because now it looks like the scary WOC made the poor white woman cry.

  58. BK
    April 23, 2018 at 2:43 pm

    Kim Z and her performance from last night’s reunion is a classic case of white women tears.

  59. LH
    April 23, 2018 at 5:55 pm

    This is such important writing for WW to read. Thank you for sharing! As a WW, I will be much more attuned to calling this out when I see it.

  60. Color me confused
    April 23, 2018 at 10:56 pm

    Wow… just wow! I feel like if a white person were to have written this about WOC we would have had a lot of comments about how racist it is. Funny how the double standard is. You can’t dislike all WW because one or two dumbasses realized that they could pull the water works to get their way. People just need to quit categorizing everyone. How are we to become a united nation when people are so quick to assume that so in so is going to act this way just because of the color of their skin?

    • Kid Sundance
      April 24, 2018 at 1:11 am

      White people have actually written very racist articles AND gotten away with it. Also WW have written white tears articles about BW and we’re commended for their “bravery” which is just jealous shade thrown at BW. Remember the outcry from WW bloggers/writers about how Beyonce shouldn’t be so happy and public about her pregnancy for various jealous salty reasons?

      Where in here did she say she disliked all WW? Nowhere. And it’s not just “one or two dumbasses”, it is literally a cultural mechanism that WW have learned to use to work in their favor for centuries. You honestly think that BW and WW get treated the same in this world? Especially in the US and UK?

      You notice it, you just don’t see a problem with it because not only is it normalized for you, but it doesn’t harm you. You don’t care about the people it harms and you for damn sure don’t want a ” United nation” when you ignore people who are victimized in all aspects of life and their livelihood because of WW’s manipulation and tears. You sound just like one of the WW who cry to get her way no matter who gets hurt in the process.

      Probably unbeknownst to you, you sound exactly like those misogynist dudebros who think that sexism is a double standard. But I bet you’d call them out on their sexism, huh? Funny how ignorant people like you cannot make this connection between victims of sexism and racism as well as intersectionality.

  61. latanya
    April 24, 2018 at 6:42 pm

    if i had a dime for every job/full time – part time- side gig i’ve had and experienced this i’d build my own island for black women only. The WW who called me ‘girlfriend’ instead of using my name. Or instead of calling me Latanya, it’s latasha, shakesha, everything but my name. The WM who mocked me constantly and didn’t understand why i didn’t find it funny, the Asian HR lady and my white male boss who did nothing to a young WW who exploded on me because I verbally went off on her dr. note BS and being stuck working night shifts. OVER and over and over…and they think it’s funny. i’ve learned to IGNORE THEM. it’s a win win. They hate it bc i’ve learned essentially WW need to be liked. when they feel u don’t like them, they can’t handle it so they act out. Now in my 40’s I don’t care what you think of me since it’s not my problem, it’s YOURS. I speak and keep it moving while keeping my distance. Everyone is not your friend.

  62. Ursula
    April 24, 2018 at 11:12 pm

    WW here. This post and the thread are so thought provoking. I can think of 3 times in my life that I have cried to get my way: once in an airport and twice to get my kid a doctor’s appt. I didn’t know/consider that tears as a way of making things happen when I felt desperate and couldn’t figure out how else to get what I needed was an element of privilege. I’m gonna sit back and think about this more. Not sorry I’ve cried to get my sick kid an appt. Do not want to use tears as a weapon or to minimize others voices.
    Thanks for the post and comments.

  63. […] Awesomely Luvvie: A blog created and written by Luvvie Ajayi, the “Wacky Words, Side-Eye Sorceress, and the Witch of Wit,” herself.  If you don’t know who Luvvie Ajayi, she one of the most hilarious and writer that I personally have ever read. As one who is sarcastic, nonchalant, and has a smart mouth I relate to her on a great scale. She discusses everything from racial issues and beauty ( my personal favorite About the Weary Weaponizing of White Woman Tears). She is also the author of New York Best Seller, “I’m Judging You: The Do-Better Manual.”  […]

  64. Rebecca
    April 25, 2018 at 4:56 pm

    As a white woman, I first want to say I cannot believe how prevalent a thing this is – how crazy! I really wish I had something more to say than has already been said. It shouldn’t be happening at all. Secondly, I want to say that while I have cried from being overwhelmed (especially in an authority figure situation), I have never used my tears in order to manipulate anyone or to be appeased since I became an adult. Every time I cry in public I am embarrassed more than anything. I don’t want people to know it has happened. It makes me feel like some damsel in distress and that is one of the last things I want to resemble. Also, I am one of the few (from just my personal experience) who actually WANTS to be called out on something. I even had to teach my best friend to do this. We were both raised that it was better to be polite than to be honest and that if anyone who isn’t your boss or your family points out anything to you that you could improve on, that person is jealous or is just being mean or is trying to knock you down in order to rise above you. Even if it is something that is completely true. That even best friends shouldn’t be 100% honest because that is not what a friend is. I don’t know why this was a lesson passed on to us but I have dealt with it with friends and colleagues and myself over and over and over again the past 15 years I’ve been an adult. I refuse to participate in it, which makes me pretty unpopular sometimes, but I can take it as well as I can dish it out. I try never to be harsh, just honest in a friendly and understanding empathetic way. Sometimes I miss the mark, but it is always my aim. I think that hand-me-down lesson is one of the reasons I have cried in front of authority figures and been appeased for doing so – we can’t let the girl have her feelings hurt or feel bad for not being on top of things! What does this help? Who does this help? I would love to put an end to it. The development of strength of character over innocence and protection from the world until it hits us in the face.

  65. C
    April 30, 2018 at 4:19 pm

    Just got done listening to your Ted Talk Luuvie and I was so inspired that I had to look you up and know more about you. I read this article and have never heard of white woman tears. In all honesty, even from my perspective as a white woman, this has even happened to me. I am not saying that there is not such a thing as white women doing this to black women, but from my perspective, it’s done everywhere and even to each other. Early in my marriage, I use to think it was a way to get my husbands attention because that is what my mom did to me. However, I learned pretty quick that it was manipulation and I wanted no part of that. The reason I like your talk so much is that I like people who are straightforward and are not afraid to speak their truth. However, I don’t think this manipulative way of being is subject only to black people. This sad technique of manipulation can be used by anyone with a victim mentality ON anyone that will pay attention to it, regardless of color.

  66. Zanele
    May 3, 2018 at 3:13 am

    Reading this article and I just had a flash black to my primary school days in South Africa when a WW teacher approached my friends and I about not speaking Zulu to each other, because a little white girl (not part of group) was crying that she didn’t understand what we were saying and felt we were talking about her. Even after stating that we weren’t even looking in her direction, we were told that we’re not allowed to speak Zulu on school premises anyway, so we should just stop.
    We were all 7 and 8 years old at the time but could still detect the bull shit.
    Anyway, they start out early and grow up with that shit.

  67. StopTheInsanity
    May 5, 2018 at 3:39 pm

    Wow- this sums up the 1st half of my working adult life right here. I remember sitting on a call at a job once with a WW supervisor. She was talking to a BM customer in another state on speakerphone. When she hung up the phone and recounted her conversation to another WM, she made it sound as if the BM had told her off. I was sitting right there next to her and the conversation was not that way at all. He hadn’t raised his voice or anything. I was in disbelief and almost started doubting what I heard with my own two ears until I came to my senses. I figured out soon she was a conniving, manipulative, you know what and avoided her as much as I possibly could, which was impossible since she was my direct super. She figured out a way to get me fired by lying to the WW manager who was having marital problems and barely in the office. It was an at-will company so they didn’t need a reason. Now I would never stand for such a thing, but you live and you learn.

  68. Beloved
    May 6, 2018 at 5:36 am

    At my previous position, the Director was a passive-aggressive WW who cried all the time. I was one of two WOC on the team. And, when the Director shed tears in our weekly meetings, everyone would coddle her or pretend to emphatize with her plight. Not I. Her tears angered me. To hide my lack of concern for her tears, I would pretend that I was taking notes while the others eagerly jumped on the pity her wagon. While our team was comprised of 8 females, our meetings included males from other teams, some of whom were Directors and a couple of CEOs. This Director cried everywhere. I never understood why she always resulted to crying as in my eyes, doing so made her appear weak and not fit to lead. However, crying all the time did not prevent this WW from getting promoted twice prior to my leaving that company. I know for a fact that as a WOC, I would have *no* opportunities if I cried in *any* meeting.

  69. […] is what that writers’ festival audience member was demonstrating, and what blogger and author Luvvie Ajayi called the “weary weaponising of white women’s […]

  70. Liesl
    May 8, 2018 at 11:48 am

    Wow, that sucks. I haven’t experienced an interaction like this specifically, but have some thoughts. (I’m a white woman and have cried ONCE at work, but…I was 22 and my fiance broke up with me on the phone. I felt like a stupid loser, basically. I was sad, but also humiliated because I got dumped, and I also felt embarrassed by the tears because I looked weak.)

    Obviously, using tears to get out of a ticket or a telling-off by a boss is straight-up manipulation, but I think some of the crying you mention = “unfairness tears.” It’s “UNFAIR that someone thinks x about me” (true or not) or “UNFAIR that I’m not the one being listened to in this interaction.” Whether it’s actually unfair or not isn’t the point — the person seriously THINKS it’s unfair. Some of it is unconscious passive-aggression because it’s internalized that it’s not “nice” or it’s thought to be too bitchy for women to disagree with someone verbally, so tears happen so they can be the poor emo victim in the incident instead of being the bitchy one, just like the preschool kid who’s crying gets the hugs even if they’re actually the one being the mean little jerkoff who got the toy first…it just wasn’t FAIR they weren’t getting their way. It’s definitely an entitled and immature worldview, and it works on men because women haven’t had power over men, but tears have worked as an appeal to that power. It’s just been transferred to other interactions because apparently it works there, too.

  71. Cypher
    May 9, 2018 at 11:26 am

    Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we now started to try and acknowledge and validate the emotions of WOC, instead of continuing to normalise the “strong Black woman” stereotype.

  72. Old White Man
    May 10, 2018 at 6:46 am

    Racist rubbish. You even capitalize “Black” but not “white”. Zero sympathy.

  73. NoWWNoCry
    May 10, 2018 at 10:26 am

    I’m a WW and I did once cry about mockery of my physical characteristics and a disability by a sadistic female colleague who happened to be Asian. But I didn’t cry in front of anyone.

  74. […] sounds sucky. But then add “what blogger and author Luvvie Ajayi called the ‘weary weaponizing of white women’s tears,’ and those whimpering waterworks wash […]

  75. Elaine
    May 12, 2018 at 7:51 am

    Luvvie, are you going to write about that white woman at Yale who called the cops on TWO black students for doing harmless things: getting lost in a stairwell and taking a nap in a common room? This might be an interesting example for your case, because white woman tears can lead to unwarranted police intervention (which thankfully, in these two cases, didn’t lead to violence or death – but in other cases could).

  76. […] is what that writers festival audience member was demonstrating, and what blogger and author Luvvie Ajayi called the weary weaponising of white womens […]