The Pairing Of Our Nightmares: Ann Coulter and Jimmy Walker

A recent AOL story is alleging that walking horcrux Ann Coulter is dating former ‘Good Times’ star and perfect prototype for potential unrealized Jimmie Walker. While some people are saying that this is old news, it was new information to me. I needed time to process it. And I don’t know who I’m more embarrassed for: Jimmie or Ann.

Legit, what is this even? How did it happen? In what world does this make sense? Yes, I get that Uncle Ruckus is a Republican and Ann Coulter is the mouthpiece for Mein Trumpf’s agenda. Yet and still. This ain’t right.

I just wonder when Jimmie got sent to the sunken place. And what white man stole his body. Also, what about him did they want? It surely ain’t swag or good looks or athletic prowess. Because Jimmie outchea looking every bit like what he been through.

OH THEY WANTED HIS EYES. Doesn’t he paint? Bless.

This makes me wanna vomit in my own mouth. This literally leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I had to go gargle with peppermint water at the thought of it.

James Evans didn’t steal away to Jesus for this.

Anywho, I dropped this info on my Facebook pages, and my audience, being the Team No Chill that they are, went IN. I read their comments and laughed til I was crying. Like, tears streaming down my face. Folks really are chill-deficient.

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Tina: This is the driest, cracklediest, photo I’ve seen in a while. This pic needs fluids asap.

Luvvie: This is the pairing of your nightmares.

Ajani: Before today, my nightmares never DARED to concoct such a travesty. I need a hug.

They have been together for awhile. I guess Walker is a perfect last name for both of them since they both look like they died in 1997 and reanimated…This is what happens when people stop praying

LaKeshia: I hope that bedroom gets extra dark at night, for both their sakes. P.S: he looks like a dried up cocoa puff.

Ambrey: They walking around looking like the 9th sequel to Get Out.

Danita: Is there anything in Revelations that this potentially symbolizes/signifies? I feel like Jesus gotta have his Ashton Punk’d grin on just behind some cloud.

Jacqueline: At least if he’s also super-conservative and odious, I guess they’re maybe sparing every other single person on the planet a world of pain by removing themselves from general circulation? And they’re unlikely to reproduce. That’s about all the silver lining I can find.

Danielle: He is flat broke and she funds his lifestyle. That’s got to be the reason why he’s gone awhoring with Satan’s baby sister. That’s also why he looks like he babysat Methuselah.

Leesa: They’ve been friends for a long time I know that for sure. Before him she was dating a Middle Eastern Man….which makes me believe A. Her idiotic behavior is just a publicity stunt for money or B. There are way more stupid Men out there than I can count.

Morris: His face is reminiscent of wooden leather (a case where black did indeed crack) and them heaux age in dog years. God said no.

Martha: I hear he’s dyn-o-mite in the sack. (so sorry, couldn’t resist)

Mersedeh: I feel like this is the real world version of that Seinfeld episode, where one of Jerry’s comedian friends wants to convert to Judaism and Jerry is convinced it’s because he wants to write jokes about Jews. Now Ann can say…I’m not racist! I’m dating a black guy!

Iliana:  I just looked at my calendar to make sure it wasn’t still April Fools Day.

Kim: Those eyes don’t look like they’ve been well since James Evans died.

Ayanna: I’ve been hearing this since I’ve been hearing her name. Meh. The National Black Delegation would gladly trade him for Harry Connick Jr.

Kim: This works perfectly. She gets black penis without black lifestyle. It’s just like diet Dr Pepper. All of the flavor without the calories.

Tasha: To quote another famous sitcom actor… “what you talkin bout Willis?” LOL

Twila: I am NOT surprised!! I read where he was a STAUNCH republican years ago. Also, he been liking “Beckys”. In my opinion, NO LOSS TO THE SISTERS!

Michelle:  Every day since Jan 20, 2017 , I’m living in an alternate universe!! Capt. Kirk and Mr Sulu need to save me already!!!

Maritza: Article says he “holds extremely conservative political views” is that supposed to mean he can’t figure out when someone is just a freaking racist?

Stacia: So THAT’S why his Black is cracking! He looks hundreds of years old.

Jason: JJ looks like someone put a Cadbury Easter egg in the microwave just long enough for it to start to melt, but it still holding shape.

Cheri: That is by far the most unattractive couple I have ever seen.

Kim: Not surprised, and not sad at all. Ann Coulter keeping Jimmie Walker busy is the kindest thing either of them has ever done for the black community. I approve and sanction this union. May they last until Jimmy’s complexion picks one color and one texture and stays there.

Kyna:  I am not into horror movies so I have not seen the movie Get Out. But I am pretty sure if it leads to a coupling like this…the blood of Jesus is needed to banish some demons. We are truly in the upside down.

Sara: Sweet fancy Moses, what fucking glitch in the matrix allowed this to happen??

Kagnie: April fools was three days ago…bc this is foolish.

Jacqueline: d must be dy-no-mite

Niki: They have been together for awhile. I guess Walker is a perfect last name for both of them since they both look like they died in 1997 and reanimated…

Latisha: It was revealed these two were messing around a few years back. I need the blood of James Evans Sr and the spirit of Dy-No-Mite greeting card company to cover him if this is true.

Corinne: Well then she’s not racist. She has black friend.

Michelle: This is precisely why they should have never killed off James! #BlackFathersMatter

Ty: JJ has been dating The Coultergeist (h/t Keith Olbermann) for years now. It’s a match made in, let’s say, the Third Circle of Hell.

SeKisha: He looks like he shouldn’t be with anyone but the Lord. #WalkingDead

Stesha: That’s why his ish cracking. The heavens ain’t happy. Water or 345 trillions pounds of hydrating lotion won’t help. It’s too late.

Carrie: His eyes scream “Help me. Send Jesus, it’s that serious.” #judgeherjesus

TJ: Yea they’ve been “special friends” for years and he’s always been different, always gone out of his way to state how conservative or progressive he is. I stopped caring about his opinion when he tripped Thelma’s husband and ruined his football career.

Levnya: Hey look at the bright side. At least they can’t reproduce.

Latisha: This is the real reason why Florida Evans smashed that punch bowl and hollered Damn Damn Damn! This was predicted 40 years ago!

Osoojee: Ummm y’all don’t remember the Boondocks episode about this? These cartoons are the real Nostradamus; the Simpson’s predicted a Trump presidency.

Shania: The bottom of the barrel has a huge scrape in it…

George: This is actually great news because before seeing that picture and reading the headline, I thought Jimmy was dead.

Alex: I’m not sure this picture counts as proof of life.

Kenyetta: JJ probably got snatched at the height of his career and has been in the sunken place ever since. They thought he was going to be more famous than he actually turned out to be.

Sia: Good for them. He is just heinous as she is. I shall never forgive his reported disrespect for Ms. Esther Rolle. He ain’t never liked us.

Mak:  Is this really a loss for us though Luvvie? James out here looking like he’s dipped in the ash of ten thousand shea-butterless summers! Have mercy fatha!

Shanee: Jimmy is in the sunken place. Look at his eyes. He’s aging like a banana.

Essence: She can have uncle fester.

Joy: 1. Proof, that yes, Black CAN crack. 2. Doesn’t even matter the status of the melanin, Beckys will always love Black men.

Cassonade: Wait, you hate black people but it’s ok for a black penis to slither on down your dried up cave? You know what? It’s still lent. *Books confession for tomorrow*

Shameeka: *passes JehJeh the cucumbers from my salad* His eyes need them more than my GI tract.

Maxine: Who knew that gollums and crypt keepers dated each other?

Tamika: I’m sorry….his face is frightening. AND WHERE ARE HIS EYeBROWS?

Alex: Jesus snatched them back up. He can’t have nice things anymore.

I’m done. I quit everyone.