The Maury Povich Show is a National Treasure
I googled and it says the Maury Povich show first aired on September 9, 1991. That show is only 6 years younger than me. WOWSIES. I just wanted to do an ode to one of the funniest, most foolery-filled shows on television. Even to this day, Maury is unfuggwitable because he is an enabler of shenanigans.
Yesterday, we found out that Abstinence Ambassador and shirker of pre-marital sex, Bristol Palin, is pregnant with her second child. I’m not mad at her because I think her own mother is the one thrusting all this “no sex” thing at her. The girl just wants to get her cookies off. I just don’t want to see her on Maury talmbout “I THOUGHT IT WAS HIMMM” on a quest for who the father of her child is. Or do I? That would make for a good ass show.
I thoroughly enjoy Maury’s show for the characters that come on and act like they skipped every biology class they were supposed to take in middle and high school. They are forever flabbergasted at the “HE IS NOT THE FATHER” that Maury reads off, as if it was a definite when they know good and damb well they slept with more than that joker they just trotted on stage in the month they got knocked up.
I am especially a fan of when they’re told that the dummy in the shirt buttoned up to his throat is not the daddy. Homegirl will sprint backstage past the elevators before hitting that *wall slide* and bawl about how she just knew he was the daddeh.
This woman ran clean the hell out the building. LMAOOOOO!!! Her FitBit musta been pleased on that day. All those steps.
The poor cameraman follows them, running and shooting steadily. Maury’s camera men prolly gotta interview for the job by sprinting with a large camera on their shoulders. You need to run and shoot. RUN AND SHOOT.
Then Maury joins the sobbing woman backstage to assure her that he will not give up hope. I love me some Maury because he is so optimistic even in the face of Lost Love Pockets. “It’s ok, Jennifer. We will help you you find little Shittake’s daddy.” NAWL. Meanwhile, Cornell is on stage doing cartwheels and pumping his chest like he just won a wrestling match. I cackle every single time.
After all that “LOOK AT HIS LEFT NOSTRIL, MAURY! HE IS THE FATHER. MAURY. I KNOW IT’S HIM. HE IS THE DADDY. THEY GOT THE SAME EARLOBE.” Maury be like: “Did you sleep with anyone else?” “NAWL, MAURY! I SWEAR.” Girl, bye. Science says you a bold ass lie.
The guys on Maury are equally ridiculous, though. “MAURY. I KNOW I AIN’T THE DADDY. I PULLED OUT.” Sir, if you don’t get your goofass out the paint!
“I know I’m not the daddy, Maury. I didn’t even finish. Because I slept with her mother before I even saw her!” What’s that gotta do with the price of condoms in Amsterdam, fool??
“MAURY! THAT BABY CAN’T BE MINE. HIS HEAD TOO BIG.” Or “I don’t even make girls! AIN’T ONE GIRL ON MY SIDE OF THE FAMILY.”
“How are you sure this baby isn’t yours, Vesuvius?” “BECAUSE I TRICKED HER. I DIDN’T REALLY COME.” All of this comes before they assure him “I TAKE CARE OF MINES, MAURY.” And they always got braids past the point of age acceptability.
Meanwhile, I’m at home crying laughing. Where do they find these idiots?? These intergalactic imbeciles. I don’t know how Maury gets through his shows without falling out his chair laughing. I really don’t understand his magic powers.
I still remember the Maury show when a woman brought her 12th man to get tested to find out who was her son’s daddy. #12 was not it. I was like now YOU have done the most. How are you gonna bring 12 men?? Is your Love Pocket involved in a DNA spades game? Why is the paternity of your children 12 and a possible? Maury’s ol’ petty ass was like “we will help you find him.” WHERE, MAURY?!? If man #12 ain’t it, I’d just have to tell you to let it go. She even told him that the only other option was dead. Chile… I was THROUGH.
I was talmbout this on Twitter and so many people remembered this Maury legend. Her name is Marisol and she #minuswell be an employee of the show now because it turns out that she’s actually on #16 now. YouTube is where many blessings flow so I found that episode and got my LIFE for all 7 minutes of it. Watch:
Well, good for her. She found 1 out of 16 who actually fathered one of her kids. And of course the child’s name is Sha’Diamond. OF COURSE. Marisol is more ran through than a football arena. Bless her. I’m not mad at her for loving sex but all she had to do was keep a calendar. You better create a Google Calendar for your conquests. Hell. Keep track. THAT’S ALL. And use condoms. Lawdt.
I need them to do a “best of Maury Povich Show” DVD set. I might buy it. Just for the exercise inspiration alone from the backstage runs. The Maury Povich show is a national treasure.
Let me leave you with one more celebratory “you are NOT the father” dance. Learn some new moves for the next party you attend. You’re welcome!
The Maury Povich Show an anthology of fuckshit and it must stay on air forever.
P.S. I’m so sad the person behind HolyMauryMotherofGod Tumblr shut it down. It was my absolute fave. Their work in the anthropology of Maury’s mess was so important.