TV and Movies

Kill the Boy: Game of Thrones Season 5, Episode 5 Recap


Game of Thrones season 5 is halfway through now with “Kill the Boy” and this week, they tell us that “Doom rules Valyria.” Well, clearly it rules this show too, and it must be directed by Pandora, who is clearly salty that someone opened her box. And where are her dragons? Let’s talk about it.

Note: aren’t you proud that I got this recap up the night of the show? This NEVER happens. Please congratulate me. Thanks. 


From a safe distance, Brienne is watching Winterfell and Podrick thinks Sansa might be safe since she’s away from the Lannisters. NAWL. She left Satan to go to the Devil. She is not that much safer. Then, an older man comes in and Brienne asks him if she can deliver a message to the one Stark left in Winterfell. He wonders what it is to her and she says she swore an oath to Lady Stark to protect her children, and just because she’s dead doesn’t mean the oath is. True, true.

Ramsay is butt nekkid with his girl Myranda, post-coitus and she wonders about Sansa Stark. That douchecanoe rubs it in that he’s marrying her, and it’s obvious that Myranda is going to be a problem for Sansa because she’s not even trying to hide that she’s jealous.

The old woman who told Sansa that “The North Remembers” enters her room with a hushed message. If she ever needs help, she should light a candle in the highest window of the broken tower and help will come.

North 1 North 2

The North is there for her and she got people. Aaawwwww. Sansa goes to the tower and it’s the one that Bran fell from in the first episode. She’s looking up when Myranda joins her and introduces herself as the kennel master’s daughter. She says she wants to take her somewhere and Sansa goes with her (girl WHY?). Where she takes her is to the kennel and what she finds is Theon (aka Reek) in the same cage as the dogs. She’s stunned to see him and he tells her she shouldn’t be there.

Later that night, Reek confesses to Ramsay that he saw Sansa. So dinner happens, with Roose, Ramsay, Sansa and Walda (Roose’s wife). Walda must not have Googled her because she tells her that it must be weird being in a strange place.

Sansa 1 Sansa 2


Reek serves them but Ramsay calls him back to humiliate him properly, bragging about how he was punished for killing her brothers and his name is no longer Theon. Then he makes him look at Sansa and apologize for his crime, in the most slimey way. Then to add insult to injury, he says Reek can give her away at their wedding. He is such a bastard.

Meanwhile, Roose says him and Walda are expecting a baby and Ramsay doesn’t like it one bit. He’s all threatened that if it’s a boy, his position is compromised. Roose assures him that he is his son, telling him how he even came to be. His mother was the miller’s wife and when he found out she was married, he hung the miller and raped her under the tree that his body was hanging in. GAHTDAMB. These villains of Westeros, man. They do not deserve nice things. Anyway, he tells Ramsay that he will need his help keeping the North when Stannis and his man show up.

Castle Black

Maester Aemon

Maester Aemon has Samwell reading Dany’s latest updates to him, and he laments that “A Targaryen alone one the world is a terrible thing.” Lord Commander Jon Snow interrupts them and says he needs advise from the old man alone. Sam leaves and he says he has something he needs to do and it will make half of his men hate him. Before finding out what it is, Maester Aemon tells him to do whatever it is, because clearly it is necessary. “Kill the boy and let the man be born.”

Jon has summoned Tormund, the imprisoned Wilding, and says he wants him to go get all the freefolk North of the Wall. He needs them to fight with them when Winter comes, and he says if they do not, they will be the ones dying first. Tormund tells him that he refuses to kneel and Jon is like he ain’t even asked him to do all’at.

Jon Tormund 1 Jon Tormund 2

He unchains the Wildling and says he can even borrow Stannis’ ships for the journey. The dude says the only way he will go is if Jon comes with him to plead his case. Jon is his receipts. Uh oh.

Killing the boy means going through with a plan even as every man (but Sam) disagrees with it. The men of the Night’s Watch are NOT pleased because the Wildlings have been their enemies for so long. They killed Olly’s parents, and the boy is now Jon’s steward. When he’s asked what he feels, he reminds the Lord Commander that the people he wants peace with killed his entire family and burned his village down. Snow knows but he gotta do what he gotta do and I respect it.

Gilly thinks the tiny Castle Black library is where all the books that exist is, but Sam tells her the Citadel in Oldtown has the largest library. That’s where all the Maesters were trained. Stannis shows up and asks Sam how he killed the White Walkers. He used dragonglass (aka obsidian), and the general tells him to keep on reading. They will need Sam’s smarts when winter comes. Stannis has decided that it is time to invade the North, even without Jon (he’s going with the Wildlings) and he is bringing the queen and Shireen.

Before the set off for the long journey, Jon promises that he’ll bring his ships back. Davos and Shireen have a chat that I am reading into. He jokingly makes the little girl promise to protect him on the battlefield since she isn’t scared. Methinks this promise is not empty at all.



As Barristan Selmy lies in front of her, Dany is crushed because “He was a loyal friend. And he died in an alley.” He really was a confidant and the fact that he knew her people mattered. In her anger, she says she wants her army to gather the leaders of the families in Meereen. One of them is Loraq, who is standing in front of her.

Daenerys gets the men in the dungeon, because her two bad ass dragons on punishment could use a snack. She means business, and her men push one of the Patriarchs into the darkness. Immediately, the dragons come out and make human BBQ, munching on the charred and crispy man like it’s first hot weekend of the year. When she looks at Loraq like he must be next, he says “Valar Moghulis.” He ain’t gon go down like a punk. And he actually doesn’t. Dany says 1 is enough for now. There’s always tomorrow.

It’s been three days and Grey Worm finally wakes up, with Missandei next to him. He feels like he failed his men, his Queen and everyone. But mostly, he is ashamed because he was afraid when he got stabbed. Why? Because he feared never seeing Missandei again.

Missandei 1 Missandei 2

Aawwww! Unsullieds need love too.

In Dany’s room, she asks Missandei for advice. Should she go with what Barrister Selmy would want (mercy) or what Daario suggested (kill everyone)? The girl smartly tells her to “Do you, boo boo” cuz she knows the Khaleesi is an askhole. She is forever asking for advice she does not take. Dany goes into the dungeon cell where Loraq is and he tells her he doesn’t want to die and he was just boolsheeting that day when he was being all Valar Morghulis. She tells him admitting that fear was brave. Then she admits her own mistake and says she should have listened to him. The fighting pits are back on AND she plans on marrying a man from a major family in Meereen, so they know it’s real. “Thankfully, the suitor is already on his knees.” HA! She’s gonna marry Loraq and he didn’t have to go to Jared’s.

On The Run Tour

Tyrion is still bound on the boat with Jorah, but at least he’s not gagged. He still got mouth and he’s asking for wine. Homeboy is suffering from withdrawal because this forced alcohol intervention he’s on is clearly a struggle. He turns around and recognizes where they’re approaching: Valyria. That is where Daenerys is originally from, but it is also where “doom rules.” It has been decimated and even he seems petrified of it. They could have taken other routes but pirates might await them. Instead, they approach the city and see a dragon fly over them.

Dragon 1 Dragon 2

They’re no longer in Kansas, indeed. And I bet that was Dhrogon, Dany’s main delinquent reptile.

Just then, some man-like thing drops into the water in front of them. One drops into their small boat and Jorah yells that they’re Stone Men. He warns Tyrion not to touch them, and he fights them off. Mind you, Tyrion is still tied up so he can’t do much but scoot as more of these things show up. Jorah is fighting a couple when one goes towards Tyrion, who just throws himself in the water. One of them must have grabbed his leg because he gets pulled under.

Next thing, Tyrion opens his eyes and he’s laying on sand with Jorah over him. WHEW! He must have been saved at the last moment. The Stone Men are people who have Greyscale, and remember that it’s highly contagious. Jorah goes to look for wood and he stops and pulls up his sleeve. He has greyscale on his wrist.


NOooooooooo gif

They DID touch Jorah. SUMMABISH. They really do take “All Men Must die” literally on this damb show! I ALWAYS get attached to characters when death hangs over their heads like bad news mistletoe. *kicks trashcan* Does this mean it will take over his whole body or will they be able to find someone to cure him like they did Shireen, before he becomes a stone man? Man, shit. And with it being contagious, he better not give it to Tyrion. Gosh. Game of Thrones: No One Can Have Nice Things EVER should be the name of this show.

But did y’all catch all the “Jon is a Targaryen” hints that were dropped on this episode? That scene with Maester Aemon was full of them. The fact that Jon showed up right after he said “A Targaryen alone in the world is a terrible thing” is one. THEN before he told him to basically man up, he said “Allow me to give my lord one last piece of  counsel. The same counsel I once gave my brother when we parted for the last time.” MMHMMM. That’s because that is his nephew. I just KNOWED IT.

This week’s Jon Snow lusting has been sponsored by:

Jon Snow Hotness

The Son of the Fire in my Loins

As always:

Anywho, discuss! Those of you who’ve read the Game of Thrones books. SHUT YOUR TRAPS ABOUT SPOILERS TO COME IF YOU’RE COMMENTING ON MY BLOG! Don’t make me fight you and block you from ever commenting here again. That is all. JUST DISCUSS THE SHOW UP TO THIS POINT!

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  1. Kid
    May 11, 2015 at 12:20 am

    Dany know she was messed up for letting that dragon roast that man like a well done marshmallow. I was appalled and my edged were gone.

  2. Kim
    May 11, 2015 at 12:35 am

    A recap this soon!?!? Luvvie I’m so proud. You had me biting my nails last week praying the recap got up before the new episode.

  3. May 11, 2015 at 1:34 am

    Dany, Dany, Dany…don’t let your petty out – leaders don’t rule on emotion – you’re better than that. You’re queen for a reason, stop trying to rely on everyone around you as a royal crutch. Act like you got that good Mother’s Day blowout and rock your crown, boo!

    Those Boltons scare me more than I care to admit. Ramsey is literally a Little Shop of Horrors and it sounds like his brand of cuckoo came straight from daddy bird. His boo thang is one cracked egg short of a carton herself and I’m not sure she hasn’t put him AND Sansa on her target list after his psycho “don’t bore me” monologue.

    I’m excited to see what Oberyn’s “widow” bae has up her sleeve. I like that she’s so devoted to him even after death. He didn’t put a ring on it but she’s riding hard and I admire her cutthroat tendencies.

    A pint of ale to you, Lady Luvvie, for getting this up before the sun fully set on Bravos. It gave me something to do as my 8 month old uses my teat as a teething toy in the middle of the night. Kudos fair maiden!

  4. May 11, 2015 at 5:27 am

    I always miss Arya when she’s absent. She’s got the best story in Season 5 so far; I’m glad she’ll be back next week.

  5. May 11, 2015 at 8:55 am

    I love that you call Tyrion’s journey the “On The Run Tour.” Cracks me up every time.

    The way Roose told Ramsay about raping his mom really proves that Ramsay is just Satan’s understudy at Winterfell. And Sansa should have gone with Brienne the Trill when she had the chance bc those Boltons need therapy.

    And Misandei and Grey Worm!!! Black love at its finest on GOT. Please don’t kill them.

  6. Serenity
    May 11, 2015 at 9:03 am

    I’m Kinda feeling that John Snow is half Starks and Half Targarian too….. I too, refuse to read the books

  7. LLJ
    May 11, 2015 at 9:28 am

    Excellent (and funny) recap!! I read the books and this is not a spoiler, but Ramsay Snow Bolton is even more vile and despicable there- if you can believe that. He makes my skin crawl every time he appears on the screen. I don’t even realize that I’m holding my breath until he leaves.

  8. CNotes
    May 11, 2015 at 9:41 am

    My prayer is that Sansa has picked up some tips from Littlefinger on how to “play the game”; because by the jerkish behavior Ramsay displayed at the table….she is in for some foolishness with him.

    I just want Tyrion to get to Dany so badly to see how that will play out. She’s a leader who isn’t sure how to lead…..He is an expert on knowing how to navigate conflict, but probably will never be a king. These two working together could be powerful.

    • May 14, 2015 at 11:46 am

      ^^^^ YES. With only a couple of episodes to go, I want Tyrion to be in Mereen like yesterday!

  9. 1Chiq
    May 11, 2015 at 10:03 am

    Yay for getting this up super-fast! Go Luvvie go Luvvie go!

  10. Carrie
    May 11, 2015 at 12:50 pm

    First Luvvie I offer my xongrata on your timely recap of the beat show on tv. Now all I can say is NOOOOooo dor Sir Jorah he has xome too far to go out like this, ro be so xlose yet so far from Dany, even if she forgave him, he can’t be around hwr leat she get infected.
    Ramsay is the rotrwn aeed froom an extremely rotted tree, how can one damily be so twitedy, they make the Lannisters look like simpletons. I need Sansa to be ultra shady shase smart, and come out of this on top, ansit wouls be awesomesauce id she was the one to kill demon spaw, the cherry on that sunday wouls be if

    • Carrie
      May 11, 2015 at 1:01 pm

      Warning: do not try to post comments from a cell, auto-correct is the tool of the devil. Anywho where was I, ah yes, it would be the cherry on the sunday if Theon, reclaimed his theoretical cajones (since Ramsay took the real ones), and confessed to Sansa that he in fact did not kill her brothers, and they could be still alive. This revelation would give Sansa even more reasons to play this game of murder chess, for the win.

      Finally it would be the ultimate ending to end all endings for Jon and Dany to form their alliance and be married, with their unity no one could win, and plus with her dragons and Ghost his dire wolf, their sigil would be tops. Jon and Dany are my OTP

  11. Me
    May 11, 2015 at 2:44 pm

    My working theory on Jon Snow’s mama ‘nem is his dad is Rhaegar Targaryen and his mother is Lyanna Stark, Ned Stark’s sister. All the hints being dropped point that way, but as we all know, nothing turns out the way we want or expect in this show. Land of Perpetual Disappointments. A Jon Snow + Danerys + Tyrion alliance wouldn’t be nothin’ to mess with.

    I think (for once) Dany was right in roasting that one former slave owner. That whole group was behind Valar Moghulis so somebody gotta pay. I would have done 2 since 2 of her main dudes got shanked last week. *shrug* Now – let’s hope that her showing mercy to her enemies doesn’t come back to haunt her like it does everybody else in this show.

    Oh, Sansa. She’s gotta get away from Ramsay Bolton – that fool is psychotic. Preferably I’d want all of the Boltons dead & gone but the remaining Starks all have too much honor for that. Except Arya, she’s out of damns to give.

  12. Blackberry Molasses
    May 11, 2015 at 4:30 pm

    that message from the chambermaid to sansa had to be from brienne. she’s hovering close and takes her oath seriously. i’m hoping she sneaks into winterfell and starts murking Boltons. she hates them too. it was Bolton men that tried to rape her when she was bringing Jaime back to King’s Landing and had her in the bear pit at Harrenhal. i love her story line in the show, because in the books its so disappointing. i’ll leave it at that unless someone wishes me to elaborate. its not spoiler-y, but its definitely the opposite of what’s happening now.

    i think Sansa has learned enough from being a hostage in King’s Landing and hanging with Lord Creepy to begin to play the game. she began at dinner. she’s sitting with the people who murdered her family (including Walda– she’s a Frey) and holding her own with grace. even after that little “reunion” with Theon. Myranda is interesting, to say the least, because what she did is psychological warfare and she’s learned a lot from Ramsay. *shudder* and he is SO MUCH WORSE IN THE BOOKS. like… nightmare inducing. they definitely gave us someone to really loathe, since King Justin Beiber is dead.

    Roose’s story about Ramsay’s mother has to do with the tradition of First Night, which the Stark Kings abolished, along with flaying. clearly the Bolton’s are the antithesis of the Starks and there is little love for them in the North. they’re going to have a hard time holding Winterfell against Stannis if the other northern houses are slow to raise their banners for their liege lord. the Starks we well loved and if they find out Sansa is alive…. and where is Rickon??? last we saw him, he and Osha were headed to the House Umber at Last Hearth.. did they make it and do they have him? i want him to be re united with his sister, but we all know what happens when characters get some happiness on this show.

    i’m looking to see how that uncomfortable marriage with Hizdhar plays out for Dany. if Tyrion replaces Barristan Selmy as her advisor then she has a real shot at getting the throne– if she listens. he can fill her in on just how fucked up Kings Landing is and all its weak points.

    • MonMon
      May 11, 2015 at 5:33 pm

      At first I thought the message for Sansa was from Brienne as well but then Myranda showed up. Maybe it was really from her?!? Her jealousy is gonna be a problem.

  13. Monica
    May 11, 2015 at 6:42 pm

    I’m pissed at the death of Barristan Selmy, I wished Dany would’ve roasted half of the old masters just so they know she aint playing. I really hope she keeps them imprisoned, at least until the sons of the harpy threat is neutralized. Marrying Loraq is a bad idea, she doesn’t know if he’s in league with the sons of the harpy who want to bring back slavery. He says he’s not but well people tend to lie if they dont want you to know what they are doing. Also her end game is re-taking the throne in Kings Landing, I dont think the people of the seven kingdoms are going to accept Loraq as either king or consort.
    I’m not sure how valuable Jorah’s counsel is going to be, he’s a mostly good man but Im over him at this point. I think Varys is the one with his finger on the pulse for what’s happening in Kings Landing, he and Tyrion will make a good team.
    I’m not sure how much Sansa knows or if she’s still the naive girl she was before. A lot has happened to her but that doesn’t mean she’s any wiser. Ramsay has to keep her happy, she’s the key to the north but Myranda doesn’t have to worry about Roose like Ramsay does. She’s the wild card in this. Roose is so shady he spoiled Ramsay’s fun by mentioning the baby. I think that was his way of letting him know he’s still in charge and to cut out the Bs with Theon/Reek.
    After seeing Walda I can understand why Rob Stark was reluctant to marry her, even if she came with an army of men. Walder Frey wont stay loyal to the Boltons if they cant hold the north, and we know he doesnt give a damn about his ugly daughters. If anything I can see him marrying off one of his relations to Shireen to take Kings Landing, he wants a crown in his family. He’ll sacrifice Walda in a heartbeat if it suits his plans.
    Littlefinger has his own plan and I dont think it benefits the Boltons. He knows he cant trust the Freys or the Boltons, and Cersei/Tommen are lame duck rulers. I wonder what he’s up to.

  14. Emmanuel Stalling
    May 11, 2015 at 10:42 pm

    The Boltons are an even worse place to be than with the Lannisters, yeah. Outside of Joffrey, the Lannisters at least pretend to be classy and don’t really hurt people unless it furthers their goals. Ramsay Bolton, though…this dude will skin you alive for coughing while he was talking.

  15. Jacqueline
    May 12, 2015 at 11:54 am

    I read the books in 2013 and I can’t believe I didn’t thought about Jon Snow being a Targaryen, it makes so much sense!

  16. Shani
    May 18, 2015 at 2:42 pm

    Lawd, Sansa… she has had very bad Tinder experience on this show. First, she was diggin’ on Loras (um… not his type, honey…). Then she got it in her head that she wanted to marry Cersei’s lil’ demon seed, Joffrey. Then she ends up in the clutches of her uncle-by-marriage, devious Littlefinger, who smooched on her, then pushed her auntie through the moon door. He then turns around and fixes her up with the biggest bastard on the show thus far, Ramsay Snow-bastard Bolton, who likes peeling the skin off of people like human bananas for fun, and hunting the boring girls in the woods for sport. UUUUUGGGGGHHHHH…. That wedding night scene was THE WORST… I kept hoping that Stannis would have showed up and killed that noise, but no… WHY GOT?….no dambs given for my feels, huh?