Empire’s Season Finale Was Two Hours of Grand Drama
What Lee Daniels’ newest show Empire has managed to do is no small feat. Their soundtrack is currently the #1 music album in the country, beating out Madonna’s latest release. And the new show is the #1 show on the Big 4 networks, breaking its own rating records week after week. Why? Because we all miss having soap operas aka “Stories” to watch and since All My Children ain’t coming back, Cookie Lyon an’ em are the fix we’ve been needing.
I recapped the first 2 episodes of Empire when I first watched them and I knew I’d be a fan because as the foolery enthusiast that I am, this was up my alley. By the time the finale of season 1 came around last night, everyone was on level THIRST to see what would happen. Chile… A LOT. That’s what happened.
The first hour didn’t give me visual whiplash, although it ended with 18 things happening in the last 5 minutes. But the 2nd hour? Listen. From top down it was continuous, and I think it must have been before the show’s team realized they were renewed for season 2. So they jam-packed it with stuff in case it was the last hurrah. Let’s talk about it, doe.
* Cookie’s Cookies – Cookie is at a getaway in the woods with Malcolm (Derek Luke) the fine ass security guard, getting her cookies OFF and I ain’t mad at it.
Turns out that she’s never been with anyone but slimy ass Lucious so this was extra special. When Lucious figures out that they’re together, upon her return, he tells her she is out the company and not on the Board of Directors because a convicted felon can never serve on the board of a publicly traded company. Is this true? What about Martha Stewart? I have real questions!
Security escorts her off the premises and I’m like gahtdamb. Lucious is a summabitch! Men and their fragile ass egos. ALLLL THE PEEN SPREADING HE DON DID? STAHP. Men be so butthurt about things being done to them but they’ll act all types of complete fools and expect forgiveness. “Cuz Hell wants the devil back and Lucious is on his way.” – Cookie Lyon the Gawdess.
* Showcase Showboat – Uncle Snoop Lyon (HEEE) shows up and Lucious has a mini showcase for the legend, where he rocks out like only he can. Then Hakeem gets on stage and basically calls his Daddy wack and says he slept with his woman. CHILEEEEEE… Lucious catches his son outside and knocks him DAFUQ OUT!
It’s not Hakeem’s fault. He be emo as hell. He missed so many “I HATE YOU MOM AND DAD” moments as a teenager. He’s making up for it now.
* Future of Empire – With Hakeem on his Twitter block list, Andre in therapy and Cookie on his butthurt list, Lucious turns to Jamal The Geigh Son because he has writer’s block and he needs to come up with a song for the “Lucious Lyons Sound” concert. Jamal takes him to their old house where Past Du-Rag Wearing Lucious got his start. There, they rock out as Lucious rocks a linen blazer like it’s not the middle of winter. “I don faced death from both sides since I was 9 years old.” Is that why you’re wearing summer fabric winter? You ain’t scurred? I bet Lucious Lyon wears white loafers. You know he got a Nigerian friend who got him a pair.
Anywho, Jamal helps him write a song he thinks it’s dope and it’s a turning point in their relationship because for once, his GEIGH didn’t get in the way of his talent. O_____O Tale as old as time, really. It is here that Lucious tells him that he’s the future of the company, and he challenges him to do something to earn it. Get his music masters from Beretti, who has filed an injunction against him.
All Falls Down – All hells breaks loose after this. Jamal goes to Beretti’s place and hems him up, holding him over a balcony, threatening to drop him if he doesn’t sign papers giving Lucious the rights to his old music. Linen Lyon shows up and doesn’t stop his son. He goes looking for his other heir, Hakeem, who is threatening to jump ship to Creedmore Records. He finds Baby Lyon (No Simba) making the secks with Anika (Boo Boo Kitty). EEEWWWWW.
Lucious has been experiencing double vision. This is actually good news because his doctor realizes that it means MG (Myasthenia Gravis), not ALS, and that is treatable, though chronic. The devil surely doesn’t go down easy. With this new lease on life, Linen Lyon goes to see Andre, who has now found Jesus through his holy music therapist (who it’s clear he’s in love with), played by J-Hud. To spite his son, he walks up to her and gives her a record deal on the spot. “My father is the devil and you just spread your legs for him.” Ouch. Way harsh.
Lucious is on his new MG drugs, which apparently, make you hallucinate so when he gets in bed and is about to sleep, he sees Bunkie’s ghost sitting at the foot. IF THIS AIN’T A SOAP OPERA FOR REAL. I LOVE IT. Anywho, Cookie comes into her ex’s bedroom and he starts talking groggily to himself and admits that he killed Bunkie, her cousin.
He laid all his secrets at her feet, and I had thought no one would end up knowing that he wasn’t really dying. Cookie is hurt and mad as hell, and hovers over him with a pillow. Will she kill him? Part 1 (hour 1) ends.
And I didn’t realize I had been waiting to exhale until I let go of a deep breath. Everything in “All Falls Down” happened in like a 4 minute span. IT WAS TOO MUCH.
* Gifts for Lyons – A new episode kicked off here where they left off and it’s morning time. The Lyon sons are around the table, sitting in front of black boxes with gold ribbons. Becky’s present and Hakeem asks her what kind of Black girl is named Becky. She says she got a white mama. Well den.
Lucious greets his sons says he is not dying, and apologizes for being a shitty person. I coulda SWORN it was a dream sequence.
He tells them to open up the boxes in front of them. Hakeem opens his up and there’s a gold wing. He got a private jet that he can use to tour all over the world. Creflo Dollar is somewhere MAD AS HELL. Andre opens his up and it’s a gold cross. He’s getting $100 million to use for the Lyons Foundation and fund his heart’s desires (aka Jesus). Jamal opens his up and it’s a gold scepter. HE gets Empire. WOOOORRRDDDD?????? Oh ok, den! Cookie walks in looking all shifty-eyed and he tells her to come open her box. She does, and it’s a pillow. WELP. He knows what she almost did.
* Checkmate, Bitch – Cookie goes to see Lucious in his office and Jamal is there. Linen Lyon tells his younger son that his mama almost killed him the night before. Cookie forgot that her bae Malcolm has installed security cameras all through the mansion so as the footage of her holding the pillow over him plays, Jamal is devastated. She tells her son that his pops killed Bunkie as security drags her out.
“Sometimes you gotta be willing to sacrifice your Queen in order to win the game.” Said the evil ass King of Empire chess.
* No Snitching – After Cookie sees her named wiped from the Lucious Lyon Sounds concert, she is dragged into a car by the Feds lady. They’re building a case against her ex and they want her to testify against him. I wouldn’t blame Cookie if she snitches on him either. She’s already gone down for him once and she bet not do it again. Shit. Ride-or-die is so overrated. I’m more of a “Ride or See now you’re tripping and if it’s either you or me, I’m picking me type” chick. As she exits the building, Vernon watches her, trailing Cookie on the command of Lucious. He reports back and says she’s not up to much, just going to see her Parole Officer and home.
* Lying Like Lyon – There’s a press conference where Lucious announces Jamal as the heir to this throne, one of the rappers at Empire comes out to heckle Jamal for his sexuality. Lucious responses talmbout “Bigotry has no place at Empire” and that is how I KNOW this is all a setup. That dude cannot be trusted and how did he become a new person overnight, basically??? NAWL. What he’s going to do is use that as an example of why he can’t really leave the company to him, when he finally dethrones his son. Don’t believe me just watch.
* Fight Night – Cookie tells Hakeem that they should take Empire back, and he tells Andre. They go see Boo Boo Kitty because she got connections that could make this hostile takeover work. Cookie, being the goon that she is, feels disrespected by Anika so she straight STEALS on her face and punches her dead in her eye. Fake ass Lena Horne gets a few punches in, but Cookie snatches her pearls off and mollywhops her on a pool table before they’re separated.
Oh and Andre’s wife tells him she’s leaving him because even though he hasn’t physically cheated with his music therapist, they’ve shared some “intimate” moments. Ummm… I didn’t even know she was mad at him. They definitely skipped some important part on this section because she hadn’t ever mentioned her to him yet now she’s leaving him? This was a bit of a hole.
* 8 Mile Road – The rapper that came for Jamal was having some event at some basement that straight took me to 8-Mile Road. I started rapping “Sometimes I just feel like, quitting I still might” immejately. You can’t blame me. Anywho, ‘Mal gets on stage and annihilates him with a sing-rap that was in all falsetto and ended in “BITCCCHHH” and I lived.
Now, anytime I read someone, I will attempt to do it in high key. You’re welcome.
* Cookie’s Baby – As this plotting against Empire is happening, I kept wondering why Cookie wasn’t at least trying to talk to Jamal because she loves her son and the hostile takeover will take him down too. Finally, they have a convo about it she tells him “No matter what’s going on between me and your daddy, I got you.” Cookie doesn’t let me down often.
* V for Vernon – Vernon shows up at Andre’s house and says he’d like to talk but the oldest Lyon son isn’t in the talking mood. He feels betrayed by Uncle Vernon so he pushes him and punches him in the face. The men start rumbling, and at first, Vernon tries to keep Dre at bay but it turns into real fisticuffs and he’s pummeling his play nephew. Just then, Rhonda (his wife) comes in and hits Vernon in the head with some blunt object, and he hits the floor. She tells Andre that she wants to work on their marriage and make the shit work. Dre got a massive black eye and bloody mouth and he looks at Vernon, who is still on the floor, unconscious. There’s a pool of blood under his head and he has no pulse. OMG RHONDA KILLED VERNON!! Dambit!
Andre wants to call 911 and say it was self-defense but Rhonda tells him not to. Also, she’s pregnant. WTF? I don’t know what her uterus gotta do with the fact that she just murdered someone but ok.
* Public Empire – The Lyons are all standing at the New York Stock Exchange bell about to ring it when Lucious tells the rep that they gotta wait for Vernon because he helped build the company. When they do, Empire will officially become a publicly-traded company. Andre (in shades) and his wife are standing there and the NYSE waits for no one, so Lucious presses the button and it is official!
* Dwight Walker – At the Lucious Lyon Sounds concert, Jamal is rocking what I think is an homage to his daddy’s Past Du-Rag onstage as he performs with Hakeem. After that set, as Lucious is backstage in his dressing room, prepping himself to perform, Jamal joins him. He lets his son in on a secret that even Cookie doesn’t know: Dwight Walker is his real name. When he became an orphan at 9, he figured that wouldn’t rock in the streets, so he created Lucious. “The One Who Could Not Be Killed.” Soooo basically, he’s Voldemort. I wonder what he’s turned into horcruxes. You know he’s killed before. MMHMM.
Before he can get onstage, the Feds barge in and say he’s under arrest for the murder of Bunkie. AW SHIT. Cookie walks in and he calls her a snitch. He tells Jamal to go represent for him and his son looks at his mama all hatefully. NAWLLL IT WASN’T COOKIE. One of the federal agents tells the other that they are still looking for Vernon because he’s their star witness. MMHMM Uncle V was the snitch but since he’s gone now.
The show ends with a long shot of prison cells and Lucious’ wabble voice. “The streets couldn’t defeat me. Disease couldn’t stop me. Even God can’t kill me. The day will come when Lucious Lyon will return. Game time, bitches.”
* Lucious is gonna come back with a vengeance and fuck shit up.
* GAHTDAMBIT, RHONDA LADY! She killed Vernon and you KNOW she ain’t take any blame for it. Y’all gon have to start paying the Usher Board overtime money because they stay busy with these TV funes!
* Jamal stepped into his father’s shoes comfortably and I want him to remain good. I don’t want him to turn into a villain in season 2! People in hell want ice water too so… O_o
* I really do enjoy watching Cookie mollywhop Boo Boo Kitty
* Cookie and Jamal’s relationship is in the gutter and that makes me sad because their bond was one of my favorite things so far. I need them to come back together again and plot against Lucious together.
There is a good reason why TV shows are best in 1 hour increments because 2 hours of high drama like Empire served up for their season 1 finale almost took me out. It was so much and they’re gonna make a G hypertensive. Afterwards, I had to eat an energy bar but I’m a glutton for punishment though. Alls I know is, DIS. TEW. MUCH. The last 2 episodes were like 1 whole season worth of storylines all by themselves.
P.S. I need that song that Jamal and Patti LaBelle performed on stage. It went kinda hard in the ballad paint and I’m here for it.
Whatcha think of the finale?