The Roast of Johnny the Velveteen Crooner and the Gospel Bump N Grind
Most times, what happens in GChat stays in GChat. But sometimes, my friends and I have such ridiculous convos that I just marvel at our foolishness. PLUS, it’s worth proving that I roll with a crew of folks who lack couth. I’m not lonesome in my foolishment.
One of my besties, Kindred Smile, has made an appearance on my blog a coupla times because we have the dumbest conversations (check out Four Seasons of Angst and Linen roast from 2 years ago). We bonded 15 years ago over our penchant for roast and we still dabble in these epic roasts, and it continues today. Last night, I sent her a YouTube clip that my girl Brittany of Clumps of Mascara passed my way and we spent TOO much time entertaining ourselves.
Watch the clip below and get into our hateration.
Me: First of all, the announcer is killing me. “I don’t see nothing wrong with living for Jesus. Take it away, Johnny.”
Kindred: Exactly.
Me: Johnny got on micro cornrows and he just used blue magic to oil his scalp. And that crushed velvet coat. I’m unable.
Kindred: Johnny has all the velvet material on the East Coast. His braids shorter than Robin Thicke’s sense of judgment.
Me: How many buttons do you think that jacket got?
Kindred: 12, one for each disciple.
Me: Homeboy’s braids prolly can’t e’em fit a bead.
Kindred: Nan bead. Sans bead.
Me: Them braids are his Judas. While he’s sanging bout ain’t nothing wrong with living for Jesus. Sir, what is wrong is you walking out the house in a zoot suit.
Kindred: This dude clearly is feeling himself. Passion of the christ. That’s not what that means sir
Me: And then he gon create a remix of R. Kelly’s song.
Kindred: Robert can’t read the words at the bottom so he don’t know who to call and complain to.
Me: MA’AM! You are cold-blooded!
Kindred: But he ain’t cold blooded with the velvet from the church pews sewn on his back? It’s really a disgrace when you a low budget Jaheim. If Jaheim is tampico punch, this dude is hot dog water
Me: He is THE lowest budget jaheim. But a low budget Jaheim is like saying a cheap dollar store. Just redundant.
Kindred: Exactly. LMAOOO!!!
Me: I am HERE for the Brother’s message. But I’m distracted by all that velvet and the voice.
Kindred: This falsetto was dedicated to the wayward sinners.
Me: And the little braids that couldn’t.
Kindred: Meet him at the altar in yo sundress. He ain’t getting no younger, y’all might as well do it. And by it, i mean REPENT
Me: I would like to pay #amish to his goatee and beard game. He looks like he belongs on a s-curl box. If he’d just cut them braids, he could truly be great.
Kindred: So he just gon stop singing and kirk franklin the song. Talking all in the middle. I think it’s worth mentioning that his glass earring ain’t fall out the tinsel setting he delicately placed in his ear.
Me: *DEAD*
Kindred: Faith kept it. GOD GOT IT.
Me: He got that good diamonique joint.
Kindred: Like footprints. “It was I that held your earring.”
Me: YOU GOTTA GO!
Kindred: rofllllllllllllll. Do you know he depleted the inventory of pro-styl in the midwest region for them struggle stripez on his head? Chicks out here flagrant cause of this dude. That’s not christian-like.
Me: Do you know that whoever did his hair got arthritis now?? Tryna CATCH them few hairs in them braids.
Kindred: LMAO BYE! I tell you what… that’s worse than Chinese water torture.
Me: That sista or brotha deserves an award. For resilience and perseverance in the face of obstacles.
Kindred: Pretty sure this is violating some american rights. Guantana-no-mo-braids.
Me: “Guantana-no-mo-braids.” Take your ball and go home. GO HOME, ROGER!
Kindred: MY JESUS AIN’T DIE ON THE CROSS SO THIS VELVETEEN GIANT COULD CROON PIED PIPER DE-MIXES!
Me: Luvvie has left this conversation because you lack sense. She says leave her message and she might not get back to you til next year.
Kindred: I’m saying tho. Where does it say in the Good Book that this is ok?
Me: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John are like “bro… what is this?”
Kindred: “And verily He said unto thee, fear not my child. For there is no lack of righteousness in forcefully joining thine loins.” I AIN’T SEE THAT!
Me: “And verily I declare. May your corned coiffure prosper in length and may your edges shine like a diamond.” You missed that passage
Kindred: Girl you better repent. cause his braids did. You see they ain’t show up to the performance.
Me: “I don’t see nothing wrong…” *bodyrolls for Jesus*
I quit Kindred because she ain’t no good for my quest to get on St. Peter’s VIP list of glory. You can follow her on Twitter at @KindredSmile. She can also be found loitering on Tumblr.
So whatcha think of Brother Johnny and his love song to Jesus?
It is time to write that book. Come into The Book Academy and learn how to go from IDEA to INK.
28 Comments
‘May your edges shine like a diamond’ lmao!!! Blue magic is e’rything! Ya’ll ain’t had to go in on his braidlets like that.
FALLING. DOWN. LAUGHING. OUT. LOUD. AND. SPITTING. OUT. MY. STARBUCKS. TEA. AT. “Braidlets!”
ER-MAH-GAWD . . . “Do you know he depleted the inventory of pro-styl in the midwest region for them struggle stripez on his head? Chicks out here flagrant cause of this dude. That’s not christian-like.”
I just spit out my coffee . . . I dont even know how y’all were typing cause I would have had tears in my eyes . . .
LMAO!
See, this is why we can’t have nice things….from those greasy struggle braids to the “is that velvet?” coat…just SIGH….
Sweet baby Jesus does not approve.
HAHAHAHAHA 12 Buttons for each disciple! I’m over you ma’am.
Lawd….I was done with this song when dude started talmbout ” you can reform and redeem the pimp.” Sir. No. o.o
Like footprints. “It was I that held your earring.”
When I get fired, can I come and sleep on your couch? The way I just cackled in my office.
“Guantana-no-mo-braids.” I normally don’t comment but I had to because this slayed me. I quit you for a day Luvvie.
I was just talking to my Boo last night about Christian folks taking mainstream songs, adding Jesus and twerking for the Lord.
The lovely Issa Rae seems to have perfectly captured that subject in her new series “The Choir”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fStvx8HXIK4
“His braids shorter than Robin Thicke’s sense of judgment.”
Aaaaaand I’m done. You two are hysterical! That is probably the best conversation ever! You win the internet.
Both of ya’ll just need to sit in a corner and reflect on your lives ya’ll are too cool for school lmao. I clocked out at “MY JESUS AIN’T DIE ON THE CROSS SO THIS VELVETEEN GIANT COULD CROON PIED PIPER DE-MIXES!”
Like footprints it was I that held the earring…
I HATE Y’ALL FOR MAKING ME CHOKE ON MY SUBWAY!
Im dead now. And Subway has to throw me out with the leftover bread.
Well I have very much emjoyed your 30 days of blogging. I laughed, I cried, I almost lost my job a few times. But you have done it darling and you ended it the best way anyone could hope for. LOVE THIS and LOVE YOU TOO \(*0*)/
“Kindred: But he ain’t cold blooded with the velvet from the church pews sewn on his back? It’s really a disgrace when you a low budget Jaheim. If Jaheim is tampico punch, this dude is hot dog water
Me: He is THE lowest budget jaheim. But a low budget Jaheim is like saying a cheap dollar store. Just redundant.”
Y’all know what? Just let me be great in life, God done already threatened to quit me, please don’t get me put on the blacklist…..
See… I just… Ya’ll ain’t got a LICK of good sense!!! “Me: Do you know that whoever did his hair got arthritis now?? Tryna CATCH them few hairs in them braids.” Damn near had an asthma attack laughin so hard. Where’s my inhaler?
HOT DOG WATER?!??!?!?!?!!!!
BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh lord. Tampico vs hot dog water. Idied
OMG I am dead with 1 daisy. I can’t!!!!
Low budget Jaheim has me in cardiac arrest! I had to watch and read twice and the second time was even funnier. DONE! DEAD! GONE!
The clip won’t load for me and I so want to see it. 🙁 Can someone please post the link for me? I’d appreciate it.
I am in the library looking at this and I. AM. DEAD at the video and y’all’s convo. What teddy bears/Christmas stockings/winter blankets are running around ratchet right now because this guy used up all of the vevelteen to make his suit? I am sooo done! LOL! ROTFLMAO!
im only 10 secs in and i had to stop it cause im at work and i need my job..lol
“Me: “And verily I declare. May your corned coiffure prosper in length and may your edges shine like a diamond.” You missed that passage”
and that is the reason why I will be sleeping on Luvvie’s couch and eating her rice…I laughed so hard and loud I’m here waiting for my pink slip
“Me: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John are like “bro… what is this?””
iDied, was resurrected, and then died again. Tell my momma I love her lmaooooo!
But how do your braids stop in the middle of your head? It looks like the rest of the braids were raptured. And to make up for it, his stylist did horizontal braids. No! This means he has negative hair because I know when I cornrow my own hair, if I was to stop that row in the middle of my head there would be a long braid attached, not nothingness.
Stephanie NO! You are just as bad as Luvvie and Kindred! #icant with any of you right now. I’m over here getting all my ab work in because I’m trying to hold in my laughter but I pulled a Denzel in Glory with the one tear. I can’t quit ya’ll!
“This means he has negative hair because I know when I cornrow my own hair, if I was to stop that row in the middle of my head there would be a long braid attached, not nothingness.”
THIS!!! Chile you snatched my life with this comment! I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard in my ENITIRE life! LMAO
not tampico punch and hot dog water….oh my aching funny!