The Roast of Johnny the Velveteen Crooner and the Gospel Bump N Grind
Most times, what happens in GChat stays in GChat. But sometimes, my friends and I have such ridiculous convos that I just marvel at our foolishness. PLUS, it’s worth proving that I roll with a crew of folks who lack couth. I’m not lonesome in my foolishment.
One of my besties, Kindred Smile, has made an appearance on my blog a coupla times because we have the dumbest conversations (check out Four Seasons of Angst and Linen roast from 2 years ago). We bonded 15 years ago over our penchant for roast and we still dabble in these epic roasts, and it continues today. Last night, I sent her a YouTube clip that my girl Brittany of Clumps of Mascara passed my way and we spent TOO much time entertaining ourselves.
Watch the clip below and get into our hateration.
Me: First of all, the announcer is killing me. “I don’t see nothing wrong with living for Jesus. Take it away, Johnny.”
Me: Johnny got on micro cornrows and he just used blue magic to oil his scalp. And that crushed velvet coat. I’m unable.
Kindred: Johnny has all the velvet material on the East Coast. His braids shorter than Robin Thicke’s sense of judgment.
Me: How many buttons do you think that jacket got?
Kindred: 12, one for each disciple.
Me: Homeboy’s braids prolly can’t e’em fit a bead.
Kindred: Nan bead. Sans bead.
Me: Them braids are his Judas. While he’s sanging bout ain’t nothing wrong with living for Jesus. Sir, what is wrong is you walking out the house in a zoot suit.
Kindred: This dude clearly is feeling himself. Passion of the christ. That’s not what that means sir
Me: And then he gon create a remix of R. Kelly’s song.
Kindred: Robert can’t read the words at the bottom so he don’t know who to call and complain to.
Me: MA’AM! You are cold-blooded!
Kindred: But he ain’t cold blooded with the velvet from the church pews sewn on his back? It’s really a disgrace when you a low budget Jaheim. If Jaheim is tampico punch, this dude is hot dog water
Me: He is THE lowest budget jaheim. But a low budget Jaheim is like saying a cheap dollar store. Just redundant.
Kindred: Exactly. LMAOOO!!!
Me: I am HERE for the Brother’s message. But I’m distracted by all that velvet and the voice.
Kindred: This falsetto was dedicated to the wayward sinners.
Me: And the little braids that couldn’t.
Kindred: Meet him at the altar in yo sundress. He ain’t getting no younger, y’all might as well do it. And by it, i mean REPENT
Me: I would like to pay #amish to his goatee and beard game. He looks like he belongs on a s-curl box. If he’d just cut them braids, he could truly be great.
Kindred: So he just gon stop singing and kirk franklin the song. Talking all in the middle. I think it’s worth mentioning that his glass earring ain’t fall out the tinsel setting he delicately placed in his ear.
Kindred: Faith kept it. GOD GOT IT.
Me: He got that good diamonique joint.
Kindred: Like footprints. “It was I that held your earring.”
Me: YOU GOTTA GO!
Kindred: rofllllllllllllll. Do you know he depleted the inventory of pro-styl in the midwest region for them struggle stripez on his head? Chicks out here flagrant cause of this dude. That’s not christian-like.
Me: Do you know that whoever did his hair got arthritis now?? Tryna CATCH them few hairs in them braids.
Kindred: LMAO BYE! I tell you what… that’s worse than Chinese water torture.
Me: That sista or brotha deserves an award. For resilience and perseverance in the face of obstacles.
Kindred: Pretty sure this is violating some american rights. Guantana-no-mo-braids.
Me: “Guantana-no-mo-braids.” Take your ball and go home. GO HOME, ROGER!
Kindred: MY JESUS AIN’T DIE ON THE CROSS SO THIS VELVETEEN GIANT COULD CROON PIED PIPER DE-MIXES!
Me: Luvvie has left this conversation because you lack sense. She says leave her message and she might not get back to you til next year.
Kindred: I’m saying tho. Where does it say in the Good Book that this is ok?
Me: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John are like “bro… what is this?”
Kindred: “And verily He said unto thee, fear not my child. For there is no lack of righteousness in forcefully joining thine loins.” I AIN’T SEE THAT!
Me: “And verily I declare. May your corned coiffure prosper in length and may your edges shine like a diamond.” You missed that passage
Kindred: Girl you better repent. cause his braids did. You see they ain’t show up to the performance.
Me: “I don’t see nothing wrong…” *bodyrolls for Jesus*
So whatcha think of Brother Johnny and his love song to Jesus?