Dear Charlie Sheen, Please Go Have Some Seats
Charlie Sheen is nuts. THAT is why I’m writing this week’s sternly-worded letter? Very rarely does this level of batsh*t nuts-dom come to our attention. I mean DAMB! Charlie Sheen has been EVERYWHERE this past week talmbout his his life as a rich crackhead and wondering who gon check him. He was on 20/20 last night for a full hour and every other sentence he says is a quotable. But the dude is a mess. So this letter is dedicated to him.
Carlos Estevez Charlie Sheen,
Well DAMB dude! I hadn’t even thought about you in a long time. I’m not a fan of your show “Two and a Half Men” and I haven’t watched a movie of yours since… “Major League 2.” But you surely have taken the media for a ride this past week. We all knew you dabbled in dope but we weren’t aware that you were a fiend who gives no dambs what anyone thinks about it or you. And I must say… I’m horrified but hella amused.
Charlie… you looked a GOOD mess. Life dropkicked your face through its goalposts. You used to be cute too. With this super segzy strong jawline that put Rainn Pryor and Jennifer Garner’s to SHAME. Now, your face is all sunken in. Then to add injury to insult, you seem to have snorted so much coke your teeth got wonky. When I saw your grill looking like I broken comb, I just bout passed out.
Even worse than what you’re looking like is all the stuff you said. TOO many quotables to even go through.
“I don’t sleep. I wait.” FOR WHAT??? The Devil to come carry you in his chariot to his penthouse? Whatcha waiting for, Charlie???
“I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.” – Sir… O____O
“Death is the greatest trip because they save it for last.” – Ummm… SECURITY!!!
Then in all the interviews you’ve given, you’re pretty much telling the world that you smoke rocks for breakfast and wondering who’s gon check you? Well it seems no one. On some “I go hard in the paint” tip and I’m still here. You even stayed awake for 7 days STRAIGHT while on a drug binge. People have died for much less. How is are you still walking?? Well I guess it’s that tiger blood you spoke of. You talmbout Sean Penn, Mel Gibson and Colin Farrell have showed their support for you. Sir… N’AN one of those dudes can be your “more people” Charlie Sheen. THEY all need more people.
You are clearly the walking epitome of white and rich privilege. Police busted you under the influence of all types of illicit drugs. You might have even possessed some on your person and they made you choose between going to jail or a hospital. CHARLIE got given a choice but Carlos or Tyrone wouldn’t have gotten no multiple choice quiz. Police talmbout “Sir, we found 25 lbs of coke, heroine and weed on you. But we’re wondering. Circle Jail or Hospital so we know where to drop you off.” GTFOH! That ain’t how it goes for REGULAR people, especially those who are melanin-blessed.
I mean, your brother (who kept his Latino name) Emilio has barely worked since “Mighty Ducks.” Emilio didn’t change his name and we’ont know where he’s been for a minute. Dude can’t get n’an role but here you go CUSSING out the producers of your show and you technically still have a job! “Two & a half men” is only shut down the the SEASON. They didn’t even say “we’re done here.” They said “we’re taking a break.” FOR HOW??? Shows have been cancelled for less.
“I get $2 million per episode. For the psychological distress, I want $3 million.” Somebody was sitting somewhere signing checks to you for $2 million for acting in a subpar 30-min sitcom. AND you’re now asking for a raise? What is MY life bout??? Oh. AND you’re suing the producers? Sir…
And those silly heffas you call “Goddesses.” I don’t even have the energy to go in on those fools. But the fact that these are someone’s daughters and nieces… Men, hug your daughters. Women, snatch their wigs cuz you don’t want this for your kids! That or children can go wayward no matter their upbringing. I’m sure their family members are feeling like they’ve failed them.
The WORST part in alla this is that someone actually trusted 2 toddler boys to the care of a fiend and his 2 fake sirens. I’m glad they took the kids away but before the fact… WHAT WERE FOLKS THINKING? I blame the Justice system. And the women who keep marrying and procreating with you, Charlie. Women KNOW you ain’t NO parts of “bout that life” but they keep marrying you and allowing you to invade their love pockets. Ladies, we gotta make better decisions. We just GOTTA! That awkward moment when people ask you bout your cracked out ex-husband being on TV? Yeah Denise Richardson. For the next 6 months. (-__-)
Your publicist quit the other day and I want to go find him to give him a blue ribbon. The fact that he even lasted this long means he’s a saint. Managing your public image is a job that no one could get paid enough for.
Who knows? You might be taking us all for a ride and be saying these outlandish things JUST to get a reaction out of us. Either you’re the craziest person this side of the Equator, or a marketing genius, or both. Still… you need a life chaperone because you need supervision. You are indeed bi-winning at being an attention whore.
I feel bad for your family though. Martin Sheen is prolly somewhere *facepalming* repeatedly. And poor Emilio…
Charlie, go find you the nearest seat and take it. Just SAT THE HELL DOWN!
Q: “What’s the future for Charlie Sheen?”
A: “Just winning.”
*drops mic* *exits the stage* WELP! *cues DJ Khaled* *hands go UP and they stay there!* \(.__.)/
P.S. One of the “Goddesses” is on Twitter. Her handle is @BreeOlson. And yes, she’s just as ridiculous as you imagined.