LifeSpace Organizer Needed

So a while back, there was a story floating around about a college student who put out an ad for a personal assistant on Craigslist. And he got 100s of inquiries. I realized that if a lowly undergrad (no offense. Sidenote: Anytime that is used, it pretty much guarantees that the person it’s being said to will be offended) can get a personal assistant, well then so can I. And I actually got business.

Here’s my ad:

Looking for a Lifespace organizer. I don’t like the phrase “personal assistant” because it ain’t segzy enough. In fact, it’s more of an “Executive Assistant” position, since everything being done will pertain to my side hustles. LifeSpace organizer works so I shall keep it. Anyway, Top Flight Luvvie of The World is looking for LifeSpace organizer to get her lifespace… well, organized. I know I’m not important or nothing but being an overachiever (read: lover of “Doing Too Much”) is tiring.

Working fulltime at one organization, running a national nonprofit, and writing for fitty-eleben sites is taking a toll on this poor little Nigerian girl. I sleep so little that you can just call them “extended blinks.” I have about 8 email accounts I check daily (1 for my general email, 1 for my blog, 1 for my job, 1 for my professional life outside of my job, 1 for Red Pump Project, 1 for bills and important stuff… and I forget the other 2), seven Twitter accounts I tweet from (yes, they’re all necessary for all the random things I do).

You as a LifeSpace Organizer will be super important. Especially since I can be forgetful AF. You will be the good angel on my shoulder, making sure the devil on the other shoulder (aka forgetfulness & procrastination) doesn’t get the best of me. You’ll be helping me with Red Pump work, blog stuff and other randoms. You’ll help me answer emails from time-to-time. You can also remind me to go places I tell folks I’mo be (seriously. If I don’t set a Google Calendar reminder, I get a text like “You coming?” Me: “Where?” O__O FAIL!!!)

Ability to cook delicious rice is optional, but it will win you brownie points. You must understand my love of shoes. You may even partake in it. Every once in a while, you can send me an email telling me how awesome I am (Ok I’m just kidding. Unless you’re willing to do it. Then I’m all for it. Hehe No just playing… Or am I?)

Payment will be in the form of extreme gratitude, coupon codes to your favorite stores and random Twitter shoutouts. What, you don’t want followers? Ain’t they worth something? No? Psht! Besides, no amount of money could be enough (*cue O___o from all my readers* *ducks tomatoes*). Also, you get to claim you know me. Which will get you no perks outside of, well… *thinks* yeah it won’t get you too many perks.

*sigh* FINE! I may be able to swing a TINY TINY stipend. Like 25% of my Google AdSense profits (which to date is $12.83. Your lofty new earnings of $3.21 must not be wasted. Spread out the wealth, na’ mean?)

And best of all, you can organize my LifeSpace for me while sitting in your snuggie and ratty PJs. It’s a virtual position. You ain’t gotta pick up my drycleaning or nothing! You ain’t even gotta cook me rice (unless you want to. And freeze it. And overnight it to me. Then feel free.)

So if anyone would like a position with no to little pay, no health benefits or perks besides coupons, I’m ya gurl! All inqwarees can apply by sending me an email. I may even put this on Craigslist. YUP!!!

What’s sad about all of this is, I actually mean it. *sighs* Y’all can proceed to side-eye me now as I go saddown in the corner and re-assess my lifespace. I’ll be the one repeatedly *WALL SLIDING.* Ain’t gon be n’an applicant. And I’ont blame y’all. I ain’t even on nothing.