Dear PETA, Really?

The other day, I was in my office when all of a sudden a huge fly comes swirling around out of nowhere. You already know about my fear of creepy crawlers. That rodent with wings was pissing me off because it just would not get out my office. So I tweeted that if I wasn’t a punk so busy, I’d chase it till I killed it. If I had a can of RAID, I woulda prayed it at point blank and yelled “Die, BEECH, DIEEE!!!” followed by a maniacal laugh. MWAHAHAHAHA! >:-D

Anywho, like 4 or 5 folks tweeted back to me saying I better leave that fly alone with before PETA comes for me like they did the President. THIS inspired this sternly-worded letter.

Dear PETA,

Your cause against the cruelty of animals is a very noble cause. I get your overarching point, because there are times when us homo sapiens mistreat animals and take far too much advantage of that whole being on top of the food chain thing and we run with it (See: Michael Vick’s epic fail of a situation).

In fact, I empathize with you so much that I’ve even considered becoming a vegetarian before (no I didn’t do it but doesn’t the thought count? No? Haters). But to do MY part, I only eat burgers once a week ever so often. Shoot, you try to resist a Big Mac (with the 2 all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles on a sesame seed bun). Besides, fried chicken is a gift from God, and who am I to reject it?

Despite all the work you do, PETA, I must award you with the “Fool SADDOWN Gift Basket and voucher”. The fact that you are up in arms about the President of the Free World killing a fly makes me FURTHER know that you are either ignoring issues that actually deserve your attention or you’re bored. Methinks its both but leaning towards the latter. Is there no celebrity to help indict this week? Aren’t there fast food restaurants that use “unidentified meat” to go confront? Has someone went out the species again and had sex with Lil Wayne (who I’m convinced is a roach)?

I mean, really though. Y’all are going to be picketing for the fly that lost its life while invading the Beloved One’s personal space? If that was a human, the Secret Service would BEEN spray-painted him with bullets and everyone would have been like “Well, he WAS in the way.” I see no problem with killing flies. If we don’t kill ‘em and just let them run amok, the ecosystem would be outta wack. Then, the bugs and roaches would build a giant colony where Lil Wayne would rule supreme over his 6-legged doppelgangers. And who wants that? Not I, said the Luvvie.

But PETA, don’t think I’m some animal hater though. I LOVE cows. They make eating cereal possible AND they allow me to rock shoes made of soft leather (which, by the way, is a by-product). TECHNICALLY, I’m not harming any cow by rocking leather shoes. It was going to be thrown away ANYWAY. I actually feel like I’m doing that cow a service by rocking a pair of fierce shoes that was created from its hide. The cow should be proud it didn’t die in vain, but contributed to the fabulousity of someone else. Don’t you think? Well that’s the story I tell myself and dagnabbit, I’m sticking to it.

Whichever cow allowed the manufacturing of these particular shoes is getting put in my will because I appreciate it so much.

With that being said, PETA, Jeebs be some more business for y’all.

So sinsurr,

LuvBucket (of chicken which was killed very humanely, in a nicely lit room with music crooning – maybe Enya)

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  1. amymay117
    July 14, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    Yes, Ma'am!!

    PETA be damn…onliest good fly is a dead fly! I'm working on weaving a giant flyswatter right now… one big enuf for that mangle moufed roach of whom you speak….
    *fingers nimbly weaving*

  2. Peyso
    July 14, 2009 at 1:47 pm

    You are one funny child, You are dead on about what would happen if that fly was a human

  3. Kindred Smile
    July 14, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    +2 pts for the use of Enya. And you know my stance on creepy crawlies quite well – all of them need to be smacked with the BOOM BOOM POW

  4. true2me
    July 14, 2009 at 3:12 pm

    GIRL peta get on my nerves

    how come peta aint mad at the lions when they eat prey..the do need to sat down a long time ago

  5. Cheekie
    July 14, 2009 at 3:44 pm

    ROFL as always at your posts.

    Yeah, even as a never-can-be-saved carnivore, I respect PETA's heart… but not their methods. I don't like fur either, but please believe you throw paint on my Mama's joint (who dos like fur), you will get cut ceremoniously by a bunch of Black women. I don't fur at all, it's not my style, but don't go be contributing to the grief of a middle age lady who is just trying to get her diva on. That mink was gonna get eaten by a lion anyway.

    But yeah, I take solace in the fact that I won't be on their ish list whenever I get famous because you'll never see me wearing animal hair.

  6. Cheekie
    July 14, 2009 at 3:58 pm

    "how come peta aint mad at the lions when they eat prey..the do need to sat down a long time ago "

    HAHAHA…great point true. We're mammals, too. PETA is lucky that the dopest animal to ever live, the velociraptor is not alive today because they'd start to eat their prey while still alive. Word to Jurassic Park. Would they throw paint at THEM?!

  7. Sane
    July 14, 2009 at 4:31 pm

    Haahahah! I love it! You sound like me when I go off about ants in the summer time. You are hilarious! * hands you a straight jacket*

  8. Tunde
    July 14, 2009 at 8:15 pm

    yeah peta needs to sit down somewhere. i'm an omnivore and i'm proud of it. flies are disgusting creatures. i was at a bbq this past saturday and they were really bothering me and my food. i also hate to see people rock furs. it just bothers me.

  9. Lite Bread
    July 15, 2009 at 1:08 am

    Yer High Awesomelynessis (with the Boots on!),
    I think ya done, done somethin’ to my poor mind. I looked at the digital photo of yer “100% Dead-Cow Hide” mini-Boots an’ …
    (iHate to admit to this…)
    That ol’ H-Town song “Knockin’ Da Boots” rushed into my consciousness. Please forgive. iSorry. Really.

  10. Jason
    July 15, 2009 at 5:56 am

    Great site man. I was wondering if we could possible exchange links. Let me know what you think about my humor blog.


  11. KevinsTeeTee
    July 15, 2009 at 2:54 pm

    lol I always referred to Lil Wayne as the "Fly" and all his children come out as maggots like that movie.

    But yah PETA has gotten a tad manic lately in their endeavours to save the animals. I love animals too, but c'mon killing a fly? Flies carry all kinds of bacteria and diseases so hell yeah I'm going to kill it if it means me not getting ill.