I’m a Professional Lush

I was thisclose to not being able to write a post tonight because I was sloshed! See what had happened was I spent ALL day at a conference for work (9am – 7pm). My Blackberry kept me company when I wasn’t speaking with people. I had fun connecting with folks from across the country though. I just about keeled over when I was speaking to this middle-aged white woman about social media and how Barack Obama’s campaign gave it much credibility with older people. Her: “YESSS!! If Barack was single, I’d snatch him up!” Me: *cackle*

Anywho, our exhibit table was by the refreshment table where folks came to get soda and water and whatnot. Very convenient. Then around 4pm, I looked over and all of a sudden, the refreshments table had been magically disassembled and turned into a bar. Like some Bartender Genie had done a quick change. I did a double take like “When did that get there???” I mean REALLY. The table was like 5 feet from me and I completely missed when a wooden bar was placed there in its place. AND…AND… it was open bar! I’m not a big drinker. Hell, I’m not big anything, but even my eyes lit up at that bar. All the liquor you can hold! For the free. Good liquor too. I was GEEKED! Like YES!

One thing I’ve realized is that professionals LOVE them some open bar. Most regular days at work events, meetings, lunches, have some type of liquor involved. Wine is especially popular. Liquor seems to be built into organizational budgets, right after the line item for office supplies. I’m even convinced that professional event planners and conference coordinators would pick alcohol over that last panel. I’m sure there are many convos that go a little something like this:

Event Planner: “Hmm… we’re $2,000 over budget. We need to cut something out.”
Event Planning Intern: “Well, we could cut out the open bar and save some money”
Event Planner: *blank stare* “RRRIIIGGGHHTT. I see you’re new to the industry. We can just do without that panel of experts. Done and done! All is well.”

So anyway, there was a constant line at that bar; never a lull. Folks were ordering all types of drinks (Tequila sunrises, Mimosas, Screwdrivers, Mojitos… everyone was well-versed in ethanol speak). I ignored the bar for an hour because I was slightly sleepy and alcohol sometimes makes me sleepier. However, a certain friend of mine, who shall remained unnamed *cough*G-folk*cough* felt that I should take advantage of the open bar. Finally, I decided to get a drink and I walk up to the bar and wait in line. I get my turn, and ask for some white wine.

Bartender: *looks at me* “I’m sorry but I’m gonna have to card you.”
People behind me: *chuckle “I wish someone would card me!”

Me: *shakes my internal fists vigorously* “Yeah I know I look 12. Fine let me get my wallet.”

Bartender: “Oh, you’re the exhibitor that’s right there. Well, I suppose you’re over 21.”

Me: *side-eye* Thanks for the wine.

I’ve already come to terms with the fact that I’ll be well into my 30s and still getting carded. Alise asked me if they made me a Similac cocktail or if I got a Pediasure shot. I hate that I love her.

Antywhos… it took me about 1.5 hrs to finish that glass. I’m not a gulp a drink kinda gal. I sips. Wells, around this time, I found that the room was getting hotter, and my cable knit turtleneck sweater suddenly felt constraining. But alas, I took this not as a warning sign but thought they had turned the heat up. My eyes were getting low too (SHARRAP to errone who just said “How could your eyes get lower than they already are?”) but I thought it was just because I was tired.

There was less than 30 minutes less in the conference, so I went up and got another glass. I surely couldn’t waste the liquor, so 3/4th of it was gone within 20 minutes. As I exited, the wine pretty much sucker punched me! I went from slightly hot to un-sober in a matter of minutes! (Told ya I’m a lightweight. 1.75 glasses of wine should not get one in such a state). Walking to the bus in a zig zag was what made that official.

When I got on the bus, I text Alise to text me in 20 minutes because I knew I was about to fall asleep. When I woke up, I was two stops past my own. *side-eyeing Alise*. Heffa called me Drunky McUnsoberson too lol. I got home, took my shoes off, and crashed into a 2 hour nap. Woke up and was STILL un-sober. I didn’t think I was going to be able to write. But since I had to work on a PowerPoint presentation for my boss I am SO dedicated to y’all, I had to make it my business to get right to write. So with the help of some water and time, here I is (although I’m still probably still 5% un-sober).

Moral of this story: Don’t Rock Turtleneck Sweaters if you’re gonna drink; Set an alarm because friends are unreliable; White wine is liquid bully; Get your alcohol tolerance up; That conference ROCKED!