Social Media

BlackPlanet is the Black Hole of Irrelevance

Social networking makes the world go round nowadays. In my High School days, I used to eHang on AOL Instant Messenger, (remember that?), and of course BlackPlanet. There were many lunchtimes when we’d all go into the computer lab to update our BP pages on some “Girl, did you see my new picture???”. Just gleeful in our teenage state.

Anywho, the other day while eLoitering on Twitter, someone mentioned how they knew someone who still had a BlackPlanet page. Wait, what? Did I fall through a space-time continuum and land squarely in Y2K? Are people still stunting with 2-way pagers and grayscale screen cellphones? Christina Aguilera, is that you coming out that genie bottle? Stop playing! Is that an ombre FUBU jersey under a denim outfit? Is Pluto still a planet? Well slap me in the morning and tell me it’s midnight!

Blackplanet logo

BlackPlanet is where all progressive technology goes to die. Ol’ simple pages with complicated elements used to grind my gears. I still remember those overbusy profiles with emblazoned wallpaper (see: Reasons why I also can’t stand MySpace). A fully loaded BlackPlanet page could induce someone into an overstimulation-induced seizure. Trying to load a Blackplanet page took at least 5 minutes with the music and glitter used to crash my computer (especially since Dial-Up ruled the world).

Not only that, but BP was a black hole of unholy intentions. Folks would post their Magic Photo portraits, with just the right amount of ultraglare and ish to drown out their awkward features and whatnot. You know, the pics where they’d be perched on a column with their fists under their chin. Shoot, they just KNEW they looked good. Tryna find a boo and whatnot. Who knows how many hookups jump off love connections were made on Blackplanet? Someone oughta do a census survey. I’m curious.

Dang, I could easily scratch out all the BlackPlanet mentions in this post and replace with MySpace and it would still be accurate. The more things change, the more things stay the same.

There is no excuse for anyone to have a BlackPlanet page in this year of the Lord. iRebuke the notion in the name of Web 1.0 and the new Millenium. And I douse it with holy water. Get thee behind me!!! BlackPlanet is the Land of the Irrelevant. No one should have any business being on it. Not a n’an person.

BlackPlanet is more irrelevant than:

  • A $5 gas card
  • A Wachovia bank account
  • Saucony gym shoes
  • OctoMom’s NuvaRing
  • A headband for Stevie
  • A ponytail holder for Amber Rose
  • THIS Guy:


BlackPlanet is the old man at the party with Twenty-somethings raising the roof and getting jiggy with it. Yes, him in the middle. Facebook is to the left and Twitter is the one holding the drank. BlackPlanet was clearly not really welcome at the party but the cool kids were like “Oooo we should take a picture with an old head and roast him.” So that’s how this picture came about.

They oughta just let BlackPlanet ride into the sunset of the intrawebs to the Land of Abandoned Websites, along with (oh it’s still around? Dang. I may need to wrangle a lotta these sites and have a mass funegro for em). I’d rock some clogs and a respectable church fedora and we could pour out some amaretto sour to all them sites that are dead and gone (although the Dot Com bust clearly missed some).BlackPlanet needs to go sat down.

P.S. Word on the eStreet is that KING Magazine will be ceasing to exist. Where will the men get their monthly fix of Ass, Cash & Flash??? Oh yes, BET, VH1, YouTube, Google, Trina’s Calendar…

P.P.S. Happy “You Need More People April Fools Day and all that good stuff. Don’t give anyone any news today if its true, lest you wanna be side-eyed to death. Got that college acceptance letter? Wait. Expecting your first tax refund baby? Tomorrow’s a better day to break it to him. Flunking outta school? Now THAT you may wanna tell today. Your parents would think you’re lying so they won’t believe you. But you can still say “But I told you. It ain’t my fault you ain’t trust me enough to believe me.” I ain’t telling NOBODY nothing today. I’d be like “I’m Black.” Them: “Iunno. Tell me again on the 2nd. I’ont believe you.”

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  1. Jia
    March 31, 2009 at 11:32 pm

    …you already know you’re blocked, right?

    You have to.

    the end.

  2. Jia
    March 31, 2009 at 11:42 pm

    You know what…I thought I was thoo (yes, thoo) but I aint…

    Okay first off, I STILL have a BP page and I ONLY log into it when someone mentions it (and since you did, I’m gonna go log in). I was annoyed by how they TRIED to make it the negro-rigged version of Myspace (even though BP was here ‘first’). It just doesn’t quite make the cut. I still get the gold toof mafia trying to holla. I’m so over it.

    But wait…why did you say something as blasphemous as Stevie having or ever needing a headband? Why did you do that? Why? Did you not go to church Sunday? You couldn’t have. If you had, you’d know that commandment 13.75 redux says “Thou shalt neva eva neva make claims, quips or poke random fun at Stevie, for he can’t see shit and it’s just not right.”

    Yet you went and done it….

    Why did you do that, knowing that I have stitches all across my stomach right now and CANT LAUGH!? You ain’t no friend.

    Wallslide all you want…I’m quitting you as of TODAY and its nothing you can do about it.

    *sweeps long coat as she walks out the blog-door*

  3. Jay_fever
    April 1, 2009 at 12:31 am

    Ummm yeah…I still get amazed when I hear a mention of BP. Like in all honesty, I want them to succeed like the way you wish Hammer the best and ish like…good luck Hammer…Hell naw I’m not buying his cd. Myspace better take notes….the same fate is imminent.

  4. RiPPa
    April 1, 2009 at 7:09 am

    I never had a BP page ever. Back then I was on Yahoo Chat kickin it. I never understood the whole idea of “having a page” like all the Negroes did. And you’re right: on social network sites I’m somewhat of a social butterfly. Not that I don’tn like interacting with people. Its just a waste of time to go to somebody’s page when it took about the same time to load as the 9 months it took my wife to have our child.

  5. Robin Monique
    April 1, 2009 at 7:20 am

    Boo to Radio One for trying to re-brand BP as a member of the Web 2.0 family. EPIC FAIL. The days of the over-stimulative profile pages are OVER (deleted my MySpace MONTHS AGO and haven’t looked back!)

    As usual Luvvie, you a fool for this!

  6. jeanette nicole*
    April 1, 2009 at 8:19 am

    LMAO so hard at this entire post. I got an email from a friend about a website looking for guest bloggers so I went to check it out to see if it was something I'd want to be associated with. The site was affiliated with BP & headed by a man named Smokey Fontaine. Shut that ish down, immediately!

  7. TheCut
    April 1, 2009 at 9:20 am

    I remember when it used to take half the day to upload a picture, or those extra festive pages that were raining, having fireworks and/or playing music. huhh memories.

  8. Miss_Mielle
    April 1, 2009 at 10:32 am

    Luvvie I choked and died at this.

    I have a bp page, I ain’t shame to admit it. I had one in college, heck, I used to design other peoples’ pages and get paid for it. N-E-way, I shut it down years ago, but got a new one because a friend of mine kept crossing my mind and I was trying to see if he was still on there. Thanks for reminding me to shut it down though.

    I had one of those 10-minute loading pages too, it used to rain diamonds, and play music and everything. LMAO, those were the days.

    I still have a myspace though. I met my ex-fiance on myspace, and we were together 3 years and still talk on a regular basis, so I can’t really hate on it.

  9. Luvvie
    April 1, 2009 at 10:48 am

    Jia – When r u gon realize you cant quit me. You kno I LUH U GURL!!! *grabs on to Jia’s ankles*

    Jay – MySpace is shonuff on that power walk to the land of the irrelevance. Womp. I got a page for my blog on there but I never use it. I only keep it b/c Angela Missel (my fave author) wrote on my wall and said I cracked her up

    RiPPa – You dumb for that 9 months comment. LMAO!

    Robin – Gurl BP aint never SEENT Web 2.0. For shame

    Jeanette – Oh I’da had to rethink that friendship. LOL folks cant be referring u to guest blog on nothing BP affiliated. That’d bring down your property value

    TheCut – Memories of the blue screen of death b/c of BP pages. Busted

    Mielle – I needya 2 close down that page. LOL you too good for that!

  10. Tha Management
    April 1, 2009 at 10:55 am

    Sigh … let me be the one to say it:

    I still have a BP page even though I never log on or use it. What’s worse? Me and PS (TLOML) we met via black planet about 5-6 years ago. Ok, I’m glad I got that off my chesticles.

  11. Luvvie
    April 1, 2009 at 10:58 am

    Tha Management – I’m not opposed 2 folks meeting your boo online but BP and MySpace were and are chronically hookup spots. Like some folks only dated folks they met online. Them folks are the ones that gave em such a bad name. I need folks to walk out the house sometimes and actually shake a human hand.

  12. (fŭng'kē) [blak] [chik]
    April 1, 2009 at 10:58 am

    Ok, I confess, my first job out of college was with Community Connect. Yes, I worked for BlackPlanet, Migente &!

    Believe me, as bad as the pages were, working there was even worst. (no sue).


    Yeah old man was up in the club trying to get at any young piece of ass he could find! I'm so happy the promoter posted that pic on Facebook of course, b/c ppl would not have believed me if I told them, grandfathers be up in the club!

  13. Lite Bread
    April 1, 2009 at 11:30 am

    Awesomely Luvvie,
    Well, I WISH I knew what the hell you was talking about. They must have a killer security set-up on BlackPlant, ‘cause every time I tried to access it I got one of those god-damn “Warning” pages that flashed up first (kinda like the ones porn sites have that say “Warning: You gotta be an “adult” (lol) to get in here – and we know whose lying”. But, I don’t know nothing about that …).
    It always asked why my white-a** wanted in there …
    Maybe I was saved …

  14. Tha Management
    April 1, 2009 at 12:33 pm

    Luvvie, thanks for my absolution, lol. You want to know what’s worse though … we went to the same college. If I had spent 15 more minutes on campus or lifted my head out of text book for one minute, we WOULD have met the good old fashion “bump into you, drop your books, reach down and grab them, catch eyes and break out with the cheesy smile-love at first sight” kinda way.

  15. Ms_Slim
    April 2, 2009 at 12:51 pm

    Oh you took it all the way back! lol

    I honestly thought that BlackPlanet was dead, gone and was RIP with Who knew they were still around? I sure didnt. Is Xanga still around too? How are these sites getting any play still? I’m befuddled by this….

    LOL @ the picture. Old heads are at EVERY club. You’d have thought that at some point they felt outta place and unnecessary. Nope. They get it in with the best of us. Weird.

  16. JunePearl
    April 2, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    Ife!! The funniness! I can’t take anymore, bwhahahahahahahaaaaaa! OMG! And that picture, LMAO!!!! That is exactly right, old dude at the party not knowing we’re all looking at him like he needs to move to Florida and find some new Golden Girls.

    Oh, and I still have xanga…don’t judge me! LOL!! I swear, I haven’t looked at it in ages, I don’t even know the password…I need to get on that.

    *runs and hides for my never having shut down my xanga page*

    April 2, 2009 at 3:34 pm

    I should hang my head in shame … I’ve never taken down my Black Planet Page.

    I feel like such a loser right now. lol.

  18. King of Soul
    April 5, 2009 at 8:02 pm

    *dies** You just killed me but poor guy in the middle. Blackplanet has hooked a lot of people up…I know from

    By the way I still have a blackplanet page..or should I say it is still up because I don’t check it. However, I do have one friend that must have missed the BP stage and she’s on it. Very strange to me.

    You just made me laugh!

  19. verafero
    April 5, 2009 at 9:24 pm

    LOL you need an option for *DEAD*&gone&trying to find my way back home…Next, they'll bring back that man from the commercials on BET yelling about "who in the hell left the gate open?"

  20. Luvologist
    April 7, 2009 at 12:52 pm

    I don’t even understand why I haven’t subscribed as of yet because this is priceless.

  21. K to the...
    April 7, 2009 at 2:37 pm


    “Here lies Kenya…it’s Ife’s fault!”

  22. […] *BlackPlanet is Black Hole of Irrelevance – Don’t you agree? […]