If Cheeto Satan is Healthy, Then I’m a Scandinavian Princess Who Can Dunk
A couple of days ago, White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson addressed the nation to calm growing concerns that the Dunghole-in-Chief was in terrible shape health-wise. The doctor told us all that Mango Mussolini is in great health physically and mentally. He also claimed that the Fanta Fascist is 6’3″ …
I Know Why Taylor Swift is on TIME’s Person of the Year Cover But WHY is She on the Cover?
The much-anticipated honor of TIME’s Person of the Year just got announced, and they chose “Silence Breakers.” Inspired by this year’s #MeToo hashtag, which took the internet by storm, this makes perfect sense. “Me Too” is more than a hashtag, though. Before Alyssa Milano tweeted that, it was a campaign that …
Blake Shelton is People’s 2017 Sexiest Man Alive Because Everything is Stupid
To be honest, I don’t pay much attention to People Magazine, nor do I take their shenanigans as truth (except for that one time when they featured my book. That was totally legit). So their annual “Sexiest Man Alive” and “Most Beautiful People” list is usually laughable because it’s hella …
Whose Ghost is This? Oh It’s Sammy Sosa
You know what is an everlasting bastard? When people fall from grace spectacularly. Y’all. A picture was circulating last week and I had to make sure it wasn’t photoshop. It was of baseball great, Sammy Sosa, standing on the streets of London and it scared the bejeez out of me. …
Jane Fonda’s Death Stare to Megyn Kelly Soothed My Soul
Y’all. Y’ALL. In these times of dumpster fire, joy must come wherever we can find it and I have found glee today! Megyn Kelly, white privilege Barbie, has a new morning show on NBC. Those fools over there chose her over Tamron Hall, so you know I already wasn’t wishing …
Dear Maria Sharapova, You Should Release a Song Called Mad and Mediocre
Maria Sharapova is releasing a memoir titled Unstoppable and excerpts of the book came out. She fixes her mouth (and hands) to talk about Serena Williams in the book, and I just need to write her a letter because Maria got life all the way wrong, so she’s earned this …
Don’t Come for Cher on DACA. You Might Get Ethered
Cheeto Satan and his administration sunk to new lows of cruelty this week when it was announced that DACA (Defered Action for Childhood Arrivals) was being rescinded. This leaves around 800,000 people vulnerable and uncertain of their future in this country. As an immigrant, I stand with other immigrants. DREAMers …
So I Met FLOTUS Michelle Obama and Her Hug Felt Like World Peace
During the Obama Administration *thinks back fondly as she weeps bitterly* I went to the White House about 6 or 7 times. In fact, in their last year in office, I was there 4 times and spoke 3 times. I even swag-surfed on the WH lawn during SXSL. Yet and still, I never …
Count Diddy Won at the 2017 Met Gala
The Met Gala is the annual meeting of people who Anna Wintour can still stand. It is an assemblage of the most ferocious people in music, media, movies and more. It is a place that we all act like we wouldn’t like to be invited but we’re lying and we too …
Serena Williams is All Of Us. If We Got Superpowers.
You know what I don’t have time for? Serena Williams and her perpetual showing that some of us are just mere mortals while she’s a citizen of Mount Olympus. Actually, lemme quit lying. I GOT ALL THE TIME FOR IT. That woman is extraordinary. Sheesh. Yesterday, we found out that …