Don’t Worry About Malia Obama; Worry About Your Eyebrows
Do we remember the walking messes that were the Bush Twins, Jenna and Barbara? Them two got into so much mayhem that they were basically Mario and Luigi. There’s pics on pics of them falling over themselves, drunk, as their daddy flushed the country’s economy down the toilet. In comparison, the Obama girls have been angels. Even without comparison, those girls have carried themselves with much more grace than they should even know how at this point in life.
I needed to start this there because LEST YE FORGET. Them two didn’t even try that hard to act like they had couth so any critiques of the Obama girls needs to be tempered, because what came before them was that. The Bush Twins did not get lambasted like they could have. And y’all ain’t gon come for the edges of my baes, Malia and Sasha. NO YOU WILL NOT.
Malia Obama, First Daughter, First of Her Name, She of House Obama, Daughter to Barack and Michelle, has been in the news lately. First, for a video that was captured on someone’s phone of her dancing and hiking up her skirt at Lollapalooza. People said she should behave better, and I wanted to tell all those people to shut their mouths wide open.
She was at Lollapalooza, a concert where having behavior is super optional. She was dancing and she had on shorts. She exposed nothing. WHAT is the gahtdamb problem??
Also important, the Obama girls have maintained decorum for so long. I’d wanna shake something too if my every move was monitored by Secret Service and I was basically caged up at the White House for 7 long ass years. I do not wanna hear from the “she should know better” crew. She is 18, and her flipping up her skirt (while wearing shorts underneath) is the least of troubles she could get into.
This is my face too, Malia. I’m sick of people too.
My only wish for her in that situation was that she had more rhythm. Folks were talmbout she was caught “twerking.” That’s like me saying I’m a gymnast because I did a cartwheel. That was not a twerk. It was a slight butt shimmy. Bless her heart, though. Even if she was twerking… AND SO? Who gives a shit? Girl, dance dance dance and forget your sorrow.
No sooner than the unnecessary hoopla died down, Malia’s name is back in folks’ mouth because a picture was released. It was from some selfie, traitorous summagoat, and it shows her smoking a blunt. It looks like it was from Lollapalooza too. Now, people are really butthurt and slandering Malia.
I. WANT. PEOPLE. TO. SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. SO. BAD. Don’t worry about Malia. Worry about your eyebrows!
You mean a teenager is doing things that teenagers do?? You mean she dares to try THE MARIJUANA at the tender age of 18 when some of y’all been toking up since you could cross the street yourself? You mean she smoked weed at a music concert where you often need to be high to have a good time because the music is too damb loud and being drunk is the other alternative? I AM SHOCKED AND APPALLED. But no. I am not. If my daddy was running the free world, I might need to take a hit every now and then too.
Let her live. Let her nuts go. LET HER BE FREE.
Besides the japper jaws who are scolding the First Daughter, the folks I’m mad at in both of these situations are her friends. I think she needs better friends, and Blacker ones. The ONLY thing she needs are better friends.
Because you know what I’d do if my bestie was the First Daughter? Snatch phones outta hands the moment they point it towards her when we’re partying. Our crew would form a tight circle around her when it’s time for shenanigans so we are a wall and all prying eyes can see nothing. They need to teach “How to Squad Up for Your Girl” classes at Sidwell Academy because… NAWL.
For real. When your crew includes the most famous teenager in the country, it is your job to protect her. That comes with the friendship bracelet and that is an oath signed in invisible ink. Because of her high profile, you protect her and ensure that she can still have fun. And that she doesn’t get more punished for the same fun you’re having.
Squad goals for me, you and Malia
You are supposed to have her back AND her front and periphery. All this footage of her being outchea being snapped AND posted? Nah, son. Her crew gotta handle this better. Who is the snitch? They need to be cut out from the friendship circle IMMEJATELY. Because was our girl needs is more loyalty. She needs the kinda girls who know how to get turnt AND move in silence like real Gs in gnome. She needs folks who people talk about like “Don’t mess with Malia. Her friends are crazy.”
Malia seems to be the kind who is chill and not really gonna go against the grain. She seems like such a sweetheart, and grounded. She also seems to be the less turnt Obama sis. To be honest, I’m just waiting on Natasha (Sasha) Obama’s revelry and carefree Black girl-ness. I’ll be here cheering it on.
After this gap year, Malia will be at Harvard. College is a time for true fuckshit, so if folks are mad at these pics now, imagine how mad they’ll be at Undergrad Malia. This is why it is super important that she gets more discerning now about who she surrounds herself with. Who is trustworthy? The last thing she needs are saboteurs and thirst buckets who will rush and post drunk selfies on Instagram and Snapchat. Ain’t gon be no Periscoping our girl after 9pm.
Folks gotta be ready to destroy the phones of those who don’t wanna cooperate with these rules.
We gotta find Malia better friends. Because Black girls and women are scrutinized deeper than others, and we are held to such high standards while being treated like low lifes. We gotta find her SQUAD that is about that life on her behalf. These white girls she’s kicking it with don’t know that she can’t be out here like they can and get away with it like they can. She’s out here being a victim of Becky with the Smartphone. Look at life. She needs more sisthrens around her.
Who shall they be? Where will be find them? Do we need to pray to manifest them in her life? Because like the Nigerian prayer warrior I aspire to be, I am ready at all times.
Dear God, please send angels of advancement to Malia Obama on today. Please show her the snakes that are lying in her grass. Cut the disloyal weeds from Sister Obama’s surroundings and replace them with flowers of devotion. Please break the phones of those who try to get her in trouble, and cover her with your cloth of sanctuary. May the enemies not prosper to squelch this girl’s glory and MAY SHE BE ABLE TO TURN UP IN PEACE.
In Jesus mighty, prosperous and omnipotent name, AMEN.
Eh heh! Enjoy your life, Malia boo. We gotchu.
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61 Comments
Please Malia. ..in all that is holy….GET YOU AT LEAST TWO BLACK FRIENDS PLEASE. …TWO BLACK GIRL FRIENDS WILL HAVE YOUR BACK….it’s what she needs…go smoke with some brown girls
You are too funny,
Cory, I used your “reply” link cause that was the only way could make my statement. Malia STAYAWAY from those white girls. They are nothing but low-life trouble who will turn on you like a whirlwind! We love you. Hang Tough!
Ma’am! I just need folks to let her be! And where was this? Because it is legal to smoke recreationally in the District of Columbia. Just sayin’.
Next: her mama will have her edges soon enough. I don’t understand why folks think shit is gonna be okay at her house. We should put a special prayer in to cover her from her mama’s wrath.
In conclusion: I cosign on the fuck you and eyebrows! Your prayer is everrathang! Because it is needed! I’m ready to fight people that mess with Luvvie from 1,000 miles away! These friends of hers ain’t loyal.
She needs friends that will guard her heart, ass and cell phone number. Let thy friendships be infused with melanin and malarkey, coyness and incognegros, shenaningans and short shorts. Amen!
Yes! She has to see her mama on this. Poor girl!!
That was the first thing I thought about too….her Mama. Michelle is not having that. I feel sorry for her. Lbvvs….. #Love your comment
This is why Sasha got sent away to work. Less witnesses….
I was wondering why; 1.This was news and 2.When she gon’ get better friends?
Both her rhythmless shimmy and this little puff puff were no big deal for an 18 teen. She’s pretty tame compared to the messy Bush twins and if we jump across the pond, Prince Harry the party animal.
LET. HER. LIVE.
Her friends are complete and utter trash!
Yasss Luvvie we have to cover her with a disciple squad less Judas… May there be many in her cipher for protection of the social media whore demons! #fixitmarysbaby
I wish I had more words for that selfie-poster. All I got is trifilin.
“Because Black girls and women are scrutinized deeper than others, and we are held to such high standards while being treated like low lifes.”
No truer words have been spoken. Ever.
The truest of words. Ugh I wish they’d let a high schooler live!! And she def needs NEW FRIENDS before she steps foot on campus. Friends that will be down for her for real real. Cause those she got now ain’t worth a lick of salt. Ugh I’m mad at the friends more than I’m mad at Malia for doing teenage things!! They’re petty and fake to allow anything like that to happen. SO petty.
I just wish there was a picture of her parents trynna tell her something while her eyes are rolling to the heavens. Oh sweet normalcy. I was worried about her turning out and OD-ing in college. Slow and steady wins the race Malia! But yes, you need a better BFF besides you. Don’t be afraid to party with the baby sister. It’ll be alright.
Kenyan prayer warrior roots rose up from the ashes SPECIFICALLY for this moment, Father God in THE MIGHTY NAME OF JESUS!
That poor girl will be WORN OUT by the time her folks is done with her. Oy.
‘S’alright, girl. Switch your troop around, tho’ Dem Gurlz You With Ain’t Loyal.
As much as Hillary irks my soul, Malia needs an airtight circle like her play-auntie. Don’t shit get past them heffas. Hillary could drop their asses like a hot potato, and they’ll still fuck you up over ol’ girl. SN: The only black girls I ever see them around are those same twins(?) that are always pictured with them coming off of Air Force One.
Malia does have black friends. You wouldn’t know this because they do a great job of keeping her protected. I’ve seen pics of her partying with the sons and daughters (mostly mature college students) of the well connected and monied “black bourgeoisie” at a few spots in D.C., GWU and of course on the Vineyard. There are also pics of her and her black friends in the studio with Lil Wayne and more. You’ve never seen any of these pics because this close group of friends understand the consequences their high profile friend would have to face if the pics were sold. (plus, they don’t need the money) The thing is, if you knew the names of her black friends, you could go to their Instagram and see the pics.
She needs a goon squad. Leave dem becky’s alone! Get you a laquita, sheniqua or a maria. If u have to have a couple of beckys, let quita, nick and maria conchita interrogate them and teach them about squad life!
Every single word of this right here. Every. Single. Word.
Just touching and agreeing!! ????????????
Yes and amen!
You are on point, Luvvie.
She’s 18…geesh..weren’t you ever 18?
Folks need to sit down about this.
When I think of how I was rolling in that 18 through college years stretch…what did they used to say about the ’60s, if you can remember it all you really didn’t live it? Substitute the ’80s for the ’60s and that was me.
Let the girl live. She (and Sasha) have been the model First Daughters, they’re entitled to cut loose. And no doubt Malia will learn from the experience.
Between this bullshiggedy and people going after Gabby Douglas because she *GASP* didn’t put her hand on her heart while the Star Spangled Banner played yesterday, I’m ready to introduce more than a few folks’ posteriors to my size 8 Keds.
Malia my darling girl, you need to meet my daughter Naomi – she who is not to be played with, militant 19 year older jamerican friend/sis who will get you turnt with the STEALTH…..you let me know baby girl, she alone would have your back…..and your dance game cause……
Naomi sounds PURR-FECT for dis’ sitch right hyah. Dem Becky’s don’t know how to do.
I’m not worried about Malia, and second everything you said, Luvvie. But I’m not gonna lie, you got me thinking about my eyebrows. |:(
Lordess knows I thank ALL the gods and goddesses that smart phones and social media didn’t exist when I was out wilin’.
That said, how can ANYONE with ride or die girls & boys not be out here seconding, thirding and fourthing this to high heaven? It’s only by the Grace of Homies (TM) that none of that business I did business with didn’t get back to the people that could have snapped it and my teeny tiny life in the bud.
Malia, we can help. Whatchu need? Cuz we got you. We will head. hunt. Mark it.
That skirt flip was some corny white girl stuff. I would love to have been a fly on the wall when Auntie Michelle and Granny Robinson got a hold of her. I’m having mama flash backs now and it ain’t pretty. Malia needs to know you can’t do what they do. Just because the schools name has the word Friend in it doesn’t mean they are all yours.
Say that again!
I only saw one pic of the supposed blunt incident. Check it again y’all. She isn’t smoking nothing. Check out the blonde behind her and then carry on. She’s not toking. Even if she was though…all of what you said AweLuv.
The Bush twins were in college when their dad came into office. I was in college in Texas at the same time and heard from people who knew one of them that she was definitely a hard-partying sorority girl.
Compare that to the Obama girls, who were much younger when their father went into office. They are also the first children of a President to live in the White House during the time of smartphones and social media.
In the past, the media tried not to write too much about the presidential children…as most agreed they should be able to lead a private life (aka Chelsea Clinton).
Unfortunately, thanks to smartphones and social media…this type of privacy is now gone. I feel for the girls, but the interest in them will wane (somewhat) once the President is out of office– I’d imagine they’ll have more privacy in college. In this day and age- someone is always watching, whether or not your friends have your back.
Yes, we all remember those nights on 6th street in Austin! 😉
Article was right on!!!! I don’t need to say anything eles, you said it all!!!
1) She needs her own suicide squad, most especially a black Harley Quinn…with a bat. See who gon mess with her with dem smartphones now ???? We ready and we coming.
2) In the words of my dear friend: Twerking is an art. You and I both can shake our assets, but we can not twerk. Because it’s an art.
So, she was just shaking it off like Taylor lying-Swiftly was saying. Let a gal be!
And having a blunt? Luvvie already said all the points so I won’t even touch on it
#letagalbe
I admit I’m a little worried over the situation, for precisely the reasons you stated Luvvie. She will face extra scrutiny and judgement than the Bush girls did back in their heyday because she’s black, and this is the everybody-and-they-mama-got-an-opinion social media age.
Most teens have their rebellious moments (I never tried that shiz, cuz my mom beat my ass for coming home late from the LIBRARY, and then I lived with an aunt who was always threatening to put me out, and I didn’t wanna be homeless, so…), but they don’t have to live under the microscope of public opinion. I hope Malia does weed (hehe) out her circle of friends, and learns to turn up responsibly. I know Michelle has already tied fire to that ass, and Mama Robinson gave her the “I’m so disappointed” look and didn’t give her ice cream after the storm. Malia will be ok as long as she’s smart about the company she keeps.
Sasha now… She’s the one I always pegged as the one who would cause the ruckus. You see that girl’s permanent stank face? Lol! She looks like the type we call ‘dry yie (eye)’ in Jamaica, meaning a true baddie and what about it? Lol!
(SN) Did we all forget that her daddeh probably spent the majority of his undergrad years floating thru the clouds? Have we forgotten the pics of him blowing smoke that I find sexy as hell, despite the fact that I can’t even be in the same room as a smoker? Lissen, had I encountered Young Barry, I’d have been so gone. I’d have been lighting that man’s cigarettes and joints, playing puff puff pass and probably flunking out of school. And I’m a nerd.
“Sasha now… She’s the one I always pegged as the one who would cause the ruckus. You see that girl’s permanent stank face?”
SASHA is the one I been keeping an eye on. Second daughters have no fuggs to give…they don’t have the responsibility of being the first daughter or the oldest…we live our lives doing our own damn thing. (See Solange, Tracee Ellis Ross, etc.)
And I’m just WAITING for the day Sasha gives the world something. It’s going to be GLORIOUS!
Don’t I know it! First daughter here. I have an ounce or two of chill. My younger sister has naught. She was born chill deficient. My mother expended all her energy making sure I didn’t disgrace the family (me, the nerd who toed the line), so by the time my sis could talk, she was already making it clear she didn’t give a shit.
What about Michael Phelps, we all know he had a bong? Now he’s swimming in the Olympic, double standards. Some people can brag about smoking….what if she was just vaporing?
Chances are good that she will get her Black friends in college. I grew up in the DC area (Alexandria, VA) and had mostly white friends in high school because I was in class with them (brainiac that I was). All that changed when I went to the College of William and Mary. I went from seeing Black people every day in my community to white isolation in college and it hurt. There were sooooooo few Black people there I went out of my way to find them…..Black Student Organization, NAACP, Black parties….those were the things I needed. We just need to pray her through her gap year and she should settle down with some Black friends….I hope.
Thank God, I only wasted my time on 1 paragraph. Now I know why online articles are doing just as bad as newspapers. So much stereotypical nonsense writing, “duh, look at the white girl, she did far worse” “everyone does it”
No, Martin. You are not the audience.
And alas, that is fine. The beauty of the Internet is that there is a place for everyone and yu can go there to find like minded people and enjoy life in your silo.
I mean I don’t go to gaming blogs and go out of my way to post a comment to complain and call the content trash writing just because I don’t understand or just because it use jargon and references that are foreign to me.
Everything isn’t for you, son.
Just go about your merry way and don’t let the door knob hit ya where the good Lord split ya!
Co-sign @TheSweeper!
Or you could open your ears and learn a thing or two. You can use your voice to shut people down but it doesn’t change the problems out there. You can’t change other people’s experiences by calling them “stereotypical nonsense.”
She definitely needs better friends. And I hope she have a ball in college -you only live once!
My 5’10” redheaded hippie chick Valkyrie Mama, would be a good addition if it weren’t logistically impossible. She’s been managing her squad for six years; college senior now. She carries everything anyone might need on her Purse of Requirements: bandaid, tampons, mouthwash, tissues, wet wipes, safety pins, ibuprofen, water, Emergen-C vitamin water powder, peppermint (stomach soother), scissors, mending kit, extra shades, hair elastics, pick (curly hair), Bert’s Bees lip gloss in Coffee, and a hundred other goodies. She’s tall enough to circle up protectively even for another tall girl like Malia, afraid of nothing, and intimidating as hell. She drinks only a little bit and doesn’t toke; she likes to make sure her little chicks are gathered behind her skirts (she has some petite friends). She sizes up the guys who come round, ejects the douches, keeps an eye on trial runs of the others. She dances adorkable white girl style that instantly makes everyone else look cooler in comparison. She doesn’t care; she has fun taking care of everybody else. Oh, and she’s beautiful.
This sounds like I’m assigning Malia a Mary Poppins. But Leah is really a ball of fierce safe fun. She’s politically savvy, feminist, determined to break the back of racism in her generation.
These people are crazy! Have you ANY idea of the shit I was getting into at the age of 18???? Hell I’m 51 years old now…do you have any idea the amount of ignent mess I was getting into LAST NIGHT????
Ya’ll better leave Malia alone!
We need the Fruits of Islam to hold down the hangers on, stat. Forget the Secret Service.
Those Beckies ain’t loyal. I put forward as BFFs that girl from Blackiss, Gabby douglass
Now see, was I the only one who thought the “smoking” pic looked fake? Either way…she needs better friends. REAL friends would have shut that down so quick. Can y’all imagine the talking to she got from Barack and Michelle tho? LOL
Keep it 100 ya’ll!!!!!
Malia needs a SistaCircle!! I have a SisterCircle of 5…I believe the saying goes…a 3 strand knot is not easily broken…well a knot of six Sistas, if you are not careful with your words or actions…WILL get you a OOOPS UPSIDE YA HEAD, yup A OOPS UPSIDE YO HEAD!! YaaassSiiiirr! I made sure my daughter saw my SistaCircle and knew what we were about; & it helped her create her own, helped her be selective abt who she let get close….who a sista could trust with her “business” …and it showed her how/what/when/why real SistaLoves looks like.
Malia prolly got calls from all her play-Aunties…Oprah, Gail, Beyonce’ & Hilary; talmbout “Girl, where was yo Sistas?!? (yes, i mentioned Hilary on purpose…cause we know Bill was our “trial-run” on a Black President., which makes Hilary one of the play-Aunties) “Chile, why you out w/o yo real back-up, without that SistaCircle!!”
I, however, will pray that the Universe provides her with a Crew of Protection…no doubt these next 4 years gonna have plenty of tongues a’flappin…No worries Malia – you got a whole LuvvNation cheering you on! You Go Girl!!
Luvvie, your prayer made me want to reach out for the hem of His garment. One request – Can we edit to “please cover her with the precious, matchless blood of Jesus and your cloth of sanctuary?” I’m Pentecostal, and I feel like there needs to be a reference to the precious blood. Let me know. Me and my Nana would be most appreciative. Please also let know where I should send personal prayer requests – you clearly have the main line.
Love you, btw. Your posts are the highlight of my day.
Laud are we even confirmed that she was hitting that LOUD cause the way she was holding it is not the standard …it looks like she was smokin a regular cig cause there is a certain angle and elegance that is associated with smoking Loud that is not seen in the vid…ahem … im just say
Luvvie ..that prayer was everything … may I please call on you the next time I need a blessing cause you got dat gift chile
Her dad is The President, surely he can get her Zendaya’s phone number. Not only is she woke, but you know Zendaya is hella fun to hang with. There is no evidence of that fun though because she obviously surrounds herself with good people. Call cousin Daya and stay the hell away from the Judas that was snapping your pics and sold them for $20 and cheap weed laced with oregano
That wasn’t a joint that she had up to her lips. You can see the cigarette filter. The dismeter us right for a cig, and the cole is cigarette, not joint. Its a cigarette!
I actually spent a few concerts with Malia and her friends at Lolla this year (no one will believe that but whatever) and she does have black friends, and very nice and cool ones at that. That was my only problem with this article- that the author assumed that she doesn’t have black friends because the videos and photos or whatever that got out (I haven’t looked at them because I was there) had white people in them. AND her black and white friends alike were yelling at and exposing people who were trying to sneak photos/videos of her the entire weekend, even people who she wasn’t friends with (me) were yelling at those people.
Let Malia live without scrutiny about who her friends are, let’s not make assumptions.
Never comment on these things. BUT YES! She needs better friends that have her back. YES! Be free!!
This just brightened my day! Thanks for all that sisterhood.
Maybe she should have made a video naked while straddling a Wrecking Ball & stuck her behind into a married man crotch on national TV. We’d have more respect for her and want to her to be a mentor for other young people.
That prayer thou…we bout to need 3-4 of them same prayers for Sasha cuz she got “gives no fcks” in her eyes. And I appreciate that **nods heads while typing**
“Because Black girls and women are scrutinized deeper than others, and we are held to such high standards while being treated like low lifes.”
This statement is Everything!!
Anyone else notice a very similar article on The Root today?!!! ????