Blake Shelton is People’s 2017 Sexiest Man Alive Because Everything is Stupid
To be honest, I don’t pay much attention to People Magazine, nor do I take their shenanigans as truth (except for that one time when they featured my book. That was totally legit). So their annual “Sexiest Man Alive” and “Most Beautiful People” list is usually laughable because it’s hella milquetoast. But I wanna make fun of something and they are today’s target.
They picked Blake Shelton as their Sexiest Man Alive.
You might be all “who is that?” Correct. That is the right answer. I had to Google him cuz I surely didn’t know. All I noticed was I saw a dudebro with the most generic face called “Sexiest man alive” and I wondered if there was nobody else alive. There’s a white person reading this right now who is appalled because I don’t know who Blake shelton is. WELL I AM APPALLED YOU DON’T KNOW FRANKIE BEVERLY AND MAZE SO CONSIDER US EVEN, K???
I literally cannot describe Blake Shelton because he has the sort of face that is a copy and paste job. Like, on the day God was putting him together, God was all “Oh wow. It’s the Sabbath already. I should be resting.” And then He copied the face of like 500 other people he had made and VOILA! Blake’s face happened. This is not to say the man is ugly. Actually, he is attractive in that “I’ve seen this face 1,000 times before” non-descript way. No offense (which means I mean ALL the offense) but he got template attractive face but everything about his features is basic. To describe him is to use words like: general. And common.
So much caucasery went into this pick. SO. MUCH.
THAT dude is the sexiest man alive? If I tried to point him out in a room, I’d just go: he’s white with brown hair and he has ears and he’s not ugly. Nothing about him stands out. All his features are trying so hard to play nice with each other that none of them raised their hands when asked.
Anywho, so I Googled to find out who he is and apparently he is a singer who is a judge on The Voice and he is married to Gwen Stefani. Honestly, the tidbit about him being married to Gwen was the most interesting thing about him. That’s the only time my eyebrows jumped up in curiosity. But then I quickly got bored of that fact too.
And then I did more digging and saw that Twitter was dragging him. Why? Because he’s said some uncouth things in the past.
I know Blake owns so many pairs of cargo pants that unzip at the knees to become cargo shorts. I JUST KNOW IT.
All I do know is that EVERYTHING is stupid. Everything. Nothing makes sense anymore in this world where a walking trash bag runs our country. So of course it makes sense that a man I can’t even pick out of a “Pick out Blake” lineup even though he’s rocking a tshirt that says “I am Blake” becomes sexiest man alive. This is a world where Idris Elba lives and breathes. Where The Rock flexes his muscles and panties fall off. Where Jason Momoa walks around looking like what it looks like when God TAKES HIS TIME on a being. None of those people should exist in a world where Blake Shelton is considered the sexiest. It must be opposite
day YEAR. It’s the same world where Steve Bannon looks like he’s rotting from the inside out, yet considers himself to be part of a master race. Topsy turvy AF.
I’m lowkey offended for actual sexy white guys. Because this is an insult to them too.
People Magazine, go home. You’re drunk.
Update: do yourself a favor and go read the comments on my FB page about this. Somebody said ‘He looks like he says “Aww shucks” right before he climaxes.’ I am inconsolable. ???????????? READ HERE AND GET YOUR LIFE.
Have you bought my NYTimes-bestselling debut book I’M JUDGING YOU: The Do-Better Manual? Haven’t ordered it yet? Now’s your chance. You’ll love it. Amazon. Barnes & Nobles. iBooks. Audible (I narrated the audiobook myself). Kobo. Books-A-Million.