Blake Shelton is People’s 2017 Sexiest Man Alive Because Everything is Stupid
To be honest, I don’t pay much attention to People Magazine, nor do I take their shenanigans as truth (except for that one time when they featured my book. That was totally legit). So their annual “Sexiest Man Alive” and “Most Beautiful People” list is usually laughable because it’s hella milquetoast. But I wanna make fun of something and they are today’s target.
They picked Blake Shelton as their Sexiest Man Alive.
BISH WHERE
You might be all “who is that?” Correct. That is the right answer. I had to Google him cuz I surely didn’t know. All I noticed was I saw a dudebro with the most generic face called “Sexiest man alive” and I wondered if there was nobody else alive. There’s a white person reading this right now who is appalled because I don’t know who Blake shelton is. WELL I AM APPALLED YOU DON’T KNOW FRANKIE BEVERLY AND MAZE SO CONSIDER US EVEN, K???
I literally cannot describe Blake Shelton because he has the sort of face that is a copy and paste job. Like, on the day God was putting him together, God was all “Oh wow. It’s the Sabbath already. I should be resting.” And then He copied the face of like 500 other people he had made and VOILA! Blake’s face happened. This is not to say the man is ugly. Actually, he is attractive in that “I’ve seen this face 1,000 times before” non-descript way. No offense (which means I mean ALL the offense) but he got template attractive face but everything about his features is basic. To describe him is to use words like: general. And common.
So much caucasery went into this pick. SO. MUCH.
THAT dude is the sexiest man alive? If I tried to point him out in a room, I’d just go: he’s white with brown hair and he has ears and he’s not ugly. Nothing about him stands out. All his features are trying so hard to play nice with each other that none of them raised their hands when asked.
Anywho, so I Googled to find out who he is and apparently he is a singer who is a judge on The Voice and he is married to Gwen Stefani. Honestly, the tidbit about him being married to Gwen was the most interesting thing about him. That’s the only time my eyebrows jumped up in curiosity. But then I quickly got bored of that fact too.
And then I did more digging and saw that Twitter was dragging him. Why? Because he’s said some uncouth things in the past.
I know Blake owns so many pairs of cargo pants that unzip at the knees to become cargo shorts. I JUST KNOW IT.
All I do know is that EVERYTHING is stupid. Everything. Nothing makes sense anymore in this world where a walking trash bag runs our country. So of course it makes sense that a man I can’t even pick out of a “Pick out Blake” lineup even though he’s rocking a tshirt that says “I am Blake” becomes sexiest man alive. This is a world where Idris Elba lives and breathes. Where The Rock flexes his muscles and panties fall off. Where Jason Momoa walks around looking like what it looks like when God TAKES HIS TIME on a being. None of those people should exist in a world where Blake Shelton is considered the sexiest. It must be opposite day YEAR. It’s the same world where Steve Bannon looks like he’s rotting from the inside out, yet considers himself to be part of a master race. Topsy turvy AF.
I’m lowkey offended for actual sexy white guys. Because this is an insult to them too.
People Magazine, go home. You’re drunk.
Update: do yourself a favor and go read the comments on my FB page about this. Somebody said ‘He looks like he says “Aww shucks” right before he climaxes.’ I am inconsolable. ???????????? READ HERE AND GET YOUR LIFE.
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99 Comments
He’s not actually married to Gwen Stefani. They’ve just been dating since she divorced Gavin Rossdale who must be rolling his eyes that his ex-wife’s boyfriend is the sexiest man alive. Hell Gavin Rossdale is twenty times sexier than Blake Shelton.
Preach, Elizabeth!!
There was an old 80s commercial that stated you needed three bowls of Corn Flakes to equal one bowl of Total. Not even three Blake Sheltons could equal one Gavin Rossdale.
Gavin Rossdale is way hotter
Yeah, Gavin is so sexy… that’s why he cheated on her with two nannies and friend of his in the whole span of their marriage.
Sexy is lost when you’re a loser which I feel this article showed about Mr. BS. People just shouldn’t tweet if they want to keep any dignity about themselves.
Blake also cheated on his first wife with Miranda Lambert.
Miranda was his second wife …
I’m by no means a BS fan, but I just really lack any kind or good hearted emotion toward Rossdale. I used to think he was really cool, but then when he was living off of her and not making an effort with his own musical career and then cheating multiple times while they were having children. It just turned me away. So whether he’s attractive or not, he’s ugly in my eyes.
But she did defend him saying “all this took place a long time ago.” She is officially uninvited to Blaxit and she can stay here and keep choking Blake’s unseasoned chicken.
I’m not sure Blake’s divorce is final yet, either.
Awesomelyluvvie, I’ve never read you before but I would like to again. You are hilarious! I might just have to buy your book.
I was so in love with Gavin when I was 16. I was convinced the song Glycerine was about me.
Gavin was a hottie, I don’t know if I like him as a person but still far better then Blake
People magazine is tired. Take a nap.
I bet you all the men at the last bodybuilding competition I went to were a milli more times sexier than Blake. Individually! Not collectively.
(quiet voice) I know who Blake is and I also own FB and Maze cds (/quiet voice)
You don’t have to use a quiet voice, hon. Plenty if black people know who Blake Shelton is and it’s Maze ft. Frankie Beverly.
You dont have to always look sexy to be sexy…this man works hard for a living and if i saw him in a room …not noing who he was i would surely ask him out..so why doesnt he deserve to be the sexiest man of the year…because in my eyes he is inside. And out..can u say that about yourself…leave him have his moment….so many jealous people out there…he is sexy in his own way..to tell u the truth do u think your opionion matters anyway….
Tricia, I guess you missed the whole homophobic racist part. Those things are not okay and make a person very unsexy no matter how hard working or generically attractive they are. That’s not jealousy, it’s knowing right from wrong. And yeah, my opinion does matter.
Keep going, I love this crap, considering the only other new is Trump related (now that’s just scary!)
I concur, Tricia. Sexy is in the eyes of the beholder, and People Magazine chooses and votes on whomever they want based on various things other than looks. I agree, Let Blake be great and have his shine.
I’m an African-American and country music is my favorite genre. I have never seen or have any desire to see Frankie Beverly, but he is an attractive man as well.
I’ve read elsewhere that the “winner” of this “honor” has to approve being selected first and apparently other men have turned People Magazine down before. Blake must have been the first one to return People’s phone call.
None of which excuses this choice, obviously. I think they need to alter their title slightly for accuracy: “Blake Shelton – (our 47th choice for) Sexiest Man Alive!”
I’d love to know who has turned it down in the past.
Ryan Gosling
Dude ain’t even today’s lollipop flavor. Looks like he doesn’t bathe. But as one person stated, even though People failed to acknowledge the obvious, Idris Elba still gets to be Idris Elba.
Idris wins, all day every day. Regarding the flavors, he’s a stale old doctors lollypop. Trying to blue raspberry when he’s really the question mark.
I love me some Ryan Gossling. RG slander is not tolerated.
I was 46th and I did not return my phone call.
I can name on both hands people sexier than Blake Shelton who aren’t trash people. People has to have been drunk that day.
Agreed!
But can I just say, who ever this man’s publicist is? Most effective person EVER. Because there is no reason for this dude to get anything, and here we are. Go, publicist, for the coup of the year.
He doesn’t have one. I looked into it. Crazy, right?
They’ve never heard of Anthony Joshua no??
#retardation
#truefoolishment
One reaction. Barf! So many men out there who look better inside and out. So much to pick from. Can we hit reset?
You’re going to have to give me a heads up when you mention Idris Elba, The Rock, and Jason Momoa in the same paragraph. Sweet Lord Baby Jesus. I got palpitations, panties falling off, knees going weak. Almost fell out of my chair.
Tammy, you and me both.
Amen, Tammy!
And say ALL us Tammie’s!!
This comment cracked me up! I am crying at my desk. Bless you for making my day, Tammie, bless you.
So say we all *swoon*
This got me wondering about my sins because I saw this “Sexiest man alive” and wondered if the rapture happened and it was just me, the Trump Administration, and Blake Shelton left here.
Looked up BS’ tweet; it seems like he scrubbed it. Glad you have the screenshot.
I’m with you, Anita. For me that was the only logical explanation. Or that everybody else died.
We are in the darkest timeline.
Love the Community reference and so true for this day and age!
This thread has me giggling! You went full Community and now I love you.
I mean, if the local PTA had a “sexiest dad in the school district” award, sure, some dude who looks like Shelton would win. And that would be fair.
but in the world? No. Literally my first reaction was “did Idris Elba die? How did nobody TELL ME Idris Elba died!” because….what.
Maggie said it best!
As a school board member, I have seen a lot of parents in my district and I can think of about a hundred who would be WAY ahead of Blake Shelton. I seriously can’t think of a single school in my area, where he could even come in second.
Oh my god…Luvvie, you’re a treasure. I laughed so hard at the Skeletor meme that nothing but a little wheezy squeak was coming out.
When my friend IMed me about this today, I also had to google Blake to be sure which country dudebro he was, and my reaction was also…”What about Idris? The Rock? Jason Momoa?” Though, full disclosure, my list of sexier people also included several other members of the Game of Thrones cast, Lenny Kravitz, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Mike Colter and countless other people.
He’s from Oklahoma and when my in-laws house burned to the ground and they had no insurance he saw it on the news and fronted the money to have their house rebuilt. When we met him he was so nice and so humble. That said, he’s not the sexiest man alive lol.
I cannot with the Aw shucks before climax. My only reason for knowing who he is because I use to watch The Voice before it became mind-numbing. When he and Gwen became an item I thought damn, for her and why? Yes, there are real sexy men out there still waiting to make that list.
ummm People magazine…….Idris Elba, Jason Mamoa, White Walkers, the dragons from Game of Thrones, Rick and Morty…I mean Damn!!
???????????? I’m Weak!!
“White Walkers, the dragons from Game of Thrones, Rick and Morty…I mean Damn!!”
????????????
I died laughing and was revived so I could laugh some more.
Rick AND Morty!!!!!!????????????????????
NOT VISERION THOUGH ????????????????
Mind you,these are the same folks who gave Julia Robert Most Beautiful Woman Alive earlier this year. That’s right, not 1990 Julia in her prime, but 2017. In a world where Lupita, Zendaya, Beyonce and a zillion others at the top of their game exist.
Go home, People magazine, you’re drunk.
Why Why Why do people have to add to the problem we’re having in the US today, but slamming people. Attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder. Yes, he’s a cutey to me, but “sexiest man alive” goes beyond looks. Noone “knows” anyone fully, but if you know Blake even a little and his sense of humor, most of the argument against him is without merit, therefore “stupid”. You look at one photo and do “research” really? Ok. Let’s save our slams for those who deserve it.
Research included his homophobic, Islamophobic, racist tweets. No need to go further. Automatically falls several notches down the ladder. Yeah, he does a bunch of good guy stuff and has dimples, but he’s also a bigot. Not sexy.
Agree, Sara
He beat Kit Harington, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, George Clooney, AND Jake Gyllenhaal??? Who answered this poll???
Blake Shelton or a plain Cheese cake … I’ll for the cake
He is awesome…looks wise, no, he isn’t the sexiest man alive, his personality is what makes him sexy! And what hole do you live in to not know who he is? The world would be a much better place with more people like him in it, THAT in itself makes him sexy!
Did you even read his tweets? He’s not awesome, he’s a bigoted redneck.
This is obviously a prank..that is not to fair to Blake. People are laughing everywhere!!!
People got it right with naming Blake Shelton SMA. He is incredibly sexy in a very real, honest way. Teen’s a lucky girl.
People got it right with naming Blake Shelton SMA. He is incredibly sexy in a very real, honest way. Gwen’s a very lucky girl.
Do people even care about these lists anymore? Until they start having more POC for me its just a big yawn and eye roll. I wanna see something different. People mag is just reaching until their old bag of familiarity. Also I’m black and know who both Blake and Maze ft. Francie Beverly is. He seems like a nice guy but again it’s the same old same old. Also that first tweet wasn’t outright homophobic. You can’t deny a gay guy might order a drink like that as much as anyone else would. It’s like people throwing around a serious word like “racist” over something that is simply insensitive or something not really thought out before being said/tweeted. It’s not like everyone is on SJW mode 24/7 and never says something dumb or wrong. Geez people are so sensitive these days. That second tweet was just plain wrong and offensive but again I wouldn’t pin him as a racist knowing some of the things he’s done and not judging on a 6 yo tweet alone.
Idris Elba should definitely be on that cover!
in so many ways.. YES!!!!
Lets see he cheated on wife and once a cheater always a cheater then he goes with Gwen don’t know why people think she great she a homewrecker. People stopped watching voice when they became a couple. Soap operas are on daytime tv but like everyone says why sexiest? What Gwen gets next one? People pleeease!
Actually, Miranda cheated on him with two different men. That’s why he evicted her from the building she was using for her overpriced cowgirl clothing. This is common knowledge to those of us who were their neighbors. It wouldn’t matter who was named sexiest, someone would be griping because their ‘ideal’ man wasn’t. Fact, it happens every year. As for making up stories to discredit him, well, that’s just childish and shows a lack in character.
Know who Blake is, and have since his first hilarious country song. Love him. But sexiest man (on any planet)? No. I thought it was a joke – a publicity stunt for The Voice.
But you are right. Everything is stupid. Let’s stop paying attention and go see “Molly’s Game” – just saw the trailer and it looks all IDRIS to me.
I laughed so hard when I saw this cover and then I just said “nope” and moved on with my day. From watching The Voice that one season, Blake seems like a cool guy in a drunkle kinda way, but sexy he is not. That Adam Levine tho… *heart eyes emoji* now dassa sexy man.
Idris Elba=sunshine. Blake Shelton =rain.
Man I just love Blake Shelton no other man is more deserving than him, alot of people are mad and pissed because he is voted sexiest guy alive but yeah they’re right , he is simple and a down to earth country boy which are definitely the best and only kind, and the last of the dying breed and they don’t make em like this anymore honey, and I’d vote for him again and again, Gwen he is surely a keeper and don’t let him go gurl!!
Blake Shelton sexiest man alive? White mediocrity at its best.
It’s not the whole world, it’s just America! So I vote Idris Elba as sexiest man in the universe!
Yes!
I think Blake Shelton is super sexy, but that’s because my 10-year-old and I watch The Voice and have gotten to know him over the years. He’s the smartest person on the show, by a lot, soulful and daddy-like, super tall, sort of reserved/laid back and discerning, and has a great way of talking. (But yeah, if I hadn’t watched hours and hours of that show, I would feel the same way you do, I think. Also, I’m just ready for the White death grip to end.) But Blake is hot.
Judging from the photo above, this Blake fellow is the reference photo for what a “5” looks like. I’m a middle-aged bald grey-bearded guy, and I’d be willing to put myself up as about even with him.
Have they never seen Jason Momoa or Idris Elba?
Never heard of that Blake dude before yesterday, but I don’t get it. Like, maybe he would be considered the hottest guy at a parent teacher conference night in Wabash, Indiana where all the bored, stay-at-home forty something moms had too much boxed wine to drink??? But does he belong in the big leagues? Erg, no. Nothin’ wrong with chipmunk cheeks, and a little bit of dad bod going on, but my own husband is hotter than this utterly forgettable man.
Somebody on another blog said considering that 2017 has been such a dumpster fire, that Blake Shelton is totally the “Sexiest Man Alive” it deserves.
I can’t argue with that. Idris, Jason, et. al. don’t deserve to be saddled with the baggage of being the Sexiest Man Alive for one of the shittiest years on record. Let Mayo Nation have this one.
“Let Mayo Nation have this one.”
I was also thinking Blake Shelton is the perfect SMA for a Trump presidency.
This white girl had to google him too. Your description is perfect.
Tell me, what are the qualifiers for being a sexy man or sexy woman. Well, I know that big breasts on a woman between 18 and 21 who weighs less that 80 pounds and is 5’10” tall qualifies a woman to be considered sexy but a man? Do they measure body parts, hair length, whether or not he wears a Confederate Flag to bed? Does sexy mean that he does not have to have a brain that is fully functional? That he can stand up straight with pelvis thrust forward and not topple over in a 45 mph windstorm? That he can speak a qualifying language and be intelligible even while chewing a mouth full of bubble gum? What exactly are the boxes that need checking to qualify for that Sexiest Man Alive title and do you have a Sexiest Man Dead category. I have a few entries I can send you.
KIDS! Roll back the outrage. This was all PR because HE HAS A NEW ALBUM OUT AND IT’S NUMBER ONE on country music charts. I canNOT believe anyone who has seen the Kardashian Machine or any other Hollywood Machine believes People covers are genuine. It’s like the stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, those you have to pay for so get ready for Shelton to get one. I’m sure he has the 30K and the “mayor” of Hollywood will ok it.
People Magazine didn’t just drop the ball on this one, they forgot to even read the playbook. Number One album or not, I can’t imagine any woman with a fully functioning cerebral cortex finding this walking train wreck attractive. If they were going to pick a country music guy, why not Keith Urban?
Awesomely Luvvie, I think I just fell in love with you. This shit was awesome.
Uhm, if they HAD to pick a sexy Pilgrim male, Chris Hemsworth IS upright and breathing. Just saying……
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You are my new favorite person
I swear this actually happened, but last night I paused my DVR for a hot minute and it did that thing where it puts a screen saver on and flashes little news tidbits. And “People magazine names Blake Shelton Sexiest Man Alive!” was directly followed by “Trump rolls back legislation that prohibited hunters to bring elephant parts into the U.S.”. REALLY.
He reminds me of a cruller with eyes.
It’s like he thought Elmer’s Glue was face lotion and then face planted into the kitty litter.
Omg my comment made the article! Mama I made it!
*ahem*
First and foremost I’d like to thank God for making me quick witted. I’d also like to thank all the basic bitches who think Blake is sexier than…. Anyone.
Like
I got bored and clicked on an article that showed People magazine’s sexiest man of the year from 1990-2017.
There were 2 men in 27 years that weren’t white.
Two. 2. Slightly more than one and a hair less than three. I’m honestly shocked. I don’t have anything clever or funny to say because I’m really just sad about it.
I am here dying over the line, “All his features are trying so hard to play nice with each other that none of them raised their hands when asked.” I saw him win and went…hmmmm. But we all know that most people who win clearly can’t be the sexiest man or woman “alive.” First of all, People never met Kathy in payroll or Joe-Joe down the block. It’s a popularity contest and Blake is the it man because people have interest in his relationship with Gwen, his role on The Voice, and his bromance or whatever with Adam Levine. I’ll let him have his moment for now, but next year it better be me! LOL. Just kidding.