Who’s Coming With Me to Keith Sweat’s Cruise? NOBODDDYYY
It’s apparently 1996 because the Patron Saint of Begging For Love, Keith Sweat, is having a cruise in April. And it’s for the “Grown and Sexy.” Oh.
Someone somewhere saw this flyer and thought that this would be the ideal vacation for them to take with the person they call their “beau.” Chile… bless em. I wish I would subject myself to 4 days of nasally singing while being stuck on the ocean. After the 2nd Keith Sweat song at the opening “jam” (because you know this is the type of event that’ll have a “JAM” on the itinerary), I’d be ready to walk the plank and throw myself overboard.
“The Sweat Hotel Cruise.” That sounds like hell on water and I rebuke it. He ain’t got the last name for this. Any event where the phrase “Grown and Sexy” is on the flyer is guaranteed to be full of immature behavior from people with obligations they refuse to acknowledge. You know good and damb well that when you go to Grown and Sexy” night at the club, someone’s shoes are gonna get stepped on and it’ll turn into an all out brawl. Now a cruise? Nah, B. Yall are not gonna overturn the vessel that carries me on bottomless water from being petty.
More importantly, why is Keith Sweat having a cruise? Can he still pack a 40-person room for a performance just on his name alone? He’s outchea tryna fill a ship when he ain’t had a hit since Jodeci boots were the new black. STAHP IT! Keith reminds me of a time gone by, when people didn’t laugh at Sisqo and Mariah Carey was still dressing age appropriate. Time: I haz none.
I kinda wanna go though, because the adventures in tomfoolery would be so fun to cover. I bet you that people who registered for this got an email saying the required uniform is linen short sets with matching bucket hats and those brown sandals that expose toe cleavage. You don’t rock that, you can’t board.
These parties that are planned. HA! Black folks love dress codes. We’re considerate like that because we wanna make packing easy. Of course there’s a “White and Cream Affair.” How else are people supposed to show that they’re country dinnamug? The “freakum dress” party is gonna be interesting, as someone’s 65-year old aunty Ethel rocks her finest bodycon dress with varicose veins as accessories. I’m pretty sure a couple of “Whose Aunty is this?” posts will come from this cruise. And I’m lowkey afraid of what this “Wild Wild West” party is gonna look like. I pray there are no assless chaps involved.
So ummm… are yall going to the Keith Sweat cruise or nah? I’m saying. I’m pretty sure someone’s uncle Rufus is already practicing his wink to the “young tenders” on board.
P.S. I think Keith Sweat is still the only person in the world who uses Dax pomade on his hair right before he brushes it down and ties his durag SUPER TIGHT so his waves can make people seasick. And when he wakes up in the morning, the dent on his forehead from where he ties his durag takes 2 full hours before going away. GET READY TO GET SEASICK ON THE CRUISE FROM THE WAVES IN THE WATER AND THE WAVES ON KEITH’S SCALP! <— I’m pretty sure that is the subject line of an email that the promoters are using. If it’s not already, they can thank me for the idea.