Famous folks

Who’s Coming With Me to Keith Sweat’s Cruise? NOBODDDYYY

It’s apparently 1996 because the Patron Saint of Begging For Love, Keith Sweat, is having a cruise in April. And it’s for the “Grown and Sexy.” Oh.

Keith Sweat Cruise

Someone somewhere saw this flyer and thought that this would be the ideal vacation for them to take with the person they call their “beau.” Chile… bless em. I wish I would subject myself to 4 days of nasally singing while being stuck on the ocean. After the 2nd Keith Sweat song at the opening “jam” (because you know this is the type of event that’ll have a “JAM” on the itinerary), I’d be ready to walk the plank and throw myself overboard.

“The Sweat Hotel Cruise.” That sounds like hell on water and I rebuke it. He ain’t got the last name for this. Any event where the phrase “Grown and Sexy” is on the flyer is guaranteed to be full of immature behavior from people with obligations they refuse to acknowledge. You know good and damb well that when you go to Grown and Sexy” night at the club, someone’s shoes are gonna get stepped on and it’ll turn into an all out brawl. Now a cruise? Nah, B. Yall are not gonna overturn the vessel that carries me on bottomless water from being petty.


More importantly, why is Keith Sweat having a cruise? Can he still pack a 40-person room for a performance just on his name alone? He’s outchea tryna fill a ship when he ain’t had a hit since Jodeci boots were the new black. STAHP IT! Keith reminds me of a time gone by, when people didn’t laugh at Sisqo and Mariah Carey was still dressing age appropriate. Time: I haz none.

I kinda wanna go though, because the adventures in tomfoolery would be so fun to cover. I bet you that people who registered for this got an email saying the required uniform is linen short sets with matching bucket hats and those brown sandals that expose toe cleavage. You don’t rock that, you can’t board.

Girl bye gif

These parties that are planned. HA! Black folks love dress codes. We’re considerate like that because we wanna make packing easy. Of course there’s a “White and Cream Affair.” How else are people supposed to show that they’re country dinnamug? The “freakum dress” party is gonna be interesting, as someone’s 65-year old aunty Ethel rocks her finest bodycon dress with varicose veins as accessories. I’m pretty sure a couple of “Whose Aunty is this?” posts will come from this cruise. And I’m lowkey afraid of what this “Wild Wild West” party is gonna look like. I pray there are no assless chaps involved.

So ummm… are yall going to the Keith Sweat cruise or nah? I’m saying. I’m pretty sure someone’s uncle Rufus is already practicing his wink to the “young tenders” on board.

P.S. I think Keith Sweat is still the only person in the world who uses Dax pomade on his hair right before he brushes it down and ties his durag SUPER TIGHT so his waves can make people seasick. And when he wakes up in the morning, the dent on his forehead from where he ties his durag takes 2 full hours before going away. GET READY TO GET SEASICK ON THE CRUISE FROM THE WAVES IN THE WATER AND THE WAVES ON KEITH’S SCALP! <— I’m pretty sure that is the subject line of an email that the promoters are using. If it’s not already, they can thank me for the idea.

Youre Welcome gif

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  1. February 26, 2014 at 7:29 am

    Why are you making me cry off my make-up before 9 o’clock in the morning??? I only had it on for an hour and a half??

    Also, can I bring my Twisted cassette single from 1996 for him to autograph, you think?

    • Jasmin P.
      February 26, 2014 at 7:47 am

      You know we all had the Twisted single lol ^^^

      • February 26, 2014 at 8:02 am

        And nothing else since.

    • February 26, 2014 at 8:47 am

      Of course you can! He’d even rewind it for you with a pencil like old times.

      • February 26, 2014 at 9:41 am

        …and with that last comment laughter has stolen the breath from my body. Y’all got me feelin’ asthmatic lawd where is my inhaler!

  2. Shevy
    February 26, 2014 at 7:47 am

    I refuse to believe this is actually happening.

    • February 26, 2014 at 8:47 am

      I’m already ready for the recaps.

  3. Jasmin P.
    February 26, 2014 at 7:48 am

    Luuvi . you are SICK! I am in tears over here

    • February 26, 2014 at 8:47 am

      I ain’t e’em did nothing.

      • Simone
        February 26, 2014 at 11:20 am

        I am currently in the library and I am so glad that I have a study room because surely I would have gotten kicked out for the massive cackling that has just ensued!! I can’t with you right now Luvvie. I just can’t. lol

        • Sydni
          February 28, 2014 at 12:12 am

          I agree Jasmin! Luvvie… Girl there is something SO wrong with you!!! LOL I can’t stop laughing!

  4. Ivy
    February 26, 2014 at 7:55 am

    Pretty sure one would be suicidal within 10 minutes of this cruise. On the real though, you ain’t have to expose his hair regimen like that! LOL!!

    • Ivy
      February 26, 2014 at 7:58 am

      His YoutubeVlogger-esque hair regimen 🙂

    • February 26, 2014 at 8:46 am

      They shoulda put the #NaturalHair hashtag on this flyer. LOL

  5. AuroraStorm
    February 26, 2014 at 8:01 am

    I spat out some perfectly good Cuban coffee laffing at this…Sweat Hotel…sounds like a TB sanitarium…

    • February 26, 2014 at 8:04 am

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHA TB sanitarium!! YOU WIN!!!

    • February 26, 2014 at 8:46 am

      TB Sanitarium. I DON DIE.

  6. Deja
    February 26, 2014 at 8:03 am

    This cruise probably smells like hair grease and deadbeat fathers, with each party featuring a themed “turn-up cocktail”…no thanks.

    And didnt Kunta teach us not to go on boats with male auctions?

    • February 26, 2014 at 8:06 am


    • February 26, 2014 at 8:46 am

      MA’AM! MADAME! *faints*

    • Jabari
      February 26, 2014 at 10:00 am

      #iHatechusomurch *throws phone across the room…. #flatlines

    • Bukky
      February 26, 2014 at 10:34 am

      Y’all are killing me this morning!! LMAO! _________________ #DEADandGONE

    • RavenJ
      February 26, 2014 at 10:40 am

      The smell of deadbeat fathers…would that be Brut or Drakkar Noir?

    • Christie
      February 26, 2014 at 11:30 am


    • Shakira
      February 27, 2014 at 1:02 pm

      *gets casket fresh* Okay, so which one a’ ya’ll is sangin at my #funegro? The “hair grease and deadbeat fathers” did me in. Smellin like hella Blue Magic and shit ctfu

    • nichelle
      February 28, 2014 at 9:11 pm

      HAAAA!!! not Kunta’s lessons, tho! #dead

  7. Randomly Jazzy
    February 26, 2014 at 8:22 am

    Literally in my car crying tears at your ignant tail lmao It’s too early for this.

    • February 26, 2014 at 8:45 am

      Starting your day off right.

  8. shortnsassy
    February 26, 2014 at 8:43 am

    I don’t find it funny at all. I actually know for a fact that his stuff still sells out and no matter how you slice it, nobody to date has done his numbers in sales in male r&b. I’m just saying all of the negativity should just stop, but I’m sure u would pay to see the same whinning child trey songz…..

    • February 26, 2014 at 8:45 am

      Never in my life have I paid for anything Trey Songz-related. So you going on this cruise? Whatchu gon wear? How many pairs of linen dresses will you take? This is all I’m concerned about.

      • Jasmin T
        February 26, 2014 at 9:55 am

        She obviously pre-booked her tickets… But ummm let me crack your face real quick… You can like Keith Sweat all you want, but breaking records? Can you say Usher, Maxwell, Babyface, Anthony Hamilton…. Yeah they are still relevant… I guess Stevie Wonder, Barry White, Marvin Gaye, Stevie Wonder, Luther Vandross, etc. are just one hit wonders in comparison to the almighty Beggin’ McWhiner? Have fun on your shitty cruise! Bon Voyage! Luvvie you gotta go, just to see Sassy in person before she is published on a website for her ‘fits.

        • Jasmin T
          February 26, 2014 at 9:57 am

          I still got my morning laugh with minimal spittage of my morning drink.

        • February 26, 2014 at 11:29 am

          I am laying out crying. At work. In my good dress.

      • RavenJ
        February 26, 2014 at 10:46 am

        Nobody….Nobody…Nobody baby… (I will probably sing that damn song all day now…in my baaa-baaaaaa sheep voice of course)

      • Gina
        February 28, 2014 at 4:41 pm

        I’m on that short bus to hell. I went to see Keith Sweat here in Vegas a few years ago and there were folks stepping in the aisles. If didn’t do boats…

    • JazzT
      February 26, 2014 at 9:43 am

      The way I see it, Trey is this generation’s Keith Sweat. They’ll be doing “Still Grown and Sexy” cruises together in 2034. And we will still be here to snatch wigs.

      shortnsassy, make sure you take them fuc’em heels off before the fight breaks out at the Freakum Dress party so you can get a running start. Have fun, boo!

      • Aimee
        February 26, 2014 at 11:51 am

        I didn’t know Keith was a regular reader of your site. Nice.

    • AuroraStorm
      February 26, 2014 at 5:17 pm

      shortnsassy said:

      “I don’t find it funny at all. I actually know for a fact that his stuff still sells out and no matter how you slice it, nobody to date has done his numbers in sales in male r&b. I’m just saying all of the negativity should just stop, but I’m sure u would pay to see the same whinning child trey songz…..”

      AuroraStorm said:

      You must be Keith Sweat’s momma.

      • Lee
        February 26, 2014 at 10:09 pm


      • lurker
        February 27, 2014 at 10:46 am

        and there is a Momma Sweat. She used to do hair in Harlem, back in the day. Luvvie … you are fabulous!

      • February 27, 2014 at 1:55 pm

        LAWD GHEEZUS…#DEADANDGONE #BURYMEOUTTASEA _______________*sounds of waves crashin’*

  9. Missus Maxwell
    February 26, 2014 at 9:35 am

    “…nobody to date has done his numbers in sales in male r&b.” *slow blink* Awwwww, OK.

    But anyway, I would just want to count how many pairs of Now & Later gators make it on board the ship and if the owners would allow me to put them in rainbow order for a pic.

    • JazzT
      February 26, 2014 at 9:44 am

      Instagram FIYAH.

    • Jabari
      February 26, 2014 at 9:58 am

      Now & Later gators!

      Just make sure I look good at my funegro cause I’m done!

    • Vee
      March 2, 2014 at 5:14 pm

      Chil’run stop it. I have to let my momma know to book her grown and sexy son up for this ride or die event. I can see him every time a comment comes up. My asthma can not stand it. Oh hell, I bet this is the cruise my ex wants to take me on.

  10. Kimpossible
    February 26, 2014 at 9:46 am


    • Kimpossible
      February 26, 2014 at 9:48 am

      That’s me, dead in my coffin.

      • lurker
        February 27, 2014 at 10:53 am

        roflol @ emoticon.
        luvvie’s audience is awesome!

      • JamBone
        March 13, 2014 at 7:13 am

        OMGEEEEEE I just died from that coffin emoticon. I pray no one comes to my desk to see why i’m out of breath!!! LMMFAO!

    • tammy
      March 1, 2014 at 8:07 am

      I. AM. SO. USING. THIS. FROM. NOW. ON! Thank you kindly Ms. Kimpossible!
      {o+<} <— Ha!

  11. Antonio
    February 26, 2014 at 9:54 am

    The title. of this. alone….

    • Gracie
      February 26, 2014 at 2:34 pm

      She had me at NOBODDDYYY …

  12. Jabari
    February 26, 2014 at 9:56 am

    Girl I will be attending the affair in my finest (read: tackiest) aqua short set and my black leather sandals and I will slay every heaux onboard. I will be making bishes seasick!

    I fully expect every struggle 90’s R&B “crooner” will be making an appearance. Cotton pannies will be thrown and Vicky shall be spilling all her tea. The mature and ratchet will be in the building.

    • JazzT
      February 26, 2014 at 10:04 am

      Jabari, I’m your +1, if only for your commentary. We can wear matching short sets.

    • Shakira
      February 27, 2014 at 1:05 pm

      Not aqua though! *falls out*

    • Rob
      April 12, 2014 at 11:37 pm

      The “mature and ratchet” wins the award. I gotta use that for a few clubs I know.

  13. February 26, 2014 at 10:02 am

    Time of death – 4.01pm 26-02-2014, London. Thanks Luvvie

  14. JazzT
    February 26, 2014 at 10:03 am

    Luvvie, this would be the opportunity to have a rogue group of Goons and Goonettes (led by you, of course)join in on this cruise to observe the ratchetry that is sure to take place. Can you imagine? Morning recaps to discuss the previous day and night’s events. Spies to infiltrate each party – in full dress-up to blend in with the natives.

    I’d volunteer for the male auction.

  15. February 26, 2014 at 10:10 am

    I can’t deal with your foolishness this morning. My laptop almost had my lemon and cucumber water spewed all over it.

    LMAOOO I just want to stand outside of the ship as they’re boarding and take pics of those that are getting on. I’m sure their brown gel is laying down their baby hair.

    A wild wild west party??? I can’t!

    • Simone
      February 26, 2014 at 11:25 am

      Nooo!! Not the brown gel on the baby hair! LMBO #death

  16. Bukky
    February 26, 2014 at 10:32 am

    “P.S. I think Keith Sweat is still the only person in the world who uses Dax pomade on his hair right before he brushes it down and ties his durag SUPER TIGHT so his waves can make people seasick. And when he wakes up in the morning, the dent on his forehead from where he ties his durag takes 2 full hours before going away. GET READY TO GET SEASICK ON THE CRUISE FROM THE WAVES IN THE WATER AND THE WAVES ON KEITH’S SCALP!”

    Luvvie you ain’t got a LICK of sense. Not a drop!! I’m DYING over this entire post. Let me go get my white and cream linen #alphet ready. Finna be CASKET SHARP for this cruise.


    • Gracie
      February 26, 2014 at 2:45 pm

      NO not CASKET SHARP!!!! #dead Please make sure my edges are slicked with the brownest of brown gels.

  17. Bukky
    February 26, 2014 at 10:39 am

    Can you please go Luvvie?! Like PLEASE, start a kickstarter, I’d donate. And take all the notes and write us a dissertation worthy recap full of all the snark, a la our Paula D.een cruise spy did. I’m all the way here for it.

  18. RavenJ
    February 26, 2014 at 10:54 am

    Well this just gave me a damn good laugh!!!!! Oh how I have missed your humor. Glad to have you back!

  19. JaLonda
    February 26, 2014 at 11:14 am

    Why am I in FULL cackle at my desk???!! First I read “NOBODDDYY” in his voice before I even opened the email. Then, the dress codes? And by the time I got to the 2 hour do-rag dent recovery time I was through. THA-ROO I say!! You need to go, you will have blog posts for days on the foolery!

  20. JMoTillman
    February 26, 2014 at 11:20 am

    Instagram will not be able to handle the foolery from this cruise! I’m in tears. Luvvie, I’ll donate to fund your cruise. I live to read your play by play. I wonder if they’ll serve pig feet and chitlins on the buffet (pronouced BUF FET).

  21. dmaclee
    February 26, 2014 at 11:21 am

    Slow blinks at “male auction”. So I thought that Tom Joyner cornered this market with the Fantastic Voyage but I’m sadly mistaken. I shan’t speak of this at home lest my husband think this is a good idea.

    • February 26, 2014 at 11:32 am

      *hangs head* I kinda… Wanted to go on the fantastic voyage cruise.

      • Lisa
        February 26, 2014 at 1:57 pm

        and who are they auctioning off old ass Keith Washington and his uncle Josephus!

        Chile Bye! LOL

  22. arlene..blackorchid
    February 26, 2014 at 11:32 am

    Y’all know Henny will be sold out before they leave port right? Hope the cruiseline bought three pallets of henny, e&j, belve and patron each for the drankin that will commence!!!!!!

    • JazzT
      February 26, 2014 at 11:51 am

      Don’t forget the duty-free Newports.

      • KPneedsanap
        February 26, 2014 at 12:58 pm

        DAMMIT!!!! Now I’m envisioning henny, duty-free Newports, & the finger waves Kut Klose will be sporting as they serve these people at dinner.

        • JazzT
          February 27, 2014 at 8:54 am

          Damn, Kut Klose is serving? *DEAD*

        • February 27, 2014 at 2:00 pm

          Kut Klose…__________________ #CigaretteGirls

    • Ms. Harris
      February 26, 2014 at 6:14 pm

      You said 3 pallets! Prolly gone need a size 60 x 48 cuz I don’t see the standard 40 x 48 to be enough!!

  23. February 26, 2014 at 11:33 am

    This ish is CRAZY! And hilarious. The promoters shoulda used the tagline from Jaws, cause you know that’s how it’s gonna go down: You’ll Never Go Near the Water Again.

  24. Nitha
    February 26, 2014 at 11:44 am

    <<<< here lies Shanitha 1979-2014

  25. KayMac
    February 26, 2014 at 12:03 pm

    I wouldn’t be surprised to receive a call from my Auntie Trish and Uncle Gino talmbout they abt to go on this Keith Sweat cruise. They are the king and queen of linen short sets, fedoras, man sandals, and old lady freakum dresses…I imagine that call would go like this: Auntie-Giiiirl you know we about to go on this Keith Sweat cruise. Me-Oh, how neat! **eye roll**. Auntie: You know yo Auntie about to put it down on the dance floor! You know how WEEEE DO!! And you know me and yo uncle gone get it one after the concert!! Me- **gags, vomits, and throws phone in a bucket of acid**

    • February 27, 2014 at 11:49 am

      My mom and her boyfriend are the white version of this. I so completely understand. And I am DYING laughing!

  26. LiviaGrey
    February 26, 2014 at 12:05 pm

    Wow…some of these comments are funny but really mean spirited at the same time but I really like Keith Sweat and have very fond memories of all his songs back in the day although I would never go on one his cruises due to safety concerns. Cruise ships scare me quite frankly lately and what he heck if this one went down like the Titanic or got stuck in the middle of the ocean or broke out in an epidemic as many have lately in the news…no thank you. I have been on a cruise and it went fine years back but I can see something going wrong with the ship….EPIC fail. Shame on all you all b/c many of you all were secretly Keith Sweat fans back in the day…lol. Next time Keith have it at a nice hotel…not on a boat in the middle of the ocean.

    • AuroraStorm
      February 26, 2014 at 5:25 pm

      Uh, wrong…I was never a Keith Sweat fan. I can’t stand his voice, I can’t stand the way he dresses, I can’t stand looking at his greasy conk (who still DOES that?), and I can’t stand the way he looks like a burnt fist. He hurts the eyes, the ears and the sanity. If his boat gets shipwrecked like Gilligan, I don’t think the rest of the world would even notice…

      • cocoberrie
        February 26, 2014 at 9:53 pm

        He looks like a burnt fist?! #dead

    • March 1, 2014 at 11:34 pm

      Errnt. No. I wouldn’t know a Keith Sweat song if it hit me in the face.

    • Vee
      March 2, 2014 at 5:27 pm

      Livia, these are the chil’ren conceived to Keith’s Two hits. Or the grands. Don’t hate, I bought his first album. Skipped the next release because it sounded too much like the album I had. No-obody!
      Missed you Miss Luvvie. Prayed your air flights since you left during the chaos. Blessings from an old head who loves ya. Tell it!

  27. EaraneT
    February 26, 2014 at 12:17 pm

    I just…I just have so many queries about all of this.

  28. Sasha
    February 26, 2014 at 12:39 pm

    I would go on this cruse just to have a front row seat to all the foolishness from the thirsty 40+ year old men in short sets and sandals lol

  29. February 26, 2014 at 1:00 pm

    And now I CANNOT get that damb song outta my head…Nobodddy !! I DIED!!

  30. Lisa
    February 26, 2014 at 1:55 pm

    Even if I got two free tickets and free airfare and complimentary Errythang!…….


    I’ll send my second Aunt on my Uncle’s side LMAO!!!!

    yep the above statement makes no sense and neither does this cruise!

    “Bye Felicia”!!!

  31. Sadiqua
    February 26, 2014 at 1:57 pm

    Wayment. Aint nobody clowning Keef THAT hard. I still bump him on the regular, simply because I love me some 90s r&b. BUT THIS HERE CROOZE…Who else is coming? The Isley’s who actually paid their taxes? Jon B? Tevin Campbell? MoKenStef got they mama’s to watch the kids for a few days?

    I seriously do wish I had the time to take this trip. I would pack every stiletto, a dozen freakum dresses, some baby oil and every MAC eyeshadow palette I own, and start collecting pensions and getting my 401k on. Yall KNOW the Uncles are gonna be in full force, Birdman Handrubbing, licking lips, and calling anyone age 30 and under “guuhl” before they tell us how they like ’em young. Drinking gin and tonic with a manicured pinky finger (complete with a rang, prolly onyx with a dee-ah-mond chip).

    Seriously. Kickstart that mofo. I’ll throw some coins your way Luvvie.

    • Lisa
      February 26, 2014 at 1:58 pm

      Deead @MoKenStef!!!! ________________________________________________________________________________________________

    • February 26, 2014 at 10:02 pm

      I am now screaming.

  32. milaxx
    February 26, 2014 at 2:01 pm

    Is the Paula Deen cruise ship lady free? Maybe she could take one for the team and report back.

  33. Gemsmom
    February 26, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    All y’all got me up here laughing like a fool at my good gub’mint job!!!! WHOOOOOOO!!! I can only imagine how much Viagra will be consumed on this cruise. And linament/salve. All these old folk, somebody will be rubbing down those joints err/nite!

    • cocoberrie
      February 26, 2014 at 9:55 pm

      Yes…BenGay and RubA535 aplenty!

  34. flybynight
    February 26, 2014 at 4:32 pm

    I can’t get the sound of Miss Thangs wig gettin snatched like velcro out of my head *__* Aint nobodayyyy summonsed the president of Keef’s fanclub.. Guhll Bye (in my durtiest paw paw voice).

  35. Sally Strange
    February 26, 2014 at 5:50 pm

    I had seriously forgotten that Keith Sweat existed. Why would you not change your name–particularly if you’re making a career as a performer???? I didn’t get it then and I don’t get it now.

  36. Nasi
    February 26, 2014 at 7:32 pm

    oh he had this “Grown and Sexy” nonsense here in Nairob, Kenya last year. Painted picture: 40- something year olds dressed in their best frocks and College dudes trolling for gullible sugar mummies looking for a “good tahm”. #Womp

  37. ifyouevercomeback
    February 27, 2014 at 8:55 am

    So this cruise sounds like all kind of ratchetness gone wrong. However, I do live in Nassau(if he means Nassau Bahamas) So I might try to infiltrate this day party, for the jokes alone. Should I?

  38. Nina
    February 27, 2014 at 10:28 am

    Noooooobody is going to mention his ratchet Radio Show, “The Sweat Hotel”? Or does it only play in my city?

    • ebony
      February 28, 2014 at 2:50 pm

      But wait….. Gurl what?? He has a radio show???

      • ZaidahNicole
        March 4, 2014 at 7:29 am

        He was the voice of “The Quiet Storm” radio show in NYC briefly on 107.5 WBLS … his “competitor” was Lenny Green’s “Kissing After Dark” on 98.7 KISS-FM (kinda like comparing Mike Tyson’s voice to Dennis Haysbert’s). When KISS was sold to ESPN, WBLS couldn’t get Keith’s country ass off the air fast enough. Lenny Green took his time slot and is KILLING IT!

    • Nina
      March 4, 2014 at 7:55 am

      He now is in Detroit…The show is horrible.
      Now its called the Sweat Hotel…

  39. ebony
    February 28, 2014 at 11:02 am

    Sooo I am going to go sit in the corner for the rest of the day cause this right here has put me on a permanent time out!!

  40. ZMarshall
    May 14, 2014 at 12:20 pm

    Here’s the tomfoolery from last year

  41. Stephanie
    March 7, 2015 at 7:46 pm

    I went on the cruise and had an awesome time!