The U.S. Olympics Team is Gonna Win the Ugly Christmas Sweater Contest

As if the upcoming 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics weren’t already steeped in ugliness from Russia’s terrible anti-gay laws. AS IF. All that madness wasn’t enough. The U.S. Olympics team is adding to the ugly with their uniforms, designed by the Silver Fox, Ralph Lauren.

USOlympics Ugly Sweater

WUT?!? I mean what in the name of all that is good and tacky are these ALPHETS?!? These sweaters look like someone’s aunt Beula made it for them and since she put it in her last will and testament, they were guilted into rocking them.

We got giant stars and stripes by themselves and a couple of U.S. flags, just in case people don’t understand that YAY AMERICA! And then we don’t want the athletes to forget where they’re going so the Olympic rings were really necessary. These sweaters do the absolute most with the most.

I’m a Ralph Lauren fan. He GETS the prep in me and enables my love for oxfords and everything else that people who like to dress like they own boats and go sailing in Maine rock. I even have too many of those polos with the obnoxiously large logo, and 3 of them are the custom ones with my name on the back (what? I’m a flashy Nigerian. This is what we do). HOWEVER, I cannot stand behind these uniforms. So I will sit and laugh at them. Won’t you join me?

Laugh gif

UNLESS… maybe they’re a prank. Maybe this is Ralph’s way of showing his disdain for what’s happening in Russia. “Ugh. These Russian Olympics. Ok since they HAVE to be there, make sure they are a sight for sore eyes. We’ll let our uniforms speak about our unhappiness to be there.” That musta been it.

But nay. NY Daily News quoted David Lauren, Executive VP of the RL’s advertising saying “We wanted to honor the heritage of the Olympics, the athletes and celebrate our country. The handcrafted patchwork of the sweater is an icon of Americana.”

Yes. The Star-Spangled banner basically threw up on a sweater and TADA!!! UNIFORMS!

Oh and for $595, you too coulda looked like a patchwork quilt! But ummm… they’re sold out (but the REALLY CUTE pea coats are not. If only I could come up with $750, cuz I WANT IT!). Rich people got money to waste or no taste because for those UGLASS sweaters to be gone already? Chile… I guess. Silver lining: if you don this at an ugly Christmas sweater party, you’re sure to win. No one can compete with this.

On a good note, the U.S. team isn’t alone. Norway’s curling team is gonna come through looking like crazy straws or a fantasy that Ron Burgundy might have.

norway curling team olympics

Did everyone take an oath to show up at the winter Olympics looking like Tim Gunn’s worst nightmare? If so, I need to make sure I watch the opening ceremonies because there will be many laughs to be had as everyone out-tackies everyone else.

Soooo what do you think of the U.S. Olympic sweaters? Also: how much would someone have to pay you to wear it? Norway’s suits though… LMAO for real!

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  1. Michele
    January 24, 2014 at 9:09 am

    I think I read somewhere if you stare at the Norwegian curling suits long enough it will indeed sear your retinas to a crisp.

  2. January 24, 2014 at 9:10 am

    They’re great…in a “Russia we ain’t worried ’bout nothin’!” kinda way. 0_o
    Those suits too.
    Halloween costume ideas have come early!

  3. jcanwisegrrl
    January 24, 2014 at 9:13 am

    If I were American (and had the money), I would wear the heck out of those uglass sweaters! D’you think they can do a custom black, green and gold Jamaican one for me? Lol! Since my office is determined to be Siberia with this damned AC, I’ve developed a fondness for sweaters, ugly or not.

  4. Rox Fontaine
    January 24, 2014 at 9:16 am

    I’m pretty sure Norway’s suits were done by Moods of Norway. Their signature is wild prints like that. Pretty cool actually.

    • lee
      January 26, 2014 at 1:53 am

      Actually its from…they’re a golf outfitter but did Norway’s curling uniform for the last winter games

  5. Andrea
    January 24, 2014 at 9:39 am

    I remember when Roots made the US Olympic team uniforms. I wanted a USA hoodie SOOOOO BAD!!! I just can’t get with this Ralph Lauren awfulness. Although I can’t decide if I’m glad or disappointed that it’s winter, and we won’t get to see those patchwork sweaters in giant NBA sizes. That would be fun to watch!

    • Bri
      January 25, 2014 at 11:59 am

      ROOTS makes the BEST Olympic gear!! I was so upset when they stopped making the official Canadian Olympic gear! Their outfits were always the show stoppers at the Olympics.

  6. JenniferG
    January 24, 2014 at 10:26 am

    “Yes. The Star-Spangled banner basically threw up on a sweater and TADA!!! UNIFORMS!” HAHAHA! They are instantly recognizable as Ralph Lsuren.

    The Norwegian Curler suits are kind of awesome.

  7. Tune
    January 24, 2014 at 10:45 am

    I’m typing this on my phone because I just want your to know I can’t visit this site without a tissue in hand. Iliterally laugh out loud and I have to be sure I’m alone so people don’t judge me. Thank you Luvvie.

  8. milaxx
    January 24, 2014 at 10:47 am

    They ugly but they’re almost always ugly. Still I ain’t worried for the US cause I’m an Olympics fan and I’ve seen the fug that walks out during the parade of nations. Some of those countries be clowning their athletics big time. They’ll put them in shorts and socks that are fighting each other, give them silly hats & scarves, the whole gamut. You watch US gonna look like NYFW compared to other folks.

    • Eve Tey
      January 24, 2014 at 2:21 pm

      LOL @ shorts and socks that be fighting each other!

  9. Christy
    January 24, 2014 at 11:39 am

    MY EYES! MY EYES!!! On a normal day, Ralph makes me wish I was a gazillionaire so I could buy all of his clothes, but this stuff…Nope. Gonna have to give Ralph one of these \__ . He should be second-guessing himself about now.

  10. January 24, 2014 at 12:54 pm

    That sweater is really bad looking lol lol lol. Maybe we in the U.S. can wear that sweater for Halloween. This was a great post, thanks a million for sharing.

  11. January 24, 2014 at 1:21 pm

    Norway’s suits are horrifically awesome. Takes a certain amount of aplomb to wear them, and those guys are giving off a “Heck yeah, we don’t care!” kind of vibe.

  12. Stace
    January 24, 2014 at 2:37 pm

    In the immortal words of Shug Avery…..’OOOH DEH SHO IS UGLY!!!!”””
    And are those sweat pants they are paired with? I don’t understand, I guess he couldn’t pick a design so he used all of them?!

  13. shadgg02
    January 24, 2014 at 5:34 pm

    I was really with the US alphet…..from the waist down. That tacky ass conglomerate of a sweater they chose is soooo NOT the business!!! Come RL!! You know better than that. The last Summer Olympics attire was SEEPED in your casually boating attitude. The Winter Olympics is not the time to throw your hands up and scream, “AHH FUCK IT!” BUT, i will watch the opening ceremonies to see which country has outdone us or at least is giving RL a run for his money.

    • ellie
      February 8, 2014 at 12:33 am

      I didn’t get Taiwan (Chinese Taipei)’s long blue lab coats.

      • Mei
        February 9, 2014 at 2:41 am

        I am a Taiwanese and the outfit made me so angry. I’ve heard the coaches bought them in Sochi with the only intention to keep them warm. I felt sorry for the 3 athletes who had to wear them. In the greatest moment of their life, they had this…

  14. Jocy
    January 24, 2014 at 9:59 pm

    Those sweaters look like a home economics project gone wrong.

  15. Absurdist
    January 25, 2014 at 2:15 am

    Horrible, yes, but things could have been worse; you didn’t show the German Olympic uniforms…

  16. DA
    January 25, 2014 at 8:22 am

    But Norway got the silver in curling #doe…

  17. Trouble
    January 25, 2014 at 9:51 am

    Ugly or not, were these sweaters and lounge pants made in the US? Y’all remember the fiasco surrounding the outfits from the London Olympics.
    Matter fact, lemme go hit up Diane Sawyer and em Made In America website hand check.

    • Virginia
      February 7, 2014 at 11:45 am

      Yes, the butt-ugly Ralph Lauren horrors were made in the USA. Somebody got that memo.

      I personally think the uniform designer should be banned from putting his logo on the uniforms, especially so huge. The Olympics are not supposed to be about commericalism and personal profit. It’s just … tacky. Especially the stupid polo player logo that’s bigger than my hand.

      • ellie
        February 8, 2014 at 12:30 am

        I laugh when my coworkers wear that ridiculous polo shirt with that big-o polo. Was the designer afraid that people couldn’t see it?

  18. […] But while the the Ralph Lauren sweaters will fetch nearly $600 at retail stores, both amateur and professional critics have maligned the red, white, and blue cardigans, with some dismissing them as “ugly Christmas sweaters.” […]

  19. […] But while the the Ralph Lauren sweaters will fetch nearly $600 at retail stores, both amateur and professional critics have maligned the red, white, and blue cardigans, with some dismissing them as “ugly Christmas sweaters.” […]

  20. ellie
    February 8, 2014 at 12:28 am

    Oh dear. I thought it was a joke when I saw the first American wearing this on TV, then I saw the rest of the team and realized this is The Uniform! Oh No! Seriously looks like what my Grandparents wear on Christmas morning – a loud big sweater cardigan and sweatpants! Seriously – Sweat Pants ??? Are we that poor now?
    Ok, I like the hats and shoes.

    For once, I can’t just sit there and enjoy ridiculing other uniforms because we are the ‘pot’.