Badu’s Badonk is BAD!

Everyone has been talking about Erykah Badu’s vidjo “Window Seat” all week. People have been debating whether the message of the video is parallel to the lyrics. And they’ve been discussion Erykah’s use of nudity to get her point across yaddy yada blah blah. I don’t gibbadamb bout any of that. What I’m here to talk about is “DID YOU SEE HER BOOTY????”

I’m a straight woman and I watched that video and couldn’t stop saying “GAHTDAMB ERRKAH got a DONK!” It had me entranced. I can only imagine the fellas. They must have drool puddles marking the spot where they watched it. Or other types of puddles I can’t speak of on a PG-13 blog.

Erykah Badu’s got more booty than a pirate chest! GAHTDAMB!!! I had no idea Erykah was carrying that load. LAWD!!! LOL #NoEllen #MaybeALil

She’s got magical powers. Sitting on a goldmine. Literally.

• Wrath – I got kinda angry that my ass ain’t that big. I did low-key kick a trashcan and go “Dang! That just ain’t right!”

• Lust – I kinda went gay for Erykah. She’s officially on my list of girl crushes, right next to Stacey Dash and Amber Rose (who I still don’t trust but her body’s RIDONKULOUS)

• Pride – Watching that vidjo made me proud to be a Black woman. Our bodies are a wonderland. Go on ‘head, URRKAH!

• Gluttony – I wanted to bite it. Moving on…

• Sloth – I wanted to lay on her booty and not move. Looked all fluffy and pillow-like

• Greed – I wanted it all to myself.

• Envy – I wondered why I ain’t got a booty like that I TRULY got “green eyes” (see what I did there? Triple entendre for the win). Why ain’t God bless ME with it?

Well, I may have the answer to why God ain’t bless me with a ridonkulous sick with’ it booty. If I was stacked like that, I’d wear boyshorts in winter time. #BigAssDontCare . The Big Man knew what He was doing when He ain’t give me no onion booty. I’d be STUPID with it, telling folks to call me “Kween of Donk-munda.”

If I had an onion booty:

• My voicemail would say “You could leave me a message but I won’t hear it over my donk’s awesomeness. BEEEEP!”

• Yeah my ass would have its own Federal Employers ID number. And I’d GLADLY allow its taxation. #BigAssDontCare

• It’d star in Lifetime Movies so it could REALLY make people cry. I’d have a tragic best friend named Beth

• I’d form a girl group with my ass as the lead singer. It’d be Beyonce. I’d get Buffie the Body’s ass to be Kelly and Rosa Acosta to be Michelle

• it’d star in a Tyler Perry play called “I can pull guys all by myself.” Madea would wear floral boyshorts

• I’d refer to myself as LuvitaAppleBum. And I’d only wear pannies with belts that attach to my knee-highs

• I’d go up to guys. Turn around. Drop it low. Pick it up. and say “You wish.” And walk away. Then they’d cry.

• I’d walk into rooms backwards and tell folks “Clear the way. Awesome Ass coming thoo.”

• I’d hire a band to follow me around and play “Pull over that ass is too fat.” It’d be my theme music.

• I’d have it incorporated as its own legal entity. And people who hated me would be sued for libel and defamation of character

• I wont have a degree. I’d just star in music videos. Oh wait I just offended 78% of video vixens. Welp.. #Other22%GotPhDs

• I call it’d have its own Cabinet. And I aint talmbout furniture. POW!!! Heyyyyy!!!
  I’d be a jackass. Telling folks: “You’re talking to me but you CLEARLY see my ass is huge.

My booty aint concave or nuffin but If I had Erykah Badu’s Badonk, I’d be a COMPLETE UTTER FOOL with it. I’d have no friends. #BigAssDontCare. The Lord’s plan WORKS.

EEK!!! I think Erykah Badu’s booty has turned me lesbo. Someone in my life ain’t gon appreciate that. But then again… I still don’t like extra estrogen or the women behind them. I got all the estrogen I need in my life. So what does that mean? I guess she’s like a red mustang in 100 degree heat. You look from afar but you know you can’t touch because it’d burn you. Wait… that metaphor took a turn somewhere really dark. Ignore it.

The Champ of VerySmartBrothas.com put it like this:

“when erykah badu’s ass talks, everyone listens. and dies. helen keller’s favorite color is erykah badu’s ass. erykah badu’s ass can slam a revolving door. erykah badu’s ass did in fact, build rome in a day”

Yeah, Erykah Badu’s Badonk is the new Chuck Norris. Erykah Badu’s badonk doesn’t wear panties. It hijacks them to itself in a show of pure awesomeness and kickassdom.

*reads post* As a pseudo-feminist, I should be ashamed for objectifying a fellow woman like this. The keyword is SHOULD. I’m not though. *shrugs*

P.S. I say this in the most politically correct way I can muster. This is the gayest post I ever wrote. And I’m okay with it. Fellas, I’m still strictly. Alright then. But ladies, am I the only one that felt like this? I wanna belong! LOL